I have to confess that, after last week's trauma (no, I'm not talking about President Obama's debate performance), I hoped that we'd all get a break from the gut wrenching emotional stuff. Like maybe this week, everyone will solve a mystery on how to plant community gardens or take up the super heroic act of dog walking for the elderly.
Just a nice, cozy episode where no one dies, no one cries and only pleasant things happen to our coterie of young juvenile delinquents.
Fat chance.
We open this week to find an attractive young woman jogging near the community center. I immediately guess that this scenario will end in her screaming in terror… and it does, sort of. You see, she goes to the center to get cleaned up after her run.
Only, in the locker room, she finds something that will chill her blood and stir in her a horror so deep and lasting that she may never recover.
She finds Nathan.
Descending from his community center nest for his evening clean-up, Nathan enters the locker room only to find the young woman undressing. He, of course, drinks in the sight.
She looks up, catches him peeping and screams for him to get out, which he does but not before stating that if she caught him undressing, with all his fine man flesh on display, she'd be starring too. Her revulsion to this is palpable.
Later, he's brushing his teeth when suddenly the lights go dark. Nathan freaks and yells various non-threatening threats to the unknown force in the dark. He thinks this has done the trick and starts to relax when something jumps out at him and attacks, brutally bashing Nathan's head into the bathroom sink until he collapses… dead.
Later, the woman walks out of the center, all smiles, as she greets her waiting Dad.
The next morning, Alisha is still grieving the loss of Future Simon when she spies (or is it stalks?) Present Simon as he's heading for the center, headphones cranking the always lighthearted Echo and the Bunnymen into his ear. She manages to stops him and asks if she could walk with him.
"Unless you're embarrassed to be seen with me."
"I would never be embarrassed to be seen with you." Simon states emphatically.
When Alisha asks about the music he's listening to, he takes out one of his earbuds and shares it with her. With that, the courtship of Present Simon has officially begun.
At the center, Simon, Alisha, Curtis and Kelly enter the locker room, finding Nathan slumped against the wall. He tells the gang that someone killed him the previous night. Simon asks if Nathan can think of anyone who'd want to kill him.
"I can think of a few reasons." says Curtis.
"You annoy people." Simon concedes.
Nathan takes umbrage to this and calls Simon a useless (unprintable).
"Don't speak to him like that!" Alisha barks, surprising everyone in the room… including Simon.
"Why are you sticking up for him?" Nathan asks.
After telling Nathan what he can do to himself (it isn't pretty) she storms off. Nathan tells them that while he'd love to be able to follow Alisha's instructions (and even provides us with a rather disturbing look at the intricacies of self-fellation) doing so would render women obsolete. The always dependable Kelly sums it up.
"That is why people kill you."
Later, in the center, the gang is helping get the center ready for an upcoming charity event. Nathan looks over at a woman bending down. When she stands back up, a flash of recognition hits him. It's the woman from the locker room. The last person around when he was killed. The woman who is also organizing this charity event. (Side note: I'm going to call her whatshername for now. Why? Well, besides the fact that I love that Green Day song, this show is a re-capper's nightmare when it comes to giving characters names until we're half way through. I gotta call her something, right?)
As Nathan's putting the pieces together, whatshername notices, and is immediately smitten with, Simon. She nervously approaches him and the two begin the most awkward and uncomfortable flirtation since GOProud met reality.
Nathan scurries over to the rest of the group and tells them that she's the woman who killed him. They are all very doubtful but Nathan is convinced that she's "…the bitch who killed me." They glance over to see this whatshername flirting with Simon ("Jesus, she's after Barry." Nathan exclaims) and all of a sudden, Alisha isn't so doubtful anymore.
Meanwhile, Kelly is sorting boxes when an adorably dumpy young Lad runs in, panicked. He stops when he sees her, instantly taken. Kelly is, well Kelly… until she hears his thoughts… She's so beautiful.
He asks for her name.
"Why'd you want to know my name?"
"Because I'm really attracted to you."
Simon and whatshername could take a few lessons on flirting brevity from this guy.
Kelly looks torn between shagging him and slapping him. Or, because it's Kelly after all, she may end up doing both. But before things get further, the Lad hears a noise from behind and quickly ducks behind some boxes as a Policeman storms inside.
He questions Kelly as to where the kid ran off to and, in her cheeky way, throws the Officer off the scent by claiming he ran out of the back door. The Officer runs towards the back, giving the lad a window to run in the opposite direction. He does,but not without looking back frequently to steal glances at Kelly.
Later, on the roof of the center, Nathan tries convincing Simon that whatshername is the one that killed him the previous night. But Simon isn't buying it.
The gang brings up all of the strangeness going on with the women who've ever just suddenly popped into the center.
"So you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her." says a wounded Simon.
Alisha tries to convince Simon that it's not at all what they're telling him, but her efforts are undone by Nathan when he tells him that's exactly what he's thinking. Simon walks off and finds whatshername in the hallway. Determined, he asks her out on a date and she says yes. As they make plans, A heartbroken Alisha listens from around the corner.
Kelly has finished for the day and is walking home when the lad returns. He tells her that he was in a fight which is why the police were after him. Then he asks her to have a beer with him at the park.
Kelly turns him down flat, but he tells her that she's the first person to ever do something nice for him. She changes her mind and agrees to one beer with him. She asks for his name.
"Bruno." He tells her.
"What kind of sh*t name is that?"
God, I love Kelly.
Meanwhile, Nathan is still convinced whatshername is his killer. He watches as another charity volunteer, named Chris, tries to get fresh with her. She immediately shoves Chris off of her and storms away. He calls after her, finally revealing to us that her name is Jessica.
Nathan decides to follow Chris through the center. He loses him for a stretch but finally catches up to him. Only now Chris is dead, his throat brutally slashed. Nathan goes from freaked out to seriously freaked out. He calls Alisha.
Simon and Jessica meet up at a bar for drinks. Outside, Alisha and Nathan stake out the place, hoping to stop Jessica from making mincemeat out of Simon's neck. They are on their own because Curtis and Kelly have turned off their phones.
Kelly's phone is turned off because she's at the park, conversing and drinking with Bruno. Suddenly, she hears him think, Should I invite her back to mine. No, you don't want to scare her off. Something about this touches her.
"Do you have any beers back at your place?" she asks. "I'm not going to shag ya."
Yeah. Riiight.
At the Simon/Jessica stakeout, Nathan and Alisha are both trying to figure out why they're feeling protective of Simon.
"Maybe I like him more than I let on." Nathan tells her.
"Maybe I do, too."
Suddenly, the couple in question appears. They follow them to a spot in a parking garage where Simon and Jessica kiss for the first time. They separate for the evening. As Simon walks home, he spots Nathan and Alisha in their hiding spot. They admit to following him but only because there's a bloody corpse at the center who was also last seen with Jessica.
Meanwhile, Bruno brings Kelly to the apartment he is squatting in, and boy do I mean squatting. I've seen nicer living spaces on Hoarders. Turns out, there are no beers. It's just as well because when Kelly hears Bruno thinking I just want to hold her, kiss her it's elementary what will happen next. They shag. On the wall, on the bed… anally… and it's rough, intense and downright animalistic.
But first, she reminds him that she's not a slag.
Nathan and Alisha have dragged poor Simon back to the center to show him Chris' corpse, only now, the body is gone. Nathan tells him that Jessica must've moved it.
"How did she do that when she was at the bar with me?" Simon asks.
Without a good answer, Simon orders Nathan to stay away from Jessica.
The next day, Simon is handing out flyers. Jessica arrives and invites him to a fancy dress party. Translating that to American, it means costume party. Simon accepts and, at the charity run they're assisting, invites the others to attend.
Nathan, in a lying tour-de-force, tells Simon he was wrong to suspect Jessica and that he wishes them well. Of course, he has no intention on letting this go. He just wants to be sure that when the fancy dress party happens, he's right there to catch her during her impending murder spree.
Later, Kelly is cleaning up the storage room at the center when Bruno appears. Kelly invites him to the fancy dress and gives him a flyer. That is all the words they exchange before they're going at it again.
Only this time, Bruno is too animalistic. Kelly, in pain, shoves Bruno away from her and yells for him to leave. Bruno, looking traumatized by his actions, follows her orders.
Simon and Jessica meet up in the locker room and kiss again. Simon even grabs her ass this time. Go Simon! But she stops the kissing and cryptically states that, "…there's something I have to tell you."
Before she can get it out, however, Jessica's father interrupts the lovebirds. They separate from each other so rapidly, you'd think their last names were Kardashian and Humphries.
Dad looks none too happy about catching them. In fact, he looks bone-chillingly like he wants Simon's head for breakfast.
Meanwhile, the police bust into Bruno's disgusting domicile and, with him being gone, search the place. Clues to his whereabouts are scarce until the cop that chased him to the community center finds one ticket to the fancy dress dance.
The party begins. The gang is there, dressed as superheroes. Their assignment is to keep eyes on Simon and cowgirl Jessica. While they are watching Simon, someone in a Gorilla costume is watching Kelly. I wonder who this could be.
Simon and Jessica dance and have a great time, all under the jealous eye of Alisha. Oh, and the storm-affected killer eyes of Jessica's father.
Kelly, separating from the others, is approached by Bruno. At first, she's still angry but calms down considerably when Bruno tells her that she's everything he's been looking for.
Meanwhile, Simon is washing up in the bathroom next to a guy in a matching superhero costume. Don't you just hate it when that happens? This guy finishes up first and rounds the corner… and into Dad's serrated edge knife.
"No one touches my little girl." he tells the poor Simon look-alike. He rips off the mask. After realizing he's killed the wrong person, he does what any overprotective homicidal maniac would do. He hides the body.
This happens as the gang is worried that they've lost eyes on Simon and go off in different directions to go look for him. Curtis ends up on the roof and stops. The sight looks terribly familiar to him. He smiles.
Nikki is suddenly transported behind him. Just as he saw it happen during his drug induced time travel to the future. I was wondering when we'd get back to that. The two start having sex right there on the roof. Is anyone not going to have sex in this episode?
Simon and Jessica are hiding away in what looks to be some sort of storage room when Jessica finally tells Simon her dark news.
"I'm a virgin."
She does not add the part about having Norman Bates as a father, but she probably doesn't know about this yet. Besides, I've got two words for you. Mood. Killer.
Simon confesses that he's also a virgin (humph, guess we're not counting oral sex from a doppelganger in this equation) and the two resolve to end each other's mutual affliction as soon as possible.
Alisha heads up to roof where she catches Curtis and Nikki going at it… and on the sofa, too. Damn shame about that sofa. Instead of going all, um, Alisha on him, she turns and walks off to continue her search for Simon.
Bruno and Kelly find themselves in a corner where Bruno tells her that he never meant to hurt her, but that his instincts kicked in. He hints to her that this seriously freaky storm has changed him somehow but doesn't want to tell her the whole truth. As this is happening, the Police have arrived and have spotted Bruno.
He slaps his Gorilla mask on, grabs Kelly by the arm and runs like hell. Officers chase after them. Nathan, having seen all this, runs after them too.
While this is happening, Alisha opens a closet door and finds the body of Simon's look-alike.
Simon and Jessica are getting dressed after their sexual encounter. Their smiling at each other, happy. So happy that they don't notice the door behind them opening to reveal Jessica's knife happy father.
When he gets a glimpse at the two of them, his eyes do their bloodshot power induced thing and he grabs Simon by the throat. Jessica yells for him to stop, but Dad isn't home, metaphorically speaking. He pulls out his knife. He raises it, ready to stab poor Simon when Alisha sneaks up from behind and knocks him out cold with a fire extinguisher.
Alisha notices the state of undress that Simon and Jessica are in and, for one brief moment, looks like she's not quite finished knocking people out with it.
All this is going on as Bruno and Kelly continue running from Police. Suddenly cornered, Bruno puts Kelly on his back and begins scaling the building to the roof. The whole thing looks like King Kong as directed by Mike Leigh (my undying love to the two of you who get that reference). Trapped on the roof, Bruno fells the lead Officer by attacking him exactly as an ape would, including a double ax-handle to the back… what, I've seen the WWE.
Bruno lifts a stone vent and is about to crush the head of the Officer when gun shots ring out, riddling him with bullets. He goes down, quickly dying. Kelly rushes over to him and pulls off Bruno's gorilla mask, revealing…
An actual Gorilla.
Yep. This is why I love this show. Everyone involved in writing it is completely bat-sh*t.
Kelly hears the dying Bruno's thoughts as his gorilla hands strokes her face. I just wanted to be human. Kelly leans down and kisses Bruno (yep, that's what I wrote). It was all worth it, he thinks… to be with you.
Bruno dies. Nathan rushes to Kelly's side, completely unable to comprehend what he's seeing.
"Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?" he asks.
The sun rises over the community center. A new day has begun. Kelly is grieving. It's too bad. She deserves some love in her life, preferably from someone who isn't a primate… or Nathan. Still, I feel for her. The gang finds her on the roof. Simon explains that Jessica's father, and not Jessica, who was the psycho, but he's been arrested.
"She's not a killer. She's a virgin."
"See, I knew there was something wrong with her." Nathan exclaims.
"Not anymore."
Nathan, joyfully stunned by the news, hugs Simon and sincerely congratulates him for finally doing the deed. Of course, he also wants every disgusting detail. Alisha, still jealous, allows the moment to happen without comment. After all, according to Future Simon, this had to happen before they could be a couple. Nathan calls for a celebration, and the five of them have a beer on the roof.
"Maybe this is what it feels like to be a superhero." says Simon.
"I think it'll take a little more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero." Nathan quips as they all drink, dressed as superheroes.
That ends another episode of Misfits. Join me next week when we find out what happens when the whole world learns of the gang's superpowers. And we learn something called lacto-kinesis. I told you they were bat-sh*t.
Misfits airs on Logo Thursday nights at 10/9c. The on-air episodes are edited for U.S. television. Want to see the show in its original version? (More cussing/nudity.) Unexpurgated season eps are available for viewing online at LogoTV.com!
