So here we are, at the Season 3 finale of Shameless, one of the most ambitious, frenetic, and utterly wrong shows on television today. It's been a great season overall (especially since episode five, when things really started cookin'), but how did the season finale - not always the best ep of the bunch, let's be honest - stack up?
Let me just get this out of the way - out of ten Old Styles, I'd give this episode:
Or, as Frank Gallagher would call it, "brunch".
We start with Frank (William H. Macy) in jail (having taken the fall for the robbery he got Carl to commit with him), where a very large black man approaches him and starts to undo his pants. Frank moans, "Again?" and it turns out the guy has to use the toilet. Ha! Probably the only funny prison rape joke I've seen all year.
Frank's cellmate asks him for advice in getting out of having beaten his ex to death with a telephone, and Frank replies, "God gave you the race card for a reason, Julius - play it." Ouch. Frank's just sore because the prison doesn't have an open bar or dispensary - but before he can complain too much, he collapses from substance withdrawal just as his roommate is evacuating his bowels mere feet away. Or as I called it, "college".
Debs (Emma Kenney) is upset that Carl (Ethan Cutowksy) got braces and now won't floss them - Carl replies, "flossing's for fags," demonstrating that kids do repeat what they hear their parents say (Frank called his foster gays the same thing just last week). Lip (Jeremy Allen White) tells the kids that they're not going to Michigan after all, but Fiona (Emmy Rossum) won't talk about it. It's also the day that Lip can pick up his diploma - Fiona is clearly more excited about this than he is.
Ian (Cameron Monaghan) breezes through the room in full camos, and Lip chases after him - "Yo, GI Jane!" Ian says he's all dolled up for some pre-Christmas-break ROTC thing but Lip doesn't seem to be buying it. We follow Ian to the Army recruiting center, where he tries to enlist for active duty. The recruitment officer encourages him to take some time to think about it, but Ian demonstrates that he's completed part of the training already, is a good student, and is not screwing around. The guy tells him to come back in the morning with a photo ID and he can get on the bus to basic training.
Debs asks Fiona about Jimmy, and KEEPS ON ASKING HER until Fiona finally snaps and tells her to "leave the adult problems to the adults." Debs READS Fiona about how she's expected to act like an adult when it's conveniently saving the family or the house but expected to act like a kid when Fiona wants to bury her head in the sand. Nice work, red! Fiona, furious, leaves Jimmy a voicemail: "Have a good life, f*ckin' *sshole."
We then cut to a blurry, hazy POV shot of someone who looks alarmingly like Nando, Jimmy's boss - and for a second I think that Jimmy is waking up on a surgical table somewhere either with his kidneys missing or having been given a forced sexual reassignment. But no, it's actually Frank waking up, and it's just a handsome doctor... who tells Frank that if he doesn't stop drinking, he will die. Oh, is that all? And they're kicking him out of jail so they don't have to actually treat him. Justice at work, folks.
Back at home, Kev (Steve Howey) and V (Shanola Hampton) help Fiona decorate for the party, but I'm distracted by the sight of Kev holding two giant black balloons up to his chest and pretending to be V, who promptly pops them. HA! Kev tells Fiona that she's the one who told Jimmy not to come home that night, and maybe he just listened to her, "heat of the moment" or no.
Lip goes to school and gets his diploma from the counselor (he's graduating in December, so no big ceremony for him). The counselor says it's moments like this that make it all worth it, and Lip calls him a "dick" and leaves. So at least nothing has changed there. At the Alibi, Bartendress Kate gives Lip a free drink to celebrate, and lo and behold, Frank is there as well, redehydrating after that pesky stint in pokey. He congratulates Lip and somehow starts a barwide push-up contest, which he then wins. (Note: one of the people in the push-up contest was smoking, and another ran off to puke.) He offers to take Lip for a fancy meal with the winnings, and Lip agrees.
Fiona is distracted at work, so she calls Jimmy again and leaves another voicemail - this one apologizing for her outburst.
At Casa Jackson, Sheila (Joan Cusack) packs the most adorably differently-abled family in the Greater Chicagoland Area (Jody, Karen, Himey) into a molester van headed to Sedona. She rhapsodizes about some herbalist who cures cancer with wheatgrass douches, and then delivers a heartfelt, tear-streaked goodbye to Karen (Laura Slade Wiggins). She tells Jody (Zach McGowan), "Go heal my baby" and he promises he will. Sheila then follows Debs home to help prepare for Lip's party.
Fiona surprise visits Dr. Lloyd Lishman (Harry Hamlin), who immediately asks, "How's Ian?" Fiona brushes that aside and asks if he's heard from Jimmy - he hasn't, and he assures her that Jimmy always bolts at the first sign of conflict. She thanks him for the hot dog and goes back to work.
At the lady-doctor, the ultrasound operator congratulates Carol (Vanessa Bell Calloway) on her little "peach pit" and tells Kev and V that it's 12 weeks along... which would put it right at the start of the period where she started sleeping with Kev... and then kept on sleeping with Kev. Whoopsies! Outside, V smacks her own mama in the hallway for continuing to have sex with Kev when she knew she was pregnant. Carol admits that she had the feeling that she might be pregnant but it felt too good to be a contributing part of the family to stop. Uh-huh, Carol. We bet that's what felt good.
Kev, thankfully, lightens the mood significantly by barking gems like, "Once you go white, you'll always be tight - Hey, I think I just insulted myself!" and putting on a Ray J voice and pretending to be the fetus: "Hey, I'm the baby fetus and I couldn't resist the giant c*ck penis!" Bless you, Kev.
Over lobster, Frank offers Lip advice: never have a plan, and never stop moving. They dine-and-dash, which is apparently step one... toward Frank getting his next drink. They grab a bottle and visit the skating rink, where Frank delivers a monolog about "survival of the fittest" and they decide to get drunk again tomorrow and break into the zoo to cut the horn off a rhino so they can sell it on eBay (Frank muses, "Alcohol gives you clarity!"). After spinning on the ice for a few minutes, Lip pukes - and Frank, laughing, yells, "Domino effect!" and turns... and pukes a gallon of blood all over the ice. YEEEESH.
Oh, and Don Draper - you have been outclassed:
Fiona learns that Evan Chambers Mike (Jake McDormand) is interviewing applicants for a sales opening, and she corners him to demand to be considered. He says that he'd love to but she has no sales record, and his uncle would never let him hire someone without a sale on the books. He's also very clear that this has nothing to do with the tent, and she thankfully doesn't press that particular line of questioning. (I have no doubt that Fiona will scam her way into the job somehow, but she'll at least scam without blackmailing her boss - that's SO first-half-of-the-season!)
Later, arriving home, Beto accosts Fiona and hands her an envelope, saying that Jimmy wanted her to have it. He adds, "He said you're too good for him, and he has moved on." Uh-huh... She's interrupted by a frantic call from Lip.
At the hospital, Fiona makes Debs and Carl stay behind when she talks to the doctor, who says things aren't good. She finds Lip in Frank's hospital room bathroom, and sends him to take his own surprise party cake out of the freezer and clean himself the damn up. She tells Frank this is serious, but he isn't listening. As the leaves, starting to cry, she tells him, "Do it for yourself, do it for your kids, it doesn't matter - DO IT." She runs through the halls, in tears.
Speaking of tears...
Ian stops by Mandy's (Emma Greenwell) house to say goodbye, but before he can, she tells him she got some nitrous and asks him to wait so she can grab it. Who should stumble in but newly-married Mickey (Noel Fisher), who tells Ian to come to his room, where he has taken down all his Nazi posters on his Russian wife's request. Plus, they totally clashed with the curtains. Mickey says that if wifey can keep sleeping with guys, so can he - but Ian says no thanks. Mickey tells Ian that he's not going to come chasing after him "like some bitch," and Ian points out that he didn't stop by to see him in the first place. Ian goes to leave, and Mickey blurts, "Dont..." Ian asks, "Don't what?" but Mickey can't finish. He starts to cry, and Ian walks away. Mandy sees Mickey crying and he asks her what the f*ck she's looking at - she responds - awesomely - by yelling, "That's all you're gonna f*cking say to him?! Pussy!" and storms out. Mickey bawls alone in his room.
Oh. My. God. I can't believe I actually feel bad for Pigpen.
Fiona tells Debs and Carl that now it's all in Frank's hands whether he'll recover or not, and they need to redecorate for Lip's party (he made them take it all down). Upstairs, she asks Lip to see "the piece of paper" and he shows it to her. She tells him that she needs his help with something - she came into some money and she wants to turn it into a solid job. He agrees to get her out of there, and she forces him downstairs to his own party, which is adorable. Fiona frames his diploma, Lip asks, "What's Sheila doing here?" and Carl sneaks out the back. Sheila asks Debs to hang out the next day but Debs says maybe it's time Sheila made some friends her own age, with her own interests. Fiona asks Kev to use her money to order a buttload of cups for the Alibi, and she tells Debs that they are definitely not moving to Michigan, and the good news is she might have a real job soon, with dental benefits.
Carl hops a bus to the hospital, and Frank wakes to Carl shaving his head - just like he did to Carl at the start of the season. Frank asks WTF, and Carl tells him it's to let the sun rays in to heal his cancer. Frank lets him finish - Carl kisses him on the cheek and I'll be a monkey's f*cking uncle if I don't choke up on this bastard. Damn this show!!
In the wee hours of morning, Ian kisses Liam goodbye.
Sheila welcomes a bunch of ladies to her home... which turns out to be a home sex-toy-selling party. OMG. THIS IS TOO PERFECT. It's Tupperware for dildo addicts!! Sheila may have just found the perfect job for her plastic-furnitured, butt-plug-loving, Betty Crackhead self. Atta girl.
Lip gets their mail - there's a large envelope for him, and he smiles.
At the office, Fiona gets offered a 2-week trial for the sales job, and Connie and the Nameless Gay Guy escort her to her cube as a full-time employee... which of course turns out to be a lifetime of corporate hell. WELCOME TO THE SUCK, FIONA.
Ian gets a fake ID that says he's Lip. Clever! So those were his transcripts, too? I hope they don't give him any math quizzes! He boards the bus, and off he goes.
Frank wakes up looking even more like hell as usual - the Extreme Mullet that Carl gave him is only part of the problem. He gets up and wanders, open-assed, out of his room.
We're then treated to the awesomest first-act montage since Anita got her kicks toniiiiiiight in West Side Story:
Lip thanks Mandy for getting him into MIT, including a free ride - and he means it. She asks if he's actually going, and he walks off into the dark without answering. She smiles anyway.
Fiona calls Jimmy one last time to leave this message: "Last message, I promise. Wherever you are - bye." She walks out of the snowy night and into their house.
And Frank wanders, hospital gown flapping in the December Chicago wind, into the snowy night.
SCENE
I don't know where to start. So much happened this week (and this season - remember Cousin Patrick? Robot wars? The child-molesting teacher? Fiona's job at the market? Carl's summer camp? ROTC sex?) that I'm going to attack this gorgeous, brutal finale in bullet form:
- I finally get Mandy. She really did run over Karen for Lip - her maneuvering with Ian and Mickey in their final scene demonstrated that she really is looking out for other people. The shame is that she never looks out for herself. She really does want Lip to go to MIT and be the best that he can be, just like she wants Ian to be with someone who treats him right. She's a f*cking head case, but I have to admit I kind of love her.
- This episode's veerings from drunken ice skating to vomiting blood to surprise parties to moments of clarity to smack-talking fetuses to emotional catharsis was what this show does best, at its absolute best.
- The budding father-son relationship between Carl and Frank actually paid off, which I wasn't expecting - and the way that they brought it back to the fake cancer at the beginning was brilliant. Now if they could just stop using the word "faggot", we'd be five-by-five.
- Can they just give Joan Cusack her damned Emmy already?!
- I'm worried that Ian is gone, but I am confident that he will be back, and he will be a stronger and better character for it. Fingers crossed, anyway.
- Letting Fiona work through her breakup with Jimmy via voicemail was clever, and Rossum really sold it. (She's actually been amazing all season, IMHO.) What are the chances that now she's at peace with Jimmy being gone he'll show up? Again? Once bitten, writers...
- And am I the only one who really wants Kate the bartender to be happy? Yes? Then never mind.
Thanks for joining me for the season, folks (and sorry for the Game-of-Thrones-related delays these last two weeks) - it's been a hoot and a holler, and I've loved sharing every flavor of wrong that this great Baskin Robbins of WTF has scooped out for us this year. See you in 2014 for more!
[opens hand, drops dildo]
[exits]
