Thank you, Survivor, for figuring out how to be kickass even after you split up my dream team of ferocious Denise and the sensually athletic Malcolm. You picked the best solution possible: a mud wrestling challenge that looked a lot like sex -- and between men! Hey, Mark Burnett, I think is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. May you name your next season Survivor: Andrew Christian Jockstrap Ad.
I'm still waiting for the real scheming and backstabbing to begin on Survivor: Philippines, but in the meantime, the show dealt us five hot items during Wednesday's hour that are worth revisiting. I grunted in approval throughout the episode like Cloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein.
1. The aforementioned sexy mud.
What a fun little bacchanal. Pete and Carter threw each other around in the muck like twink swamp monsters. Lisa and Denise sat on each other like roller derby vets. And before it all came to a standstill and both tribes agreed to split up the victory food (the special prize sandwiches went to Kalabaw, both teams' rice supply went to the smarter-thinking Tandang), Michael Skupin and Jonathan found themselves stuck in an "intimate" (quoth Probst) stranglehold involving crotch-invading arms and a long-lasting torso hug. I hear Roddy McDowall used to throw parties for this sort of thing in the '70s.
2. Hey, look at Lisa Whelchel making herself useful!
Lisa Whelchel is basically the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern of Survivor contestants. She's not even sure she's a part of the play, but she's still talking and existing and seems to be aware that something's going on. Maybe a game? Maybe a war? Maybe she's already dead? Who knows.
But looky here: In addition to exhibiting her fine mud-wrestling skills, Lisa helped propel Tandang to a come-from-behind victory by launching her team's projectiles straight at Malcolm, who jumped up and caught three in a row with ease. This reminds me of the original season of American Gladiators, when the inferior female gladiator Sunny couldn't joust or tackle worth a damn, but she wasn't too bad at manning the cannon in Assault. You'll notice she sports a little Blair Warner flair. This can't be coincidental.
I'm obsessed with the phrase "making herself useful," by the way -- particularly the way Barbra Streisand says it in this very, erm, informative PSA about "mentally retarded people who need people."
3. Hot Carter cannot get any slurrier. And I'm for it.
Guys, Carter's speech slowed to an inhuman two-syllables-an-hour crawl this episode. Legally, I don't believe that's even speaking. Now it's just an ambient drone that the other contestants are mistaking for a glum heron. Carter confessed something about being hungry at some point, and I'm telling you it was slower and longer than the end credits to Schindler's List. I was most aghast when he conferred with Jeff about whether to vote off Katie or Penner. The word "Penner" proved a speech obstacle; it became a monotone, forty-second contrabassoon note on the low end of the scale. I still have no idea if this guy is gay (though I believe I've heard rumors that he's a Christian), but no matter: I'm gay for his slurry everything. It's getting Hot in Slurr, so take off all your clothes. But slooooooooowly, you nelly thang!
4. I've composed several ballads about saving Denise.
Denise cannot catch a break on this damn show. She literally hasn't won a single challenge, though she's one of the top five competitors in the game. Other contestants would've imploded after so many losses, but it appears the Cedar Rapids sex therapist is as dogged and buoyant as ever. I can't say I'm too sure about her chances on the team moving forward: Will her newbie status ("Last one hired, first one fired" as she put it) hinder her? Does she have a chance against the chilly front of Jeff, Penner, and Carter? Can't Malcolm come over, strap Denise to his adamantium abs, and fly away to the Tandang fort, where she can thrive with her fellow Matsingaling?
5. Yay, the inevitable demise of a self-admitted loser!
Katie's weeks of confessionals amounted to "I got nothing," so when her tribe sent her packing, I had to applaud the integrity of everyone involved. Which upsets me, actually, because millionaire homophobe Jeff has no integrity, so what exactly was I applauding? A void, guys. A void. Katie added nothing to the game but exhaustion and futile head-shaking, so I'm excited that the level of inter-tribe competitiveness on Kalabaw will remain high. Thanks for playing, dear, but it's time for the real, hardcore, slurry-as-hell combatants to duke it out for a million.
What'd you think? Another fine episode? Did the muddiness do it for you?
