Well, that was the weirdest possible way to introduce season 12's finalists to America, wouldn't you say? To recap, Ryan Seacrest sat the 20 remaining hopefuls in what looked like a cramped classroom (very Up the Down Staircase) and led each surviving finalist through a long corridor and to the stage for a victory performance. In case that wasn't bizarre enough, Ryan sometimes gave the performers little pep talks before they hit the stage. And we all know what a sympathetic character Seacrest is.
"You did it. All the hard work paid off," Seacrest muttered to Candice Glover like a scripted high-school guidance counselor. So, so weird.
Here's what's important. The ten finalists (chosen by home viewer votes) were announced, and now it's our job to rank them in two ways: 1) by merit, based solely on who deserves to be the next American Idol most; 2) by likeliness to win, based solely on the sad state of America's reality-TV voting population. We'll start with the cheerier list, the merit-based rankings.
Merit-Based Rankings
10. Lazaro Arbos
Could he be cuter? No. Could he be a better singer? Oh-heaven-help-us yes, with one or two years (or even more, honestly) of extra training. Lazaro is the sympathetic vote who can pull together an Express For Men ensemble and enough poignant notes to drown out his weakness for song interpretation, but he's not at all equipped to croon against these pitch-perfect bleaters.
9. Paul Jolley
Ah, Lasso Minnelli. His countrified "cabaret" stylings (quoth Keith Urban) have a certain quaintness, and it's always nice to see a straight-dominated genre represented by a man who might-just-be-one-of-us. But his "vulnerability" always feels fake, his approach to every song is exactly the same, and as far as I can tell, he can only successfully deliver one type of song: lachrymose torch tunes. Dread his inevitable performance of "Jesus Take the Wheel" right alongside me!
8. Janelle Arthur
It didn't occur to me until just now, but Janelle Arthur may put a serious dent in Paul Jolley's chances. As a country star, she's more of a determined rascal (even if her last two weeks of mediocre performances haven't shown it) than he is, and she might turn out to be more entertaining than I've given her credit for. As is, she's a sometimes-fun vocalist who just isn't as spectacular as her competition.
7. Curtis Finch Jr.
I didn't love Curtis' takes on either "Superstar" or "I Believe I Can Fly" (the former because it was too hammy, the latter because I am a human being who rejects Space Jam schmaltz on principle), but if Curtis reins in his obnoxious instrument, he might prove his vocals are as tender and soulful as the judges' keep announcing they are.
6. Burnell Taylor
I have to deduct points for cloying stage gestures, but Burnell really added a cute sweetness to "I'm Here" and John Legend's "This TIme" over the past couple weeks. To use one of Mariah Carey's six playable adjectives, he is quite "effervescent" onstage. Not quite "celestial" (R.I.P. Juliana Chahayed), but adorable.
5. Angela Miller
Now hear this: I accept that Angela Miller is talented, but I wouldn't actually call her a good songwriter (her self-penned tune from Hollywood was absolutely festooned with cliches), an original vocalist, or a distinct onstage talent. I certainly admit she is a songwriter, a vocalist, and an onstage talent though, and for that she deserves a spot in the Top 5.
4. Devin Velez
Of all the remaining guys, Devin has the most proclaimin' power. And he can do it in two languages, guys! Weeeee! I hope his lovely voice and boy-next-door charm actually translate to a voter connection, because I've seen the bilingual gimmick fall apart before. (Anyone remember season 10's Karen Rodriguez?) As such, he's the best gent still standing proud and upright, and I want to pet his fine sweaters. Also: We must called him LaTintin.
3. Kree Harrison
The unassuming nature of Kree's stage presence makes her effortlessly perfect vocal a big surprise every time she takes the stage, but I'm still waiting for her to adopt something of a singular energy. I'm always thrilled to hear her voice, but I'm waiting for that booming instrument to be accommodated -- rightfully -- by a booing confidence.
2. Amber Holcomb
Love. This. Girl. Even though her performance on Thursday of "I'm Every Woman" was a little wonky (but I assume she was just overjoyed with making the top 10) and her take on "I Believe In You and Me" was a bit cliched, never forget her astonishing sassiness and coolness during that version of "My Funny Valentine." Girl was busting out the classy, old-school chops with a feisty 2013 energy! Loved and love it.
1. Candice Glover
This girl is a stronger vocalist than the last four winners of American Idol put together. Her song choice is pleasantly varied. Her stank is palpable. Her maturity is a godsend. I only wish she emanated ebullience a bit more, but for now, she's the clear favorite. Thankfully the judges are selling her hard too!
Next Page: I rank the ten remaining hopefuls according to how likely they are to win.
Likeliest-To-Win Rankings
10. Angela Miller -- Talented, yes, but will anyone be truly in love with her?
9. Amber Holcomb -- Sweet, gorgeous, awesome performer. But I worry that she'll pick staid songs too often and wither beneath the ballyhooed favorites like Candice.
8. Curtis Finch Jr. - Curtis' inconsistent performances are a viable candidate for the first male elimination.
7. Kree Harrison -- I'm pegging her as this season's Erika Van Pelt. Killer singer who just doesn't connect with viewers. Expect a controversial dye job to come soon!
6. Lazaro Arbos -- The sympathy choo-choo can only take you so far. I suspect he gets offf here.
5. Janelle Arthur -- Country! Skylar Laine II: Return to the Top 5.
4. Paul Jolley -- I suspect he's the new Aaron Kelly. Innocently twangy enough, but eventually viewers will wonder how he keeps surviving.
3. Burnell Taylor -- I predict he'll get more endearing as the weeks pass. He doesn't seem like a jackass, y'all.
2. Devin Velez -- Anyone getting Blake Lewis-multicultural-runner-up vibes from this guy?
1. Candice Glover -- Truthfully, the spotlessness of her performances gives me hope that the judges will never, ever stop pimping her.
Now, your choices. Who's going to win American Idol?
