Gentlemen, ladies and, err, more gentlemen… Ever wonder how it feels to lock eyes with pure evil? To encounter the countenance of wanton massacre? To stare at the gruesome visage of your impending doom?
Well wonder no more. This is what death looks like.
Don't believe me? Read on. Because by the end of this week's episode of Misfits, you will never think of milk (or any other dairy product) in the same way again.
Meet Brian.
Isn't he just adorable?
His daily and miserable routine involves by grabbing the bottles of milk delivered to his doorstep each morning, pouring said milk on his corn flakes and wolfing them down, then trudging over to a cafe where he gets to, you guessed it, provide milk for everyone's tea... at least I'm guessing its tea, considering it is the UK. Never speaking to anyone, he simply pours and watches customers walk away, barely even acknowledging his existence.
The only bright spot in his day is when he gets to serve a Beautiful Girl. Yup, you guessed it. No name. Thanks, show. Though they've never spoken (and she looks like she couldn't be bothered), it's perfectly clear that he is smitten.
On the day of the fateful storm, Brian goes to his door to retrieve his milk when suddenly he gets struck in the head by that crazy lightning.
At work, he spills some milk on his counter. Suddenly, to his amazement, he discovers he can move the milk just by concentrating on it. Brian records a video of himself using his power, then demonstrates this newfound talent to the customers at his café. Suddenly, the girl he's loved from afar shows interest in him.
Before you know it, Brian is on the front page of the paper. His door bell rings. He opens it to a sharply dressed woman who hands him a card. It reads:
Laura Bailey, Talent Manager.
With that, Brian becomes an overnight celebrity. At a press conference, with cameras rolling and flashbulbs popping, a reporter shouts the question, "How would you describe your power?". With Laura by his side, Brian proudly states, "I call it… Lactokinesis".
We pull back, revealing our band of superpowered miscreants watching the conference on television. All are looking vaguely disturbed.
Kelly, once again, sums it up for us.
"That has to be the sh*ttiest power ever."
Later, Curtis, Nathan and Simon are at the community center urinals doing what men usually do at urinals ("Nice c*ck, man." Nathan says to Curtis. "F*ck off!" Curtis retorts).
Instead of f*cking off, Nathan goes on to suggest that they should all go public with their abilities.
"We finish our community service in two days. I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers."
While Simon is dead-set against this, Nathan is already busily counting the money… and women. Then he's right back to counting the money. But Unbeknownst to them, Proby 3, from a bathroom stall, has heard every word.
Soon after, the group is ready for their daily task. Alisha approaches Simon and asks about Jessica, the girl Simon lost his virginity to. Oh, and also the girl whose father tried to murder him.
"After what happened with her dad, she said she can't see me." says the Invisible One without a trace of irony.
"You'll meet someone else. Trust me."
Simon's far too despondent to hear this. He walks towards the door, opens it and is confronted with a mob of press outside. He quickly shuts the door.
"They know about us." Simon tells them, panicked.
After Nathan takes a look outside (and, of course, preens in front of the cameras) he confirms the mob. The others think Nathan must've blabbed to the press, but he quickly figures out it was Proby 3 (Their first hint was Proby 3 telling them he told the press).
The group panics as Simon tells them they'll have to don disguises and go into hiding lest they let locked up in a Government facility and experimented on.
"There is an alternative." says a voice from behind. They spin around, facing the steely smooth gaze of talent manager to all supernatural people of England, Laura Bailey.
"If this is handled right, you will be making some serious money."
They huddle up. Simon is adamantly opposed. The others believe this is a risky offer, due to the number of, I don't know, DEAD PEOPLE they've got on their hands. They turn to Laura.
"Now I'm not saying we have, but what would happen -- hypothetically speaking -- if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people. Probation works. No one important."
"I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil." Laura answers. " You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich and famous superheroes".
Spoken like a true agent. You can practically see the dollar signs in their eyes, it's like something out of a Warner Bros. cartoon. They agree to go with Laura's plan.
Except Simon. He walks away, warning the rest that they're making a big mistake.
Laura informs them that they even have a nickname. The ASBO Five. Sounds like the opening act of One Direction to me, but cest la vie. I'll continue to recap in hopes that I'll learn just what the hell an ASBO is. Because right now, I keep thinking it has something to do with asbestos but that literally makes no sense.
Our gang is whisked away to the Grand Hotel. Nathan wakes up in a bed of naked women.
Yes, that was plural. How he ended up with all of them is a mystery. My guess… maybe he picked up Mitt Romney's binder.
Simon arrives, in purely invisible mode. He finds Nathan and explains that, with his parents freaking out about his power, he has no where else to go. Nathan agrees to let Simon stay with him.
Laura preps the teen titans (excluding Simon) and asks for them to let her know if there's anything from their past that could harm them.
Nathan makes up a story about having sex with a woman and doing a triple (that would be ejaculating, vomiting and soiling ones self at the same time… 'cause you were just dying to know). Kelly confesses that she shagged a monkey.
Technically, it was a Gorilla. But the look on Laura tells me that this elucidation would not reduce the abject horror in her eyes.
A mixer party is held to bring together the newly discovered superpowered with the already discovered super-able to write big checks. Brian approaches Laura but she coldly brushes right past him.
Wounded by the snub, Brian continues to the ASBO Five... err four, since Simon is in hiding. It isn't long before Brian regrets walking up to them, especially Nathan.
"We're you one of those fat kids that had milk seeping out of your man-boobs during puberty?" Nathan asks.
Nathan then proceeds to wrap around Brian and attempt to milk his chest. Needless to say, Brian hightails it away from them the moment he's free.
Laura approaches Nathan with a proposition.
"How'd you feel about blowing your brains out live on national television?"
"Yeah, I'm definitely up for that."
But the true star of the party has just arrived. Her name is Daisy and her power is that she can cure any disease or injury just by rubbing her hands on the sore spot. She demonstrates this power when a young man in a wheelchair crashes the party and begs for her help. She rubs his legs and, after one disastrous attempt, he finds that he can walk again.
Everyone at the mixer is thrilled… except Brian. His celebrity status is slipping away right before his eyes.
Brian returns to his room only to find Beautiful Girl, now his girlfriend, packing her bags. He quickly understands why.
"There are other people with powers. You're not interested in me?"
"There's a guy downstairs who can rewind time. You can do stuff with milk." she says dismissively.
Brian will not stand for another second of this.
"I'll show you what I can do", he spits.
He glares at her… concentrates on her. Suddenly, she starts clutching her stomach, then her neck.
"What's happening?" she asks, choking before our eyes.
"That's the Greek yogurt you had", he tells her. "And it's moving into your trachea."
Yup, she's a goner.
Doesn't look so adorable now, does he?
But she won't be the only one. For Brian, eying the newspaper, has already found his next target.
"Saint" Daisy.
Nathan rushes into his hotel bathroom, panicked because he has just discovered there's a price to be paid for shagging groupies… and that price is called Gonorrhea. Simon rushes in to try to calm Nathan's alarm.
"You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you", Simon suggests.
"Right", exclaims Nathan. "She wants to cure the world. She can start with my c*ck."
Meanwhile, Daisy is in her room, watching television. A half-empty bottle of milk rests on a tray beside her half-eaten meal. And behind her, sight unseen, is a half-crazed Brian.
There's a knock on the door and Nathan enters. He tries his best to convince her to cure his clap, but she's having absolutely none of that. Nathan distracts her by pointing to Daisy's prominent Mother Theresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award -- A trophy of two hands pressed palm to palm in prayer.
As Daisy turns away from him to marvel at her award, Nathan unzips his fly in order to, um, perform a drive-by penis rubbing.
It suddenly occurs to me that I'm not getting paid enough to write sentences like that.
Anyway, he's close to getting Daisy's hands down his pants when Brian stares at her… concentrates on her. Daisy's mouth foams with milk as she chokes to death.
Nathan gets in a quick magic rub when Daisy turns, facing him. She stumbles backwards, trips and impales herself on to her Mother Theresa Young Humanitarian of the Year Award.
Nathan vainly tries to use Daisy's own hands to heal herself, but it is no use. She dies. Just as Laura walks in the room.
Later, Laura informs Nathan that the police say his version of events is satisfactory. You can definitely tell this isn't America. Someone would've at least wounded him before coming to that conclusion.
Nathan celebrates the news with Simon -- and by news, I mean that his drive-by penis rubbing scheme actually worked and he's cured of the clap. They are about to toast to this good fortune when there's a knock at the door.
Simon turns invisible just as Nathan escorts Alisha inside. She's not happy, finding the whole fame thing as empty as a Victoria Jackson thought.
"He knew it would be like this… Simon. We should have listened to him."
Alisha asks if Nathan has seen him. Nathan covers and says he hasn't.
"He said picking up liter was the best time of his life." she confesses.
Simon, listening to this exchange, reacts. He's never said that to her.
Curious, he follows her out of the hotel and all the way back to Future Simon's loft. Alisha collapses on the bed as a stunned Simon takes in all the photos… the countdown clocks… then Alisha. She pulls a photograph from her purse. The two of them in Las Vegas. Tears roll down her face. Simon phases out of invisibility.
"Where did you get that?" he asks, increasingly unnerved.
"Someone gave that to me."
"Who?"
Alisha deliberates, knowing full-well the promise she made Future Simon.
"The guy in the mask."
"Who is he?"
Finally, it's obvious that Alisha can no longer hold back the truth.
"He's you."
Hours have passed and Alisha has told Simon the entire story. How they become a couple, how their relationship is what will allow him to be the confident, assured Dark Rider in the future. And his sacrifice to save her life. Simon begins to settle this information within himself. He looks to Alisha.
"What happens now?" Simon asks.
"No f*cking idea."
Back at the Grand Hotel, Laura tells Brian that she's dropping him from her client roster. He is not pleased. He glares at her… concentrates on her. Laura clutches her chest, eyes wide with fear.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"It's the cheese you had earlier," Brian responds. "It's slowly clogging your arteries."
Laura succumbs to her heart attack and dies.
That night, we're almost ready to go live at Nathan's national television debut entitled (I kid you not): "Nathan Young: Oops, There Goes My Brains".
Backstage, everyone, including Simon, who's decided to no longer stay invisible, and Nikki enjoys some very cheesy pizza before the show. Everyone, that is, except for Curtis who reveals to them that he's lactose intolerant. Hmmm… doth smell I foreshadowing?
Alisha and Kelly go to the restroom to freshen up. Kelly is at the sink when milk drips from the ceiling to her face. She telling this to Alisha (who is still in a stall) when suddenly she goes quiet. Alisha, worried, opens the stall door only to find Brian waiting for her.
Simon gets a text from Alisha and opens it excitedly. Instead he finds this message.
"If you ever want to see Alisha and Kelly again, come to the hotel."
Curtis, Nikki and Simon race to the restroom where they're hoping to find the girls. Instead, they find a pool of milk on the floor. Simon quickly deduces that Brian ("the milk guy") is the person they're after. Nikki gets the sensation she gets just before she teleports. Curtis screams but there's nothing that he can do. Nikki teleports to the hotel, landing on the hotel bed. Disoriented, she pulls focus on Brian as he's wrapping Alisha's mouth and hands with plastic wrap.
Brian stares at Nikki, concentrates on her.
Back at the studio, Nathan blows his brains out on national television. When he comes to, the credits roll and he's done. Back in the changing room, Kelly finds him.
"You're walking into a trap." she says.
Nathan, confused, learns that Brian has kidnapped Alisha. He also learns one more tragic bit of news. One that shakes him to his core.
"He killed me, Nathan." Kelly tells him. "I'm f*cking dead."
Simon and Curtis arrive at the hotel. They see Brian moving through a distant hallway. Curtis chases after him. Simon wants to find Alisha and goes searching for her.
Soon after, Nathan arrives and runs right into Brian. He rushes in for the attack but Brian stops him with his mind.
In pain, but still alive, Nathan exclaims, "You can't kill me. I'm immortal."
"I'm not trying to kill you." Brian states with malice-laced glee. "That's the mozzarella wrapping itself around your central cortex. You're going to spend the rest of your life as a vegetable."
Nathan sinks to the ground, paralyzed and unresponsive.
Simon uses his cell phone to call Alisha and get a fix on her location. Having found Laura's body, he is losing hope. He hears her cell phone ringing and follows the sound to the room. He walks inside, finding Nikki's lifeless body on the bed, cheese clogging her airways. A cruel, painful death. He hasn't fully absorbed this sight when he turns, finding Alisha's body on the floor.
He kneels to her, caressing her cheek, kissing her forehead. He removes his denim jacket and places it over her body. When he looks up, he's determined in a way we've never seen him before. He stalks out of the room and into the hallway, ready to hunt her killer.
He pulls the hood over his head, disappearing from sight as he becomes The Dark Rider.
Brian is heading out when Curtis appears from behind.
"Why'd you do it?" Curtis asks.
"The only time people like me get noticed is when we kill a sh*tload of people."
Brian stares at Curtis, concentrates on him but nothing happens.
"That cheese sh*t won't work on me, d*ckhead. I'm lactose intolerant."
Brian removes a sharp, double pronged weapon from his waistband and plunges it towards Curtis' abdomen… where it sinks into thin air.
Brian runs off as the wounded Simon appears, having jumped in front of Curtis to save him. Simon's tone says it all. No more messing around. No more excuses.
"They're all dead." Simon tells Curtis. "We have to go back to before we were famous. DO IT!"
Curtis switches on his power, transporting back through time, past all of the death that has occurred and lands back at the locker room of the community center. The group is still alive, getting dressed for the day. They look at Curtis and know that something has gone wrong.
"There's something we have to do," he tells them.
Brian is in his kitchen, setting up his video camera. Just as he's about to record his astonishing power when his doorbell rings. He opens the door to the ASBO 5, all staring daggers at him.
Wordless, Curtis reaches back and throws a fist at Brian's face, plunging him and all of us into darkness.
Back at the community center, the gang has finally completed their community service, but no one is in much of a mood to celebrate. Each of them has grown to care for one another and worried that without the daily routine of seeing each other, they'll drift apart. Curtis reminds them of all of the things they've gone through. They're bonded for good.
Simon tells everyone that "being here with all of you... has been the best time of my life.
Kelly then suggests they all go out for a drink. One by one, they finish and exit the locker room, no longer juvenile offenders... But heroes.
Once again, another strong episode. I wish they would put some consistent rules in place for our favorite lactose intollerant time traveler, but what can you do.
Oh, and since the show never got around to telling us what the hell an ASBO is, I found the answer myself. My fellow Americans, ASBO stands for Anti-Social Behavior Order. Or, simply put, offenders who wouldn't merit criminal prosecution in British courts.
Don't say I don't do anything nice for you.
Misfits airs on Logo Thursday nights at 10/9c. The on-air episodes are edited for U.S. television. Want to see the show in its original version? (More cussing/nudity.) Unexpurgated season eps are available for viewing online at LogoTV.com!
