Good gravy, where to start? This week's episode (directed by series star Stephen Moyer) was packed with enough blood, sugar, sex, and magic to put the Red Hot Chili Peppers themselves to shame. Grab your tube sock and let's jump in!
As disorderly orderly Joe Bob gets dragged off to the po-po by Andy (Chris Bauer), Sam (Sam Trammell) snaps, "Enjoy prison, asshole!" Joe starts to respond, but Andy cautions him, "Shut up, buttplug."
Luna (Janina Gavankar), meanwhile, is in her room freaking out over the fact that there are so many shifter-killers everywhere. Sam talks her down and tucks her in, assuring her that he has it covered. But the second he is gone, she is up again and practicing her hospital spazz-out audition scene for Girl Interrupted 2: Your Girlfriend is a Shifter - she looks into the mirror, gets a terrible stomach pain, and doubles over - and when she stands back up she's shifted into Sam. "F*ck me!" Well, I'm sure you have. She blacks out.
OPENING TITLES
Meanwhile, over in New Orleans the vampire circuit party continues - Bill (Stephen Moyer), Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and The Authoritaay are still tripping vampire balls on the blood of Lilith. There's the smearing of blood on the walls and the contemplation of light bulbs, and Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) bounces on the knee of Russell Edgington (Denis O'Hare) while shouting "Riiide the pony!" Too bad Sam and Luna aren't here to give real pony rides!
Eric turns to Bill and asks, "What the hell just happened?"
Sookie (Anna Paquin), meanwhile, is still shooting off faerie bottle rockets in her yard, and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) - ever the responsible law enforcement official - stops by to ask her to cool it. She zaps him by accident, but he's okay - "I'm fine - you got me in the head." He asks why she's out there shooting blanks in the middle of the night and says that he thinks her powers are awesome, and may in fact be the only way they'll figure out who killed their parents.
Sookie mentions that she read Mike Spencer's mind once (hey - there's that name again!) and he was thinking about sucking her toes, and Jason tells her "Don't be sprayin' it all over the yard." Words of wisdom from someone who probably knows.
Back at the hospital, Luna escapes by slipping past Kevin in Sam drag - complete with an open-backed hospital gown (buns!) and the most hilarious sashay since last week's RuPaul's Drag U. He/She steals a "Free Mustache Rides" sweatshirt off a coma victim.
Over at Fangtasia, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) is goth dancing and a young fangbanger sidles up to her real nice. He looks familiar because he's one of the supe killers that was hanging out with Hoyt in the last episode - so we know this is going to end well. They Lambada, and she leads him off to certain no-goodness.
Back in the Interior Illusions Lounge, the vamps come down from their ecstasy (the state of religious euphoria, not the drug - or so we think) and Russell comments that "God has the most beautiful tits I've ever seen." I'm sure she would, right? He also praises Moses' cock, declaring that he's born again. Again. (You know, if we're really keeping count.)
Our creepy pedophile burn victim points out, "For the first time in a decade, I ate a child!" Yes, we noticed. They all think that Lilith's full-frontal appearance was a sign of her blessing of the drastic new direction in which they're taking the Authoritaay, and Salami (Valentina Cervi) sends out for some dinner to celebrate. The pedophile makes a special request for baby back ribs, claiming that "Lilith wants me to eat a baby." Of course she does.
Eric wants to skate, and he tries to get Bill to go with him. Bill isn't feeling it.
And whoever's ordering dinner, can you ask them to send extra napkins? Because these vamps really need to wipe their damned faces. Maybe even a wet-nap, if you have one - and get a lobster bib for the child molester, because that baby's gonna be juicy!
In some dark and probably rather musky room somewhere, Alcide (Joe Manganiello) and his lady Second Rikki (Kelly Overton) are having some serious sex. There's more grunting, sweating and thrusting than a Biggest Loser marathon. And lots of bare Manganiello buns - how is it that the episode directed by a confirmed straight dude offers up more fine male mudflap than any other episode this season?! It's a regular bunsapalooza. Anyway, it's all very hetero, otherwise - but when Alcide throws her across the room onto the bed it's kind of awesome. Oh to have been a merkin on the wall that day...
Back at the Authoritaay, Salami calls Bill into her chamber to feed on some girl. He's reluctant, saying that she's someone's daughter (what, the people at the karaoke bar were grown on the backs of mice?) - and then he flashes back to the last time he saw HIS daughter Sarah, which was Baton Rouge, 1910. She was on her deathbed and understandably a little confused as to why her long-dead father was appearing to her looking like Dorian Gray. (His secret: Oil of Olay!) She apparently asked him to make her immortal and he refused - and the guilt from this I guess is enough to convince him to eat the heck out of the chick tied to Salami's bed.
We then catch up with Hoyt (Jim Parrack) and the hillbilly hate mob, who have of course brought him to a house in the middle of nowhere where they have silvered Jess and are now offering her up to him like a prize calf. They give Hoyt a gun with wooden bullets and tell him that they're locking him in with her and won't let him out until she's dust.
Meanwhile, Sookie and Jason check back in with Claude and His Lovely Claudettes to see what exactly he meant by "other powers". Claude (Giles Matthey) promises to show them if they meet him at the bridge where their parents died the next day at noon.
Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) is driving home from Mexico in Jesus's car and realizes that after having his lips sewn shut and all, he could really use some Blistex. He looks for Jesus' murse and instead finds his hospital ID and a first-aid kit containing a vial of V. He dabs some V on his lips and is healed, and then Jesus (Kevin Alejandro, not ... you know, the other Jesus) appears in the passenger seat. Is Jesus REALLY his co-pilot? Jesus asks, "Does it matter?" and they hold hands.
Andy's interrogation of Joe Bob is not going well, with JB spitting, "Go f*ck yourself, shifter-lover!" and Sam offering to step in with his special skills. I guess there's Good Cop, Bad Cop, and Leg-Humping Cop? When Andy leaves, Sam starts to strip - hold on, now! Joe Bob says, "I ain't no f*ckin' homo!" and Sam assures him, "Neither am I" before he turns into a huge-ass snake.
Moments later, LunaSam stumbles into the PD babbling about whoknowswhat, and he/she runs into Sam's arms. It's actually kind of amazing. But LunaSam is worried that he/she is going to die if he/she can't shift back, which is slightly less amazing.
Across town, the London stage cast of the 2011 revival of Hair is leading Sookie and Jason through the field. Seriously - why are all the fairies British? And why are they dressed like flower children? They form a circle and talk about how magic is all physics (Einstein was a halfling), and suddenly Sookie can smell her mama's perfume. White Diamonds, if I remember correctly? Well, they certainly never brought HER luck, because as Sookie sees by accessing her mother's memory, that night on the bridge was a bloodbath. She watches from her mother's POV as a cloaked vamp kills her father, splattering him all over the windshield. But then it seems like she jumps into the vamp's memory, because she then sees herself killing her own mother and sniffing the bloody Band-Aid in the backseat, smacking her lips at the smell. Whah? Then Claudine pops up to zap him with her laserbeams.
At the party house from Last House on the Left, Hoyt asks Jess why she doesn't love him anymore. She tells him she tried everything for the feelings to come back, but they just didn't. He puts the gun to her head. Twice in two weeks? Jeez, can't a dead girl catch a break? From the other room we hear the shot, and Jess's boytoy runs to the door and unlocks it ... only to have his neck snapped by Jess, who is hiding behind the door. Hoyt goes to get help, because it's daytime and she can't leave. She thanks him. He replies, "F*ck you, Jess." Ain't love grand?
Arlene (Carrie Preston) and Holly (Lauren Bowles) ambush Lafayette at his house and beg him to stage a fake seance to convince Terry that the Curse of the Irritable Iraqi has dissipated. He looks at them like they're both crazy and gives him his diagnosis of Terry: "He off his meds. Ciao, bitches." But when they persist, he says that he'll do it for $300, but right now he's gonna go get really high and soak in the tub. Atta girl.
Andy, LunaSam, and SamSam barge into the room where Jess is hiding (Joe Bob told Sam about the plans to abduct and kill her), and she asks where Hoyt is. They have no idea. LunaSam smells something, though - a big girl who likes Cheetos and who smokes menthols was there. OMG, Britney?! I thought she was off the Newports! Huh. Moma Fortenberry, I'm thinking? Suddenly LunaSam gets violently ill.
Claude, meanwhile, is freaking the eff out that Sookie bonded psychically with a vampire. It's unprecedented, apparently. But Sookie remembers that Claudine used the vamp's name before she zapped her in her memory-read - it was Waldo! Wait, Wario? Warlo?
Over at Fangtasia, our favorite vampire bartendress is not thrilled to see Tracy - from Tracy's Togs! - sidling up to the bar to order a strawberry margarita. She wastes no time in insulting Tara (Rutina Wesley) on her new vamp status ("Now you're a member of two minorities!" I guess she doesn' know about the third yet.) and calling her "uppity", which Tara takes a real shine to NOOOOOTTTTT. Tara lays into her but Pam (Kristin Bauer von Straten) - who has been watching from her Stage Throne - swoops in to apologize: "Tara is new. And stupid." She gives Tracy her drink for free.
Over at the barn that these poor were extras have been spending all their time on for the last 8 episodes, JD (Louis Herthum) and Alcide are about to jump into the packmaster challenge, which isn't a knock-down, drag-out fight like I'd expected, but rather a competitive hunt. That's kinda ... tame? Although I'd kill to see Alcide in jodhpurs. But this time, instead of hunting and killing a rabbit or whatever, JD wants to hunt and kill ... a track and field star from the local university. I know we are supposed to be shocked at the stunning display of inhumanity, but I'm more surprised that there's a university nearby.
Alcide forfeits immediately (awwww!) but JD says that he's gonna hunt the guy anyway, just for funsies. Alcide blocks his way, calling him a druggie, and JD knocks him down and snarls, "You ain't fit to wipe my ass" and runs off. Alcide wolfs out and goes after him, apparently determined to convince him that he IS fit to wipe that ass, dammit! Meemaw Martha (Dale Dickey) looks constipated, so nothing new there.
Back at the Authoritaay, Eric visits Nora (Lucy Griffiths) in the Lilith Room to tell her that she's tripping: "Lilith doesn't exist." He tells her about their maker, Godric, appearing to him last night to set him straight, and Nora reminds him that Godric was a pathetic shadow of his true self by the time he died, closing with a simple "F*ck Godric." Eric doesn't like this, and he momentarily throttles her.
Sam, meanwhile, is having some "me" time, which involves cradling himself in his strong arms and gazing lovingly into his own eyes, which are actually Luna's. This is probably the most brilliantly awesome scene in the entire season, if you ask me - not only is Sam Trammell brilliant at impersonating his costars' mannerisms (check out how he nails Janina's speech patterns), but the sight of him nearly making out with himself is just hilarious. Sam says, "You mean more to me than anything - and you're incredibly handsome." But before they can go into full-on twin fetish porn mode, Luna shifts back to her sexy self and vomits into the trash bin. Atta girl!
Back at Fangtasia, Pam convinces a customer, "You don't want a margarita, you want a flat, half-empty beer" and struts off to deal with Tara. Turns out she wasn't as mad at her progeny as she let on: "You don't know me very well - my mad face and my happy face are the same." Pam has got Tracy chained up in the basement and glamours her into being a willing meal for Tara, who is more than happy to take her up on the offer.
In the woods, JD catches the college kid but Alcide tackles him before he can kill the guy. They scrap, and JD gets the upper hand - but before he can kill Alcide with a big rock, Meemaw Martha (Dale Dickey) interrupts and tells him to get his act together if he wants to be the leader of the pack.
Over at Terry and Arlene's, Arlene has apparently called Terry (Todd Lowe) and told him that there is a fire, because he and Patrick (Scott Foley) come running to the fake seance ambush that they have set up for them. Ha! After asking if they can blow out the candles (which they do), they agree to stay.
I feel obliged to point out that this scene is an exact recreation of the scene from Ghost that nabbed Whoopi Goldberg her Oscar. We've been waiting for Lafayette's "Terry, you in danger, girl" moment since he first strapped on the medium turban, and here it is: He fake-summons Zamfir Zaafira, the dead Iraqi woman (with all kinds of rattling bracelets and head-bobs and such) and then she's really there, sneaking up behind him and jumping down his throat to yell a bunch of whoknowswhat. He tells them that Zamfir will only call off the curse on one condition: Either Terry kills Patrick, or Arlene kills Terry. Patrick is out of there before you can say "Undisputed master of the pan flute."
Hoyt, wandering around on a country road, is relieved to see a familiar face in a pickup that pulls up, but less relieved when said face sticks a gun in his. Huh? Who do we think it is? My money's on Mike Spencer.
Sookie is in the bathroom when the air behind her gets all shimmery and suddenly Vampire Freddy Kruger is all up in her business. "You are miiiiine!" Wait, what?!
Back at the Authoritaay, Russell and Steve Newlin bond over Asian culture ("I loved kung pow chicken!") and annoy the rest of the vamps, who are plotting world domination and all that. They ask Bill what he thinks, and he says that they should blow up the True Blood factories so that all the world's vampires have to start feeding on humans again. Okay - that's horrible, but it's kind of brilliant, too. Eric asks him what the flying fae he thinks he's doing, and Bill replies, 'Evolving."
SCENE.
NOTABLY ABSENT: Emma, Mike Spencer, Maxine Fortenberry, the ifrit, Joe Manganiello's pants
NOTABLY DEAD: The girl in Salami's bed, the cute hate-banger
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: There was no shortage of zingers this week, but I liked Pam's "My mad face and my happy face are the same" more than the rest. It's funny because it's true!
WTF? RATING:
I gotta say I'm pretty impressed with Mr. Moyer's handling of what was a very complex episode for a number of reasons: the seance, the flashback, Sookie's memory trip, Luna's skinwalking, Alcide's modesty pouch-punishing sex scene. It was all done pretty darn well, and offered lots of humor and some visually arresting moments (the scene of Jess cowering in the corner under the supe-killers' flashlight was like a Terry Richardson photo shoot gone very wrong, wasn't it?). Between the Luna/Sam situation, the left-field Where's Warlo? mystery, and the continuing stupidity/insanity of the ifrit storyline, I think this ep deserves a solid 6 WTFs. Good episode!
So, to echo Eric's line to Bill, "What the hell just happened?" Who was the gun-toter in the truck? Who is Warlo? (I'm guessing Marlo Thomas's evil twin.) And is Bill really turning even douchier than he already is? We'll get the answers to none of these questions and more next week!
