Oh honey, the only thing you'll find at that end of that treasure trail is heartbreak.
If you need a primer on the characters..
This week's episode of The Carrie Diaries opens to "Edge Of Seventeen," which is, of course, the greatest rock song of the 80's. Can the next 59 minutes possibly live up to that? Of course not! Nothing can. But this was still a fun episode with, and a pivotal one for Walt.
Walt and the fabulously-named Donna LaDonna have been seeing each other since he broke up with Maggie, and are having fun with movie marathons and trips to the mall and bedroom fashion shows. What they're not doing is having sex (although Walt does give her The Gay BFF Massage, so we can cross that off the list).
We've all been there.
Donna starts getting suspicious when Walt turns down her subtle advances, because he "wants to take it slowly," and "get to know her." Ahhh ... memories. Donna isn't about to take "meh" for an answer, and she sets her sights on seducing Walt, which leads to that horrible, awkward moment that every closeted gay boy fears. What about boobs?
After being accidentally thrown to the floor and spurned in favor of the Schwarzenegger film festval, Donna has had enough and exclaims, "What the hell is going on here? Most men would pick me over a movie. Any movie. Correction, any man would pick me over a movie. Are you even interested in girls?" I think this expression says it all.
What follows is sweet and surprising, as Walt exposes his confusion and vulnerability, and Donna exposes ... her human side.
Walt: "I know I like girls, I just ..."
Donna: "Don't wanna bang us?"
Walt: What gave me away?"
Donna: "I'm everyone's type, so if you weren't interested in screwing me, something had to be up."
Walt: "Sorry."
Donna: "Don't be!"
Walt: "I really like hanging with you, if you still want to."
Donna: "Sure! But just as friends. You've been awesome. No guy has ever listened to me, cared about what I thought. But I like sex. And a lot of it, and .."
Walt: "I'm not going to be able to give you that."
Donna: "I know myself, and what I need."
Walt: "You're lucky. I have no idea what I want."
Donna: "I won't say anything, Walt, I promise. But are you gay?"
Walt: "No (chuckling). I've never been with a guy or anything."
Donna: "Do you think you could be? I know I'm the last person you think you can trust, but my older brother is gay. No one knows except for me, and my dad would lose it. He lives in Los Angeles now. He's happy."
Walt: "... I don't know what I am."
Walt and Donna decide to break up, and a rumor starts (obviously from Donna herself) that the reason is because she couldn't handle Walt's enormous junk. Now that's a BFF!
Oh yeah, other stuff happened!
Mouse (who is definitely the Velma of this group) has a cute story this week, as her competitiveness gets the better of her, and it's all because of cute jock Wes, and that small, pure evil 80's box from the pit of hell that traps and devours souls. No ... not the Hellraiser box ..
I'm talking about ... this.
Wes solves the Rubik's Cube withing seconds, prompting Mouse to launch an investigation into his class records, and learns to her horror that he has replaced her as the top student in the school. She's not about to take this quietly, and challenges him to a "Cube-Off." What follows is an "Eye Of the Tiger" training montage, and when the battle begins, Mouse is prepared.
She wins, but her hopes of Valedictorian and being the belle of the school college recruitment ball may be dashed when she hears Wes' backstory.
Mouse: "You're from a single mother household? And you're black ... and an athlete.."Wes: "That's right. I'm like a college admissions unicorn. The Trifecta. What are you? A non-athlete Asian math genius with two parents. A dime a dozen. Looks like I win after all."
Ouch. But Mouse isn't going to let this setback stop her. She'll do whatever it takes, even if it means ... taking up golf.
Carrie has her own problems to deal with. Her DILF is still adamant that she not go anywhere near NYC, she's charged with watching over her bratty sister Dorrit, and she's freaking out about her relationship with "floppy blond wonder"Sebastian. Everything is going so well between them that Carrie is terrified it's all about to fall apart (and she's not sure how she feels about their portmanteau "KidShaw.")
It doesn't help matters that, while she's sucking face with Sebastian on the couch, Dorrit has secretly climbed out the bedroom window and taken off. Frantic, Carrie blames Sebastian for distracting her with his fine Chord Overstreet looking ass, and banishes him. Fortunately for Carrie, before he goes he deduces that Dorrit has run off to the Chelsea Hotel, because that's where Nancy Spungen was killed, allegedly at the hands of Sid Vicious (don't scoff, we all have our things. I still treasure the used kleenex that Pat Benatar threw my way during a concert).
Carrie heads to NYC to find her sister, and after arriving at Hotel Chelsea, starts screaming Dorrit's name in the stairwell, most likely waking newly arrived 20-year-old Courtney Love out of her drunken stupor. Dorrit is there ... with Sebastian, who got there ahead of Carrie to help with the search. Aww! Before they head home, Dorrit tells Carrie that "dreamboat" is pretty cool, something Carrie is finally starting to see.
Finally, DILF has reached that stage that all widowers hope to achieve - accepting blowjobs from aerobic instructors. He's a bit taken aback, though (but of course still lets it happen), and decides to seek out the advice of party girl Larissa. He gets the best (and meta) line of the night when he admits he's squeamish about talking about sex with her. It's one thing for guys to talk about sex in the locker room, but ... wait for it ... "Women don't get together and talk about these things." Okay, I laughed out loud at that reference.
Larissa convinces him to let Carrie live her own life, and fulfill her dreams, and become "the person she was meant to be." When he comes home, he tells Carrie she can continue her internship at Interview, but he's going to be watching her like a hawk. Well, in between aerobics hookups.
What did you think of this episode, and when do you think Walt will finally be able to say, 'I'm gay?"
This week's 80's references: "Edge Of Seventeen,""Brass In Pocket," Rubik's Cube, Chelsea Hotel, Aerobics, The Terminator, microfiche, "Eye Of The Tiger."
