Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
Hey JT,
I have an on-again, off-again BF who has a long distance romance with someone in another state. The long-distance BF sees my BF maybe once a year and they've been doing this for quite a few years. I thought, when I met my BF, that we were in it for the long haul, but after about 3 months he told me about his long-distance affair and said that he was feeling disloyal to his long-distance BF. So I thought: "Well, that's it. Not a great deal invested here" and I stopped seeing him.
Then he calls me and we start up again, and then he stops seeing me. A lot of the problem (along with the long-distance bf) is that he works from 3AM to 3PM and goes to bed at 5PM, which means I'm either sleeping or at work when he's up. So it's come down to phone sex at work, which is dangerous and I've told him, but he keeps calling. I really do like him - he's generally a sweet person - but I'm kind of tired of the routine and can't quite come out and say, "Sorry buddy, this just isn't working," because he tends to cry or whine when I say something like that, so I feel guilty.
I'm totally looking for some kind of confirmation that I need to let him go and that this relationship eventually won't turn in my favor. I don't want to bad mouth him since I don't see him as a villain.
R
I choked on my coffee a little when I read this because I was laughing so hard. Not at you, R, but at the crazy shenanigans some people (like your BF) think they can get away with.
You want confirmation you need to let him go? You got it. I’m giving you so much confirmation. I just turned you Catholic.
I don’t even know where to start. He was in a relationship with someone, even though it was just someone he sees once a year, and he neglected to inform you of this for three months? Then when you want to peace out he cries and whines?
Seriously, R?
It would be one thing if you AND your boyfriend AND your boyfriend’s boyfriend were all cool with open relationships, but that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here. This dude, like you say, may not be a villain, but he’s definitely not a victim, either, and that’s what he’s trying to make you think when he gets weepy upon hearing you talk of getting out of Dodge.
That’s just manipulation. I seriously hope this guy is, like, unreal-hot if you’re letting him pull this crap with you.
As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.
Hey JT,
I have a weird problem that’s been plaguing me for a while now. I’m a professional, out gay man in his 40’s. I have absolutely no problem with who I am, and I’m proud to say I’m legally married. I have a photograph of my husband and me on vacation on my desk, I discuss our marriage openly, the whole nine yards.
What I’ve found strange, though, is that I tend to clam up when discussing my marital status with strangers. I was making a doctor’s appointment for myself and wanted to let the receptionist know my husband would also be coming in and that he was covered under my insurance, and I got nervous and skirted around the issue. I don’t even know what exactly I’m nervous about - I doubt a doctor’s receptionist would be judgmental about the issue, and even if she was, who cares?
And that’s only one example. So why is it I’m totally fine with being out around my friends, family, and colleagues, but with strangers I suddenly freeze up?
Hates the Closet
"Who, us? Oh, we're ... we're just friends."
I don’t think you’re situation is that unusual, HTC.
One of the things about coming out to the people in your life is that, though its stress levels run the gamut depending on your situation, once it’s done that’s it. It’s over. You are now out.
But what most straight people never think about - mostly because they don’t have to - is that really isn’t the end of the coming out process. You’ll find yourself coming out over and over and over again, for the rest of your life.
What’s to blame? Our hetero-normative culture, of course. (Thank you, Human Sexuality 201! I really did learn something after all!)
Though visibility for the LGBT community is better than it’s ever been before, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of people in this world identify (at least outwardly) as straight. Therefore, we live in a presumed-straight-until-proven-gay world.
Even if the situation seems benign, there are little stressors involved in coming out to, say, the receptionist at the doctor’s office. Now why do you hold your tongue, especially if it’s someone who you won’t even see very often? Probably because the gains don’t justify the risks, by which I mean since her approval or lack thereof of who you are is so inconsequential, you may just be figuring “why bother?”
I think there can also be a reluctance from some gay people to be “too out.” They’re fine with who they are and with everyone in their lives knowing, but they don’t want to be perceived as “rubbing it in anyone’s face,” as our lovely friends at groups like NOM are so fond of saying.
This notion, however, is a consequence of societal conditioning, because it’s impossible to be too out, just like it’s impossible to be too out about being heterosexual. Right now, if a straight man casually mentions a girlfriend, he’s coming out as being straight. The problem is it’s not seen that way, since he was probably perceived to be straight all along. If a gay man in the exact same scenario casually mentions a boyfriend, he runs the risk of at least someone thinking “Man, I’m fine with gays or whatever but why do they have to talk about it all the time?”
So what should you do about it, HTC? Personally I’m in favor of being as open as possible, and that includes the doctor’s receptionist and grocery store bagger - provided you’re in an environment where it’s safe to be so, of course. But for someone who won’t be in your life long enough for you to make an impact on each other, I think it’s safe to say you’re not betraying the cause by not telling them you’re married to a man, so don’t feel pressured to do so. Just do what feels right.
Hey JT,
So my friends and I were hanging around a few days ago playing video games instead of studying, meaning it was a day that ends in "y." Anyway, we started trying to figure out who the hottest video game dude is, and came up with Nathan Drake. We figured we had to get your input to make it official. So, verdict?
Ha! That's a good one.
There are a lot of video game guys that get my crank turnin', and I'd have to agree that Nathan Drake is way up there. But he's not without competition.
Allistair from Dragon Age: Origins was crazy sexy, as was Jacob Taylor from Mass Effect 2. Not to mention Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil.
But have you guys seen the revamped version of Dante from Devil May Cry? He was already hot before, but check this out:
By all means, don't let me stop you making a horrible "joystick" pun.
Now if only we could get a crossover game where he and Nathan Drake make out.
To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter. Messages may be edited for space (but they're totally more likely to get chosen if they're three paragraphs or less. Just sayin'.)
You can find previous editions of AfterElton's Ask JT advice column here.
