Shirtlessness is one of the great cinematic arts, a tradition dating back nearly a century and finally gaining traction with Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, Paul Newman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and Zac Efron in whatever that was. The 2013 MTV Movie Awards understands this important legacy and is honoring it this Sunday with the "Best Shirtless Performance" category, which has four very deserving nominees and one grimly unsexy puppet. Let's rate each of these nominees' nominated shirtlessness from 1-10 and pick a most deserving victor.
Christian Bale in The Dark Knight Rises
No matter where it goes, Christian Bale's shirtlessness will bear the spectre of American Psycho, which remains one of the most important exhibitions of psychotic flesh since the Academy Awards streaker of '74. Bale's pecs remain as chiseled, adamantium-tight, and Bruce Lee-esque as in his Bret Easton Ellis days, but I'm hoping he doesn't win this trophy since his shirtlessness is merely expected here. It's not surprising or inventive, and he doesn't do anything important with it (besides these pushups, which are admittedly great). Next time, let's make Batman ditch the suit altogether and fright crime wearing only a silk mask and Underarmour shorts. Obnoxious batwing tattoos on his shoulder blades, anyone!?
Rating: 7
Channing Tatum in Magic Mike
I for one never understood the critical praise heaped onMagic Mike, which is a pretty tame melodrama punctuated by a booooring romance and some electrifying stripping sequences. Leading the cadre of shirtless pole daddies is Channing Tatum, whose real-life past as a stripper is apparent thanks to his masterful gyrations, cocky attitude, and commanding commitment to character, whether it be a fireman or a sailor or any other naked helpful person you can think of.
Now, humping the floor, flexing muscles, and lip-syncing songs used to be called "Madonna," but Tatum really uses his character's bad-ass attitude to make the most memorable shirtless scenes possible. I only wish Matthew Bomer and Joe Manganiello could've enjoyed more nudity along with them.
Rating: 9
Daniel Craig in Skyfall
Daniel Craig's prized shirtlessness looked fabulous and topaz-tinged as ever in Skyfall, but his standing in this category is diminished by one simple fact: Craig's barechested appeal was much greater in Casino Royale and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. In Casino, he suffered shirtlessly in what can only be described as a testicle-torture sewer, and in Dragon Tattoo, he blinded us all with the tautest chest in all of Scandinavia. In Skyfall, he's in a minor state of dishabille while a dull female associate patches up his busted bod.
Rating: 6
Seth MacFarlane in Ted
I'm sorry, but this is a mockery of everything this brand new category has ever stood for. Ted is a puppet, guys. Or computer-animated. Or I don't know, a Wallace and Gromit character. He's the opposite of everything else in this lineup, not a thing about him resembles Cristiano Ronaldo, his nipples aren't pyramidal, his navel isn't cologne ad-ready, and I hated this year's Oscars. You're getting everyone in this category upset, Ted. Daniel Craig just threw a bottle of Pellegrino against the wall and burst into tears. You monster.
Rating: 1
5. Taylor Lautner in Breaking Dawn - Part 2
Surprise: I want Taytay to win this! 1) I don't know how much longer his cloud of Twilight a will last, so it's probably best we throw our support behind Jacob one last time. 2) I'm so glad Twilight is nominated in this category, not Best Movie. What a phenomenal change of pace that is. 3) I mean, observe this man. He looks like he's spent the past eight years on a pommel horse. Give him a trophy so he can finally cry.
Rating: 10
Who's your choice to win?
