F*ck. F*Ck. F*ck. Before we begin, lemme just say I Hate Naomi. I really really effing H-A-T-E hate her. And I seriously hope that Lucifer, wherever he is, may he get out of the Cage and kick her ass to the ends of the Universe and back and bury her in that Special Hell reserved for Child Molesters and People who Talk in Movie Theaters.
Hah! Now that that’s out of the way... We open with Dean stealthily creeping in a creepy storage. Cas pops up behind him, beats the crap outta him with Dean “No, Cas... Please, Cas...” begging for his life and without a word or an emotion brings out his Angel Blade and stabs him through the heart. Dean. Is. Dead.
Suddenly the lights flood the room and Naomi – that b*tch! – walks in clapping and praising Cas for his great work. “No hesitation, quick, brutal,” she crows. “Finally, you’re ready” while Cas intensely stares into the camera.
And the camera pans to reveal...
An Artificial Simulation Studio where Naomi has had Castiel kill more than a 1000 Deans to “bring him back” to his factory settings.
F*ck you, Naomi! This has got to be the sickest form of “Beat the Gay Away”. God only knows what she must have done to bring him to this state of mind. *Shudders* Also, Sorry (AE reader)Jon,that your biggest fear came true.
Oh! But don’t run off just yet because we’ve only just begun and well... True love will prevail in the end. *smiles impishly* Sorry I’m getting ahead of myself.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Dean is hunting through some old boxes at MOL-HQ (Men of Letters Headquarters) and Sam is watching out for Freaky Randomings (freakish random happenings) when Dean suddenly strikes gold.
A Vintage Busty Asian Beauties Mag! Or rather... “Voluptuous Asian Lovelies” First Edition.
And since, we all know that Dean is secretly a teenager that never really grew up... well, it’s an open secret... the first thing he does, is squeal like a teenage chick meeting Justin Bieber.
Na, just kidding! But he really does light up like a Christmas Tree and shows his booty (pun intended) to Sammy.
Now, Sammy is happy because Dean is happy but he also has other things to brood about. For instance, the blood on his tissues because he can’t stop hacking his lungs out. Which hasn’t really missed Dean’s all-knowing eyes.
So, Sam diverts their attention to a case of seemingly unconnected people all over the Mid West – Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Missourie... where all the victims seem to have been tortured, and more or less internally combusted.
“Yup! That sounds like us,” Dean says.
But since he needs a few more minutes with Ms. October ’48, Sam leaves him alone and Dean sneaks a gander at the bloody tissues Sam has been surreptitiously hiding from him.
Oh, bugger!
Cut to... Sam and Dean interrogating a Victim’s husband.
The husband can’t recall her having enemies, but he tells them that about a week ago, she suddenly went a bit guano. He takes them to the dungeon, where the victim has a model of the town and lots of little bags of dirt hanging above it.
The husband explains that about the time she went crazypants, she started leaving the house at nights and one night he followed her to the elementary school playground. He saw the victim digging, then bringing back the little bags full of dirt, which she hung above the model. And the bags correspond to the holes she dug in the grounds, all over the city.
Of course, when he confronted her, the Vic’s eyes turned all black. So, quite out of his mind, the husband went to the bar, got shitfaced and by the time he came back, someone had ganked the demon. Huh!
The Winchesters leave the Vic’s house with quite a few questions like “What kind of Flowers say “Thanks for Killing Demons”?
How about a dozen Red Roses, along with a Box of Chocolates...
No, seriously, Sam has a ton of questions like why does a demon possess someone, go Beautiful Mind and started digging in the dirt. Dean could care less, because demons are being ganked, after all.
Moving on. The brothers go to interrogate Vic’s “last call”, which turns out to be an extremely nasal woman/PhD candidate who’s working on the recreating the old map of the city as a part of her dissertation.
The woman informs the FBI Agents that the Vic was looking for an old orchard that had gone missing when the town was wiped out during the 100 year floods. That was the only time they talked, because the Vic never showed for their next appointment. But, the woman adds, the Vic’s assistant did call her up the next morning asking for the same map…
When suddenly the doorbell rings. The woman answers the door thinking it’s the assistant and instead finds three demons on her doorstep.
Sam and Dean both react and take one demon each, while the third pushes the woman out of the way and makes away with the map.
Dean pulls out his knife, but the demon smokes out and lands in the woman, who makes a break for it.
Meanwhile, Sam is getting his ass handed to him.
As soon as Dean is free, he rushes to Sam’s help, only to find that he’s a moment too late, because Cas just finished adding final touches to Sam’s demon while holding the woman captive.
Cas traps the demon in a Devil’s Trap for interrogation.
Of course the brothers could care less about it, because “Cas Is Back, Bitches!” and they want to know just where the heck he was all this time and why is he back all of a sudden.
“You heard me didn’t you?” Dean accuses.
“Yes, I heard you,” Cas replies irritatedly, “but that’s not why I’m here.” He goes on to explain that he is the one ganking all the demons… See? I said a dozen Red Roses would do the trick.
“Why?” Sam questions, and this is where it gets a lot weirder.
Apparently, Cas was not only brain-washed by Naomi, but she is also talking through him. Naomi instructs him to tell them “The Truth”, or at least parts of it so he can use them to get closer to the real target.
Castiel (Naomi’s brainwashed minion) tells the brothers that he has been searching for the other half of Demon Tablet (y’know the one with Crowley) and in his “search” he uncovered that Crowley has been looking for Lucifer’s Crypts.
While the real Cas, in Noami’s office, argues with her about withholding info from the brothers, Castiel gives them some nonsense claptrap about Crowley looking for a “decoder-parchment” that lets you decode the Tablet without the Prophet.
The main problem, however, is that these Crypts were lost over time and only those closest to Lucifer knew where they are. And almost all of the Lucifer’s minions were killed during the Apocalypse. Hence, the treasure hunt.
Since they have no more leads, Cas goes off to interrogate the Woman!demon.
Meanwhile, Sam and Dean discuss the latest developments. Dean is skeptical and like 99% sure Cas is hiding something. “I don’t know, Dean,” Sean retorts. “If he is so sketchy, why were you praying to him?”
And whatever stupid comeback Dean has, is drowned by Cas’ “You know, I can hear you both. I am a Celestial being.”
Interrogation. The demon starts yapping nonsense, goading the brothers but Cas is playing very very bad cop, who’s not above torturing to get the answers.
A little persuasion and the demon spills her guts about a hostage they have – Crowley’s favourite “pet” and gives the exact location of where she (the hostage) is being kept.
When Sam asks about the “parchment”, the demon spills her guts, literally, because Castiel guts her.
That, of course, raises antennas as does Castiel’s “you are pulling me down and I’m better off by myself” crap that both the Winchesters see through. But before they can talk him down, Cas vanishes to the motel.
Race on. Dean races the Impala like there’s no mañana and the brothers reach the motal just as Cas finishes ganking off the last of the captors.
And Dean opens the bathroom to find a tied and tortured Meg smiling at them, with her ever-sarcastic, “Aren’t you a little short for a Storm Trooper?”
The first thing Dean wonders is what’s up with her hair, and that somehow lessons the tension in the room.
Meg explains that after almost a year and some – which in Hellspeak would be about 150 years – of torture, she kinda gave up and started feeding them scraps.
They wanted Lucifer’s crypts, and she is the only one left of Lucifer’s inner circle, so she coughed up the locations… er, approximate locations in the general vicinity of the Crypts… to get them to back off.
“So, a bunch of innocent people died so you could buy some time?” Sam asks. Seriously Sam? Meg also pretty much has the same reaction when she snaps, “Hi, I’m Meg. I’m a demon.
For the most part, Meg explains, each Crypt was one Al Capone’s vault after another, plus Castiel was taking the demons out one by one from the sidelines. But Crowley is so hell bent on finding —
-- Cut to Cas arguing with Naomi the feasibility of lying to the Winchesters when Meg is just going to puke the real truth all out. Of course, killing Meg is not an option, because well, it’s Meg! And she’s the only one who knows where the Crypt is. “But working with a demon is… it’s unclean,”Naomi shudders. “So, we must use her,” Cas suggests —
that AngelTablet that he just keeps sending them out.
“Angel Tablet?!?” Dean looks to Cas for confirmation but Castiel feigns ignorance. Meg further elaborates that Crowley found out Lucifer had it and now he wants it.
Y’know… the easiest way to the Tablet would be to pimp Sam into calling Lucifer and asking him. And maybe we would get another awesome Samifer scene. But, obviously, since I’m not writing the show…
Castiel mumbles some really crappy excuse about “the demons might’ve been lying to me about that parchment" which both the brothers, especially Dean, don’t buy.
Hell, Dean is now actively on to Castiel, because he was a little too quick to gank the Woman!demon earlier without even hearing her out completely.
Moving on. The brothers bring Meg back to the Victim’s town model and she easily points out the real location of the Crypt, which was an orchard back in the day.
“So what is it now?” Sam asks. I’m not sure if Sam being exceptionally stupid is another bumble in Sam’s writing or the side-effect of the Three Trials Syndrome. Thankfully, Meg who has no patience for his idiocy snaps, “Do I look like Google to you? Figure it out, genius.”
“He lied to us,” Dean cribs when Cas and Meg finally leave them alone, but Sam sort-of understands. “If Demon Tablet shuts the Gates of Hell, just imagine what an Angel Tablet can do.”
Cas patches Meg up.
Holy hell… The flirting! The Chemistry! And Dean honest-to-God calls them “Megstiel”.
Meanwhile at the Bates Motel,the poor b*stard who ran off with that map way earlier in the episode, finally arrives to find all his compatriots dead and the hostage gone.
He reports to Crowley, who is not terribly excited about the new developments... and “What’s that old expression? ‘If you want something done right…’ blah blah blah.” Oh, Crowleah.
Location: Lucifer’s Crypt, which is now an old conveniently abandoned factory.
The four Heroes march up to the entrance. Dean, the self appointed leader, directs Castiel to follow him, while instructing Sam to stay behind with Meg.
And both Sam and Meg are not happy. Sam does not want to left behind, and Meg does not want a babysitter.
But Dean doesn’t bow, and Castiel acts like a good little boyfriend minion and lets Dean take the lead. Dean, finally, confronts Sam about the blood he’s hacking up and Castiel says that Sam is effed up and broken in ways that even he can’t heal. And Meg needs a babysitter because she’s too weak to fight off the Incomings.
They both concede reluctantly.
Dean questions Castiel about his earlier statement regarding Sam's health and "what does it mean" and Cas replies with “changes in the subatomic electromagnetic field…” but doesn’t really say if it’s lethal or not.
Just then they find the Crypt chamber and Castiel dissolves the wall to get to the inner sanctum.
Cas rushes to Naomi’s to inform her that he found the Tablet. Naomi tells them to lead the brothers astray, but the Tablet container is warded against Angels. Which means they need Dean to open the box.
Castiel points out the box to Dean who promptly opens it and retrieves the coated Stone slab. And this is where things get worse…
Castiel asks Dean to hand over the Tablet so he can take it to Heaven.
“No, we’ll take it to Kevin,” Dean corrects. "So he can translate it.
This gets Castiel a little flustered and he mumbles something about I’ll take it faster… and Dean is suddenly on high alert.
With Naomi prompting and goading and downright mindf*cking Cas to kill Dean and just take the Tablet, Castiel starts pressuring Dean for the Tablet.
Dean refutes each one of Castiel’s advance with his own. “You go back to your original mission of finding that parchment and remaining Demon Tablet”, “How did you get out of the Purgatory, Cas?”, “Tell me the truth for the first time since you’ve been back, Cas”… And finally, Castiel pulls out his Blade and attacks him.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, Dean is not Sim!Dean and doesn’t beg for his life. He fights back with all he’s got…
And the whole things turns into Swan Song Revisited, where Cas is "Sam", Naomi is "Lucifer" and well, Dean is still Dean.
Only, I really liked Lucifer and I really hate Naomi.
As Castiel attacks Dean, Dean slips into his elder brother mode, “Cas if you’re in there and you can hear me, you don't have to do this… You can fight it... I'm here, Cas, fight it...”.
And as Noami keeps mounting the pressure on Cas, and Dean tries to call out to him… it’s like… God! Dean’s voice, oh, God! It grounds Cas and he starts fighting Naomi because he can’t hurt Dean…. and with each snap of Dean’s bones, Castiel fights his factory settings and the hours and hours of brainwashing and what-not and Naomi to get back to Dean… And the pressure’s too much and there is no Impala here, but Trenchcoat maybe… or maybe it’s just Dean and Cas and their Profound Bond and it’s really true love, because Dean says “we’re family. We need you. I need you” and YES!!! YES! Cas snaps back in place… and comes back to Dean. And, oh, Holy F*ck… is it Good or is it Good?
Like all her predecessors, even this b*tch underestimated Dean Winchester, didn’t she? Well, take that, you b*tch and when Lucifer gets out, you better be ready.
Okay… now that I’ve settled down a bit, what really happens is the Stone Slab drops in the skirmish and the Tablet is revealed. Naomi asks Cas to make a choice – which is not really a choice, because Cas is family and “family don’t end in blood, boy” – so he drops the blade, because Cas can never kill Dean and picks up the Tablet and suddenly, there is a bright flash and Cas – Dean’s Cas – is shielded from Naomi and back into Dean’s arms.
He heals Dean first, then tells him everything – his rescue, the brainwashing and Naomi and how she has been controlling him ever since she got him out.
“So what broke the connection?” Dean asks. Obvious answer is Dean Winchester. But Cas has no idea. All he knows is that he has to protect the Tablet. “From Naomi?” Dean prompts.
“Yes,” Cas replies. “And from you” and vanishes before Dean and make a head or tail of it.
Meanwhile, Sam and Meg draw Demon warding Sigils all the building and have a heart to heart about the past year. And Sam tells her all about abandoning everyone - Dean, Kevin, Meg to chase a Unicorn poop dream with that Creepy Vet who would’ve given Ruby 2.0 a run for money, then ate her heart. Good times.
And Meg understands. She knows Sam from way back when he was just a nerdy whiny Sasquatch and knows that deep down he just wants it to be over, so he can live a normal boring apple-pie unicorn poop life. And she kinds feels the same way. And if Sam is ready to die for his dreams to come true, then so is she.
Y’know if I hadn’t seen the episode, I would be madly rooting for that “buy a pizza and move some furniture” promise but with Sam and Meg. Unfortunately…
The Incomings attack. Sam and Meg, both weak in their own respects, put up a decent fight and kill all the Black-Eyes. Finally, the Big Bad Crowley comes all posh accent and even bigger charisma and “I love what you’ve done with the place but you can’t keep me out forever.”
Meg tells Sam to shoo off while she holds the fort. Sam leaves and Crowley first tells Meg about Tasks and how the brothers are planning on locking them all up for-ever, but Meg’s already made her peace with Death. So, Crowley attacks.
Sam arrives at the inner sanctum to find a bereft Dean and no Cas, no Tablet. He drags Dean out to the car to make a break for it.
They pause long enough to see Meg one last time before taking off, and Meg uses the distraction to stab Crowley. But her aim falls short and she stabs his shoulder… and Crowley jans his blade through her heart. Meg is Dead.
I need a minute. Or ten.
Crowley goes inside the Crypt to look for clues about the Tablet and comes face to face with Naomi.
Instead of going all Montagues and Capulets on each other, turns out they were Romeo and Juliet back in the Dark Ages. Mesopotamia, to be precise.
Crowley proposes a truce, but Naomi snubs him and leaves.
In the Impala, Dean has tons of problems. Cas is off the reservation, on the wind, with a Heavenly WMD. As if that wasn't enough Sam is now sub-atomically changing. And Dean's done taking the lies and shit and "I'm fine... it's all good" from everyone.
“I may not be able to carry the burden coming along on these trials,” he tells Sam “But I can carry you.”
That is so f*cking Sam and Frodo… and F*ck! Seriously, comparing that 11-ft Sasquatch to a 4-ft Hobbit?
Is it wrong that I can’t stop imagining a scene in the near future where Dean literally carries Sam up the Mountain for the final task?
And really, it’s always better to be completely honest with Dean because Dean is the Weapon of Last Resort, the Go-to Guy for all the Supernatural eff-ups, and sooner than later all the problems ultimately come down to him.
Speaking of Eff ups… in Heaven, Naomi sends out minions to find Cas, but they come back empty-handed.
Cut to, Cas in a bus on the road to God only knows where with the Tablet… while Goodbye, Stranger plays in background.
---
Whew! Last night’s episode was a gem in the coal mine and probably my favouritest since the Swan Song. As you may have realized from the amount of “Effs” which is like 1/10 of the times I said it while watching, I was really left speechless.
Well… I’ll stop babbling for now, because I’d really like to hear what you guys have to say. So… talk to me, folks!
And that’s all she wrote :P
