Vampire Diaries Voice Over fills us in again this week on the history of Mystic Falls and what happened last week. Elena turned, Damon yearned and the Council burned. It's week two and I am already over the VDVO. It was interesting the first time to catch up a new viewer to the general history of the show but a simple “previously on The Vampire Diaries” really suffices. Plus the way Joseph Morgan delivers the line “and even hybrids” just sucks.
Stefan and Elena are all snuggly in the woods and we immediately flash back to I assume the previous night at Chez Salvatore. The brothers are arguing about Stefan's plan to keep Elena on an animal diet. He believes if she never feeds on a human she'll be better able to handle the blood lust. Damon insists it can't work, that she needs to feed “from the vein” which sounds way dirty.
Elena walks in on the chest-thumping and tries to get Damon on board the “animal plan” but Damon's not having it. “You're a vampire, Elena. Be a vampire.”
Intercut with the argument are snippets showing Stefan stalking a deer, Elena feeding from it Stefan reassuring her that the deer will recover. This whole transformation just is not going to work for me if Elena stays this precious.
Next Stefan tries to teach her the vampire zoom but giggly Elena is too distracted by his hands on her body, which, fair point, I would be too. The lesson turns into a shirtless makeout session but Elena's feeling grumbly in her tumbly. She zooms off and spews up a bucket of Bambi blood.
Title card!
At Vampire Gitmo, AKA Pastor Young's ranch, an attractive African American gentleman opens the door to the murder room.
He examines the gas line and the lighter and we flash back to the explosion scene which we just saw in the previouslys, show, give us a little credit for persistence of memory. He opens the oven and there's an envelope inside addressed to an “April”. He takes it and reads it and if he turns out to be April that would be hysterical.
Mystic Grill, still the only place in town with a liquor license apparently. Sheriff Liz finds Damon drinking his breakfast and confronts him with the newspaper story about the explosion. He notes the cover-up nature of the headline and Liz remarks that it's better than “Town Council blown up, police have no suspects”. Except for Damon, who assures her that if he were going to kill twelve people he'd “have a dinner party. Snerk.
Damon pipes the new fish, who approaches the Sheriff to ask about the fire. He introduces himself as Conner Jordan which I'm wondering if that's a shout out to Angel, Green Lantern or maybe both.
Liz wonders if he has something to do with the insurance claim but he explains he's “more of an independent contractor”. He draws her aside to chat, conveniently ignoring Damon.
Cut to Mystic Falls High School where Jeremy and Matt, who I think is sporting a spiffy new haircut, are loading some boxes into an SUV. Jeremy exposits that they contain paper lanterns made by the student council which will be lit and released in remembrance of the dead Council members. Matt snarkily wonders whether the student council really thought through the “memorialize people who burned to death with fire” concept. Heh. Jeremy advises him not to crack wise in front of Elena.
Matt asks how she is, still feeling guilty that she was turned because Stefan saved him. He offers to do whatever he can, “short of giving her a ride”. Matt is tearing it up tonight.
A new girl approaches Jeremy. He eventually recognizes her as April, Pastor Young's daughter whom Elena used to baby-sit. She's socially awkward and makes inappropriate gas line references so I guess she's Jeremy's new love interest? She explains that she's not much for grief.
Elena calls Caroline from Stefan's bedroom and leaves a voicemail, explaining she's having adjustment issues. Stefan bounds in with a bottle of champagne from the year she was born to celebrate her first feed. I wonder if Hallmark makes a card for that. She's not sure she should be celebrating since the blood made her sick and Stefan cranks up the gay with “Listen, I choked it down for a month before I could stomach the taste.” Elena pops Stefan's cork and they blather away about their feelings for a minute and kiss a bit before a phone call interrupts. It's Damon, and Stefan gets all concerned.
Back at the Grill Elena confronts Damon about whether he arsoned the Council and he's all “Am I wearing my 'I Blew Up the Council' t-shirt?” She confesses that she can't keep the animal blood down. He suggests snacking on one of the customers, pointing out they have “Asian fusion, Mexican, how about some good old American comfort food?”
She refuses human blood so he leads her into the restroom where they have cheer sex. Damon bites his wrist and offers it to Elena, reiterating that she needs it “from the vein”. Yup, still dirty. He asks her not to tell Stefan because “blood sharing is kinda personal”.
So I'm confused. Did Damon call Stefan and cause him to be concerned, and if so why did Elena go and not Stefan? Or did Damon call Elena and if so why is Stefan answering her phone, and what was so concerning either way?
And Tyler makes it two episodes out of two for shirtlessness as he and Caroline roll around on his bed (while his mother is downstairs, we're about to learn). She feels guilty about having sex right after so many deaths but Tyler insists, "Grief sex! It's healthy!” She says they need to be more sensitive and is his hand really wandering to her downthere place at 7:20 on a Thursday? They exchange “I love you”s and rub noses and are totes adorbs until Tyler gets cockblocked by the door bell.
Mayor Carol opens up and finds Conner Jordan, who hovers on the threshold to make us wonder for a minute if he's a vampire. He wants to talk about the explosion but she insists it's “an internal matter”. He prefers “cover-up” and pushes inside past Carol. So, not a vampire.
He asks why she wasn't at the Council meeting and she says it wasn't official town business. He presses to know what it was about but before she can answer Tyler, sadly fully dressed, comes downstairs. Conner shakes his hand and Tyler's skin starts to sizzle. Conner unloads several shots into Tyler. With his automatic pistol. Caroline is alerted upstairs. Her underwear set is really cute.
Conner moves to reload and Tyler revives. Carol screams at him to run and he leaps out the window to escape. Tyler, the door is right there.
A once-again shirtless Tyler reclines on a couch at Chez Salvatore while Caroline hovers and Stefan digs the wooden bullets out of him.
Stefan comments on the length and girth, excuse me width, of the objects that penetrated Tyler and notes that if Tyler weren't a hybrid he'd be dead. Tyler reports on the new hunters vervane-steeped gloves as Damon notices symbols etched on the bullets. He touches one and it burns his hand.
Cut to a church, where Elena and Matt are helping set up for the memorial service for the Council. She explains for I think the third time this episode that her emotions are heightened. Elena spots April sitting up front and heads over. April's worried about the speech she's been asked to give. “What am I supposed to say, I'm sorry my dad didn't fix the gas line?” But she also worries that no one will speak about the pastor because “everyone deserves to have nice things said about them at their funeral.” Elena's all speak, don't speak, either way everyone loved your dad.
She strokes April's wrist and seems to fixate on her pulse point a bit before things start going blurry. Elena excuses herself and dashes to the restroom where she disgorges the blood she drank from Damon all over the toilet, the floor and her pretty peach dress which is totally a color you would wear to a funeral.
Damon drops by Bereaved Bonnie's place, which looks like a nice house for a girl whose only known living relative has had nothing to do with her for the last two and a half seasons. Who pays the mortgage? Who pays on Elena's place, for that matter? No way is Jeremy earning enough at the Grill to cover the family nut.
Anyway, Stefan insists she speak with him. She reluctantly opens the door but he's barred from entering. She invites him in and he comforts her with an embrace. She laments about her guilt about what happened to Grams and how trying a spell that morning made her feel like it was all happening again. She apologizes for unloading on him but he's all, no problem, and starts to head out. She asks about what he came over for and he shows her the wooden slugs. She tells him the symbols are not magical writing and asks where they came from. He explains that there's a new hunter in town. Her response: “Oh. Bad timing.”
Damon's heading to the church with a change of clothes when Conner starts rattling the knob. Damon arrives and starts flirting with Conner. Shame on you Damon, your last boyfriend barely cold in the ground! Elena snakes the garment bag and while she's changing Conner tries his vervane glove trick on Damon, who refuses his hand claiming germophobia.
While Elena changes and cleans up, Damon pumps Conner for information. Conner claims to be in environmental protection, in town to clean up the “pollution problem”. I can't wait for the inevitable “It's time to take out the trash” quip. Elena emerges now dressed in black (much better for a funeral but we're talking about those shoes in a minute) and she and Damon walk off. Up in the sanctuary Conner startles April by sneaking up on her, then startles her again by gutting her like a fish.
Outside Damon slips Elena a blood bag. She tries to drink but can't stand the taste. Damon theorizes that her “Doppelganger blood” my be rejecting the transition. Elena insists she's dying but Damon again tells her she needs to “drink from the vein”. Still filthy. Elena refuses for fear that she'll lose control and, heeding the church bells, heads in to the memorial.
Those shoes. Those hideous shoes. They're white or bone, hard to tell, with a chunky heel. Combined with the white hose it looks like a bad interpretation of the bottom half of a sexy nurse costume. I realize she probably didn't think about accessories when she called Damon for the new dress, but I still have to name Elena my Fash-hole of the Week.
Stefan spots Damon gathering his supplies and confronts him. They argue for the third time this episode about Elena's diet and Damon spills that Elena fed on him.
Elena sits with Matt and Jeremy and wonders where April is. She's bleeding out in the choir loft with Conner. Stefan wonders why Tyler is there what with having a bull's eye on his finely chiseled back. He's not going to let being hunted interfere with his life and Caroline is fully prepared to kick her some hunter ass, yo.
Carol starts the service by opening the floor to anyone who'd like to say a few words about the deceased. She calls on April, who is still otherwise occupied bleeding to death upstairs. She asks for anyone else and of course Elena totters up to the pulpit.
Damon splashes on a little holy water and half-assedly crosses himself before having the fourth iteration of the same argument with Stefan.
Elena starts her remarks but is distracted by the sound and smell of April's blood dripping from the ceiling. The rest of the vampires in the crowd start to go all Pavlov's dogs but Damon channels his inner Admiral Akbar and stage-whispers “It's a trap!”
As Conner is drawing beads on anyone and everyone with his sniper rifle Elena starts vamping out ever so slightly. Stefan leads her back to her seat and as the congregation starts to sing a hymn Elena starts jonesing bad. Damon's giving until the count of ten before he gets Medieval on Conner's ass so Matt offers himself to Elena. She feeds off him right there in church but the blood is still driving her to distraction. Speaking of distractions, Tyler offers one by (kind of rudely) interrupting the singing to say a few words about Pastor Young. He starts to give a too on the nose account of how the pastor taught him the importance of teamwork when he's penetrated for the second time tonight. The congregation panics as Tyler falls to the floor.
I'm really not understanding the mechanics of Conner's methodology here. He shoots the town scion in front of a hundred witnesses and he thinks no one might think to suspect the new guy?
The church clears out and Caroline pulls the projectile out of a rightfully pissed off Tyler. Carol heads off to call an ambulance while Stefan goes after Damon. Caroline realizes Elena is missing.
Outside Conner throws his gear into his truck but before he can get gone Damon rips his door off and yanks him out. Conner gets off a few shots into Damon from the bottom and rolls up on top. He pulls a stake out of somewhere and tries to sip it in. Stefan calls out for Damon and Conner retreats.
Stefan reaches out a hand to the wounded Damon but instead of pulling him up punches him in the face. Damon: “What the hell was that for?” Stefan: “You know what.”
"Dude, did they just steal our bit?"
"Yeah but it's OK, we totally kicked their asses in the slash tourney!"
Elena finds the wounded April but as she stands over her the blood lust takes control and she attacks. Caroline pulls her off and talks her down. Caroline feeds April her blood and tells Elena to compel her to forget. Elena doesn't think she can do it but Caroline assures her that she can. Elena kneels down and soothes April, telling her she'll make it through and Elena will help her. She compels April to believe that she watched the funeral from the choir loft so she could grieve privately but it was a lovely service. “People said nice things.”
At no time does Elena compel April to forget that Elena almost bit her or that she drank Caroline's blood, which seems like a mistake, and I question the wisdom of having April “remember” something so completely at odds with reality. She's moving back to town (although with both parents dead there's no indication of where she'll live or how she'll eat) and it seems likely that at some point she's going to talk about the service with someone who remembers the gun-toting maniac.
Matt and Jeremy are getting some food to go at the Grill and idly wonder how Tyler's getting shot will be covered up. The leading theory? “Altar Boy Goes Postal”. Conner asks Matt about the bandage on his neck. Mind your own beeswax, Captain Buttinsky! Matt says a girlfriend got carried away and, as they turn to go, Jeremy compliments Conner on the tattoo covering most of his right arm. Matt doesn't see the tattoo. Just sprinkle some lemon juice on it or hold his arm next to a candle! Conner looks pensive at the idea that Jeremy can see his ink.
Conner steps up into his mobile home that's stuffed with hunter paraphernalia. Oh I get it, he's a Grimm! He reads April's letter. It's from her father, who apologizes for what he did but assures her that it was a necessary sacrifice. Evil is rampant in Mystic Falls and a larger evil is coming but he'll see her again in Heaven.
Stefan pours Elena a drink back at Chez Salvatore and explains that the alcohol helps with the cravings. They argue about Elena's lying to him and he's all “you're in Hell so I'm in Hell and you went to Damon for help.” But what he's really pissed about is that she fed on Damon. She starts crying and Stefan explains again some more about her heightened emotions and Elena exclaims that she feels like she's at a never ending funeral. She can't handle the grief but Stefan gets an idea.
He summons everyone to a park where he passes out paper lanterns. He explains that they've become so numb to grief that they've stopped dealing with it. Damon objects that they have more important things to do but Stefan tells him, not tonight.
Stefan dedicates his lantern to his uncle Zach and his friend Lexi and Alaric. Matt dedicates his lantern to his sister Vicki. Caroline's lantern is for her dad and for Tyler's. Jeremy's is for his parents, Vicki, Anna, Aunt Jenna and Alaric. Damon refuses and stalks off. Bonnie's lantern is for Grams. Elena's dedicates hers to her parents, Jenna, everyone everybody else has lost, and for herself. The lanterns drift up and away. This show does mourn porn better than anything else on TV. And I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Damon's drinking in a graveyard, mocking them and their lanterns. He calls them all stupid children and, with a shot that establishes he's at Alaric's grave, he rants that “when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody in your life used to be.” As the camera pans to show that Alaric is sitting there invisibly with him Damon continues, “And a rock with a birth date carved into it that I'm pretty sure is wrong. So thanks, friend, thanks for leaving me to baby-sit, because I should've been long gone by now. I didn't get the girl, remember? I'm stuck here, fighting with my brother and taking care of the kids. You owe me big.”
As Damon walks away, Alaric says, “I miss you too, buddy.”
