For many, Christmas is a time of joy and peace… when family and friends come together to celebrate the spirit of the season with the people they love and wish goodwill on all mankind.
For others, it's that special time of year where we buy wine in bulk and use it (not terribly judiciously) to inoculate ourselves against the inevitable aggravation that occurs when dysfunctional people are forced to gather together because the calendar says so.
For all those in the latter category, allow me to present the Misfits Christmas episode (also our season finale). Because no matter how bad your holidays get, it will be difficult to surpass the sheer twistedness of the one experienced by the ASBO Five.
It's three months after the group has finished their community service, racking up quite the impressive body count in the process. And throughout the concrete jungle, the stone tenements of Thamesmeade, we catch up with the gang and their lives.
Kelly isn't terribly far from her duties in community service - cleaning up trash from the streets and cursing out passersby's… Nathan is busy being the worst flyer-distributing Santa Claus in the history of flyer-distributing Santa's'… Curtis and Nikki are adding to their menagerie of weird places to have sex; this time in a bathroom stall… and Simon is free-running on (and free-falling off) various rooftops, miserably trying to learn how to become his Dark Riding future self.
As this is going on, Alisha casually walks to work when she comes upon a graffiti'd sign reading: "CASH PAID FOR POWERS".
And she's quite interested in that.
Back at the community center, we meet Elliot.
He's a priest… with no parishioners whatsoever. No one's coming to hear his speak. No one's coming to fill his collection box. He might as well be mopping the floors.
He grabs his coat and walks out. Two women he's obviously attracted to walk right past him, laughing as they catch him checking them out. Elliot, dispirited by the absurdity of sermonizing to no one, not to mention all the sacrificing of sins of the flesh that he's had to do, angrily chucks his priest collar to the ground.
At the end of the day, the ASBO Five meet up at a pub where Curtis and Alisha have taken up employment and the rest of the gang feels free to poach free pints.
Alisha tends to the injuries sustained by her new boyfriend… Simon. Yes, they are now officially dating. She's concerned by all the scars and bruises on Simon's face and worries that she'll be pushing him in a wheelchair if he's not more careful. Simon patiently explains that he has to learn this stuff somehow.
Nathan, meanwhile, is completely dismayed by Simon's good fortune.
"How did it go so right for you?" he asks. "You end up with a cool flat, a beautiful girlfriend… I think I liked it better when you suffered from a crippling shyness."
Nikki storms into the bar, upset with having teleported in the middle of her love-making session with Curtis. She's even more upset that she had to walk all the way back just to retrieve the underwear she left behind. Of course, Nathan tries to steal a look but is caught in Nikki's withering glare.
Later, Nathan returns to the community center nest he's been living in and meets a smoking young and single pregnant woman named Marnie. And by smoking, I mean she's literally about to light up a cigarette. How John Waters of her.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." he admonishes. "That's how babies get turned into dwarves."
"I like dwarves." she replies.
They hit it off, immediately. This means they begin shagging immediately… which proves to be tricky when one of them is nine months pregnant and the other is wearing a fake Santa belly. Ah, young love.
Nightfall hits the town. Under the cover of darkness, Alisha arrives at a spray-painted iron door and knocks.
"I'm here about my power" she says to the unseen person on the other side. The door opens and a hardly menacing Bodyguard leads her to a stylish office where she meets a man called Seth, the mysterious dealer who wants to purchase her ability.
Alisha explains that she wants to be rid of her knack of rendering men horned-up sex slaves (I think she should sell it to me. I would righteously and immediately abuse that power with a certain someone who's name begins with Daniel and ends with Craig).
Seth asks how much she wants for her power.
"I don't want anything." she replies. "I just want it gone."
Seth agrees to the deal, but Alisha begins to have second thoughts, wondering if he'd use the power for himself.
"I can't use the powers while I'm holding them." he tells her. He also mentions that what he ultimately does with them isn't her concern.
Seth takes her hand in his. Upon touch, her hand glows Quantum-Leap(ish) white as the power transfers from her body to his.
As she leaves Seth's office, joy and relief flooding her face, Alisha passes by another who's come to seek services from Seth… a disillusioned priest we know as Elliot.
Back at the Loft, Simon is busily decorates their Christmas tree when Alisha arrives home. She immediately walks towards him, barely able to contain herself.
"I don't want you to freak out." she says.
Before he can ask why, Alisha strokes his cheek.
Simon jumps back, startled… then realizes that her touch did nothing to affect him. Alisha tells him about Seth and his ability to take her powers. He wonders what this Seth person will do with her power but it's clear that she's not interested.
"I want to be able to touch you." she tells him. "I want it to be like it was."
Simon's concern melts away as they melt into each other. They peel away their inhibitions, their clothing and…
…suddenly we're post coital. And it's as clear as day that a good time was had by NOBODY. Simon has, in football parlance, fumbled the ball in the end zone and grieves over the fact that his future self was much better than he currently is. Alisha tries to assuage his insecurity but it's no use.
"You'll always him more than you love me." he tells her.
Dear Reader, It is at this point that I must, in good conscience, implore you to click the LogoTV.com link found at the end of this recap. For this scene, as sad and tender as it is, briefly displays Simon's, um, backside in it's full, unpixilated glory. You may thank me later.
The next morning finds Elliot staring out at the river. After a breath, he steps out and begins walking on water. A crowd has gathered to watch this amazing feat. When a freaked-out witness asks how he's managing to do this and Elliot responds:
"I'm Jesus Christ. And I have been reborn."
Meanwhile, Nathan makes a commitment to Marnie to be there to support her and her unborn child. She's a bit dubious considering Nathan makes other poor people look wealthy in comparison.
Simon finds them just before they're about to shag again. He tells him about Alisha giving her powers away and how their able to touch. Then Simon does the unthinkable… he asks Nathan for sex advice. He gives him a tip; something about menthol drops and due south. I admit that I may have expunged the rest of this scene from my brain.
Next thing you know, Nathan is walking into Seth's office, ready to make a deal.
A crowd has gathered outdoors, listening fervently as Jesus Elliot Christ preaches. A dim, dangerous looking Hood approaches a woman holding J.E.C's donations (which is a good pile of dough) and pulls a gun, demanding the pot.
Jesus Elliot Christ tells him that stealing is a sin (especially when its stealing from him). The Hood turns his gun on him. Jesus Elliot holds out his hand and levitates the gun from Hood's grip and into his own.
The crowd, amazed, rushes to donate more. The Hood stares, agape and converted to doing the Lord's work.
At the pub, Kelly, Curtis and Nikki marvel at their ability to touch Alisha. They discuss selling their powers to the power-broker, thereby ridding themselves of the havoc their talents cause in their lives.
Later, Alisha is waiting for the others to emerge from their meeting with Seth when Simon appears, heatedly wondering why the hell the others are selling off their powers.
Kelly, Curtis and Nikki emerge to tell him about twenty-thousand reasons why. Apiece.
So dazzled by the cash in their hands, they ignore Simon's dire prediction foretold to him by the storyline in Superman II.
The three of them walk off, leaving Simon alone with Alisha. Simon tries to explain that his power is a part of him but Alisha, so desperate for them to be a normal couple, tells him that Future Simon told her they would do this… should do this. Simon, heart heavy and unsure, turns and walks towards Seth's office.
The days pass… We get brief glimpses into the effect this has on everyone.
Kelly has chucked her street cleaning uniform in the bin… Nathan and Marnie are relaxed, enjoying each other's company without worry of money… Nikki surprises Curtis with expensive travel tickets… and Simon capital "S" satisfies Alisha in bed, thanks to Nathan's advice.
And Jesus Elliot Christ visits Seth again, armed with a veritable pile of donation money.
Life is good. But it doesn't last long.
The Hood goes to visit Jesus Elliot Christ, nearly catching him in the act of, uh, sexually healing a female congregant. He turns in his donations to Jesus, who scoffs at the pittance Hood has collected.
Jesus Elliot tells the Hood that if he expects to make it to Heaven, he'll have to bring in more money… even if it means taking it from people. After all, it's not stealing if it's for Christ.
"Go forth into the world and BRING. ME. SOME. MONEY!" Jesus Elliot yells.
The Hood runs off. Jesus Elliot throws the Hood-collected change into his locker, which is bursting at the seams with money.
At the pub, the whole gang has gathered to drink to their good fortune (and flaunt their wares). Suddenly, the Hood barges in, gun in hand. He demands money from the safe. Simon tries to sneak up behind him, but powerless, he's easily spotted. The Hood demands everyone's cash.
Everyone gives up their wallets except Nathan. He stands up to The Hood, refusing to give up the money he's earmarked for Marnie and the baby.
"Go ahead. Shoot me. I'm immortal."
Simon quickly reminds Nathan that he's not... anymore.
Defenseless, Nathan ducks as The Hood fires his gun. The bullet misses Nathan…
…and hits Nikki square in the chest.
The Hood runs off. Despite their best efforts to save her, Nikki dies in Curtis' arms.
Later, a devastated Curtis grieves. He wants his power back so that he can go back in time to save Nikki. Kelly and Nathan decide they want theirs back as well and the three of them head off for Seth's office.
Alisha stays behind, telling Simon that she doesn't her powers back. She can't go back to that life.
It turns out that Seth has sold Curtis' powers already. The others can have their powers back, for forty-thousand dollars. They threaten to beat Seth if he doesn't give them back their abilities, but are forcibly ejected from the office by the hardly menacing looking, but power-affected Bodyguard.
The next morning, Alisha is walking along when she's spotted by Jesus Elliot Christ, who lusts after her upon sight. He follows her. Alisha tells him to f*ck off, but he jumps in front of her, introducing himself as Jesus.
Alisha recognizes him as the man visiting Seth after she left. He's caught. But relentless. Suddenly he touches her, using her old and sold power as a weapon against her. She suddenly can't stop herself from kissing him. She's about to have sex with him when The Hood appears, distraught from having committed murder.
Jesus Elliot lets Alisha go, and she snaps back to her old self.
"You've got my power." she exclaims, revolted.
She looks to The Hood, recognizing him as the guy who robbed the pub and shot Nikki. She collects herself and runs off, past the influence of her former power.
Simon finds Alisha at the Loft, crying. She makes a confession to him… Future Simon never told her they should sell their powers. She made it up so that the two of them could have a normal life. Simon struggles with the news, but comforts her and forgives her.
Alisha then tells Simon about her run-in with Jesus Elliot and the Hood that killed Nikki.
"I think that Jesus guy put him up to it." she explains.
Simon's livid. Dark Rider livid. He stands up and declares that he's "…going to kill Jesus."
"Then I'm going with you." she says.
At the community center, Jesus Elliot's cash cow, err, worship service is in full effect. Nathan and Marnie watch the services from afar, totally bewildered. Simon, Alisha, Kelly and Curtis arrive, explaining to Nathan what Jesus Elliot did.
They hear distinctly sex noises coming from the locker room. They follow the sounds to a sight not so wondrous to behold… Let's just say they catch a woman on her knees, um, praying to Jesus Elliot's altar.
They confront Jesus Elliot about his lies and manipulations. This falls on deaf ears, partially because when he was on the straight and narrow, no one listened to him. And partially because he's still receiving fellatio.
Curtis has had enough and rushes in to attack Elliot. But Elliot teleports out of the locker and into the service, all before Curtis can get a hand on him.
One thing Jesus Elliot forgot to do, however, was shut his cash swollen locker. Simon marvels at all the cash collected inside.
"We need our powers." he exclaims. "We can use this to buy them back."
Together, the gang pry the locker from the wall and start to carry it out. They make it as far as the hallway when Jesus Elliot appears, blocking them.
He demands his money back, but the gang refuses. Jesus Elliot lifts his hands and, like the gun, tries to levitate the locker over to him.
The gang holds tighter to the locker, refusing to let it go. Jesus Elliot exerts more focus and the locker shifts towards him again.
It's a tug-of-war battle. You know what happens when playing tug-of-war and one team is pulling the rope with maximum exertion only for the opposing team to suddenly let the go of the rope?
Jesus Elliot sure as hell knows. The locker slips from the ASBO Five's grip and flies straight towards Jesus Elliot's head, slamming into his skull and killing him instantly. As his body slumps against the wall, a wreath falls, landing on his skull like a crown of thorns.
The congregants pour out, claiming that Jesus has just sacrificed himself for their sins.
"He's not Jesus. He's just got superpowers." Kelly tells one of them.
"Superpowers? You expect me to believe that?"
Suddenly, a puddle of water hits the floor… originating from between Marnie's legs. Her water's broken and there's now a baby on the way.
Frantic and without any help coming, Nathan coaches Marnie through labor, simultaneously naming the gang the baby's Godparents. Finally, the baby is delivered.
"He looks like me", Nathan exclaims proudly as he holds the baby boy for the first time.
Suddenly, Marnie screams. "I think I'm having another one."
Nathan looks and cries out that she's giving birth to an alien. He reaches in, pulls something out and begins to stomp on it, sending blood splatter all over everyone. Kelly (God, I love her) screams at Nathan.
"It's afterbirth, you d*ckhead!"
Later, at Seth's office, Nathan, Simon, Curtis, Alisha and Kelly are now armed with Jesus Elliot's cash and they want to buy back their superpowers.
Kelly asks whether they need the same powers they had before. Alisha's power died with Jesus Elliot, so technically, they can purchase any power they choose.
The deal set, but the specifics of their choices withheld from us viewers, Seth asks which of them wants to be the first to receive their new supernatural abilities. Without any volunteers, it's up to Kelly to, as the kids say nowadays, nut up.
She sits at the table and reaches for Seth's hands. And as they touch, the screen goes white.
As mentioned, this was the end of the second series of Misfits. I sincerely hope you had as much fun watching the show and reading the recaps as I had writing them. I also hope you take my advice and watch the unpixilated version via the link below… because, Damn!
See you next season.
Misfits airs on Logo Thursday nights at 10/9c. The on-air episodes are edited for U.S. television. Want to see the show in its original version? (More cussing/nudity.) Unexpurgated season eps are available for viewing online at LogoTV.com!
