Dear CBS and Cackling CBS Czar Les Moonves: Can we please fast-track a Survivor spinoff starring Malcolm and Denise of the dilapidated Matsing tribe? I think it could benefit society, which is more than I can say for anything Abi-Maria will achieve in her lifetime. I've already picked out some titles: Russell's Refugees; Post-Probst; Anything But Roxy; Awake and Matsing! (Clifford Odets fans in the house? Anyone?)
Thing is, we need that spinoff because Jeff Probst forced Malcolm and Denise to split up and join the two thriving tribes. Now that Malcolm's on Tandang and Denise is on Kalabaw, we may never see them team up in quite the same way again, though they're sharing an immunity idol at the moment. And just as I feared most, we got plenty more acquainted with the heretofore unseen Tandang and Kalabaw players this week, and they are... un-thrilling humanoid specimens. Though one of them is cute and boasts freakish abs. Cool.
Here are my most important observation of the week:
Dying Dana deserved a round of applause for her Love Story reenactment.
There's no doubt that malnourishment and awful weather conditions can wreck your body. Yes. But that doesn't mean the Kalabaw tribe's sickly Dana and her extreme agony weren't highly theatrical treats. The moans! The helplessness! The blanket-hoarding! The conviction! I thought Tonys were going to rain from the sky and ruin everybody's tarps. The camera lingered on the poor girl's face as she suffered through abdominal hell, and I was glued to this mess like one of Santino Rice's last-minute sleeves on season two of Project Runway. The svelte Dana could barely speak at one point, and when a medic finally arrived to pronounce her suffering non-life-threatening (which Dana must've felt was slightly insulting), I already knew she'd pack up and leave. Sorry to see the tiny, rad woman go.
I just loved that her ailment was never fully disclosed. It was so Love Story. I wanted her to reveal a Ryan O'Neal t-shirt under her top and a tribal tattoo reading, "Love Means Never Having to Explain Jenny's Leukemia To The Audience."
Malcolm is a flawless prince.
Tandang just earned a big leg up with Malcolm on its side, and he proved that so by soundly (and cleverly!) defeating Jeff during that great steal-the-bacon reward game. Since the object was to knock your opponent's wielded statue to the ground while protecting the one you're wielding yourself, it was a stroke of gaming genius when Malcolm tossed his own statue in the air and reached over and slap Jeff's to the ground before his own could hit the pavement too. Surely Malcolm has a target on his back, but for now, he's kicking ass and schooling Jeff. And I love watching Jeff lose.
Well, Dawson, you sure... had a lot of energy.
I didn't hate perky Dawson, who found herself evicted by an overwhelming margin at the Kalabaw tribal council at episode's end, but I wish she'd been a cannier player. She should've used her knowledge of Jeff Kent's baseballing days to her advantage much earlier on -- or at least threatened the antigay s.o.b. once or twice -- and she also should've realized that she'd be an easy target for eviction. When you're exclaiming at tribal council about how you help "build morale," you probably haven't built much else. Props to Katie, who lagged miserably during the immunity challenge, for worming her way to safety.
The potentially gay hot person's hottest moment: Getting really mad when he lost.
During the immunity challenge, hot Carter led Kalabaw in a sprint that looked like a victorious effort. He untethered ropes fast, jumped perilous pits fast, and basically did everything right that Katie didn't. When Tandang pulled ahead and eventually won the competition, he unleashed a furious kick that popped my hormones like the little oblong shapes in Milton Bradley's Perfection. I love a sore loser. And a sore winner. Basically, whether you win or lose, you should have to cry and call your mom. Carter's anger seemed in line with that philosophy. I award him with wolf whistles.
Uh, hey: Is Jeff's baller past hidden for good?
If I'm not mistaken, no Survivor cast member other than Dawson has pointed out Jeff's athletic career yet. That is unfortunate. That might mean he'll coast along until the end of the season without being named the superstar gay marriage killer that he is. Wow. In a way, I like this as a dramatic twist, because nothing bothers me more than petty reasons for voting off a castaway. (Remember how Kelly B. from Survivor: Nicaragua was voted off essentially because she was a likable amputee?) But at the same time, this dude sucks. And now I'm depressed. Nice mugshot-y grimace, dude.
How do we feel about Malcolm and Denise's chances going forward? Are we rooting for anyone else? I find that impossible, personally. Unless we consider Carter's rage its own contestant at this point.
