Hey guys, did you know that for centuries Mystic Falls has been home to supernatural creatures, including vampires, werewolves, Doppelgangers, witches and even hybrids? Even hybrids!
We open at Mystic Falls Hospital, where Tyler is asleep, “recuperating” after being shot by Connor the Vampire Hunter. The Disposable Deputy guarding his door is distracted by a noise and immediately abandons his post. He wanders down the hallway until Connor grabs him from behind and chokes him out. The scuffle awakens Tyler.
Dropping Deputy Dumbass, Connor enters Tyler's room, only to find an empty bed. Tyler attacks but the hunter takes him down with a shot to the neck Dexter Morgan-style. Things get a little date rapey as Tyler collapses, paralyzed, on the bed with Connor topping him. I mean on top of him. He extracts some yellowish fluid from Tyler's gum and leaves.
Tyler recovers quickly but by the time he can make it to the hall Connor's gone. Title card!
Connor's back at his Grimm trailer playing with his chemistry set and re-reading the letter from Pastor Young to April. He picks up a couple of files, labeled “Gilbert, Elena” and “Gilbert, Jeremy'. He has designs, and not just on his arm.
At the Salvatore place, Damon opens the front door to see Stefan tinkering with a motorcycle. Damon wonders if it's a midlife crisis but Stefan explains he just wants to help Elena have a little fun. Snarks Damon, “Those who can't do, teach.”
Damon informs Stefan that “the hunter jacked Tyler” (ooh, dirty!) of his “werewolf venom” so the hunter has his personal supply of vampire poison. "Werewolf venom”?! Oh hell no. Saliva would have worked just fine but no, they had to go with “werewolf venom”. Stupid show.
They yammer a bit more about Damon leaving town and how Elena chose Stefan and how Elena fed on Damon before Damon heads out to kill Connor.
Matt and Elena meet up at Mystic Falls High School (Go Timberwolves!) and Matt comments on how weird it is that they're doing this at their old make out spot. Elena guilts again some more before she bites his wrist to feed a little. It's not enough but she's scared she won't be able to stop if she takes any more. Matt's still the only blood she can stomach so I hope he's taking his iron supplements! She puts an enormous bandage on his wrist and he doesn't look at all like a failed suicide attempt with his bandaged wrist and neck.
They hop down from their perch (Elena's boots are supercute) and Matt ponders whether a day at school is the best choice for her. She's all, if I hide at home with Damon it'll totally tip off the hunter and besides it's my senior year and I don't want to miss graduating. First, so she's living at the Salvatore place now? Where's Jeremy living? And second, if I had been a hot 18 year old vampire chick there is no way in Hell I would have stuck around for my senior year of high school.
As they walk through the parking lot Elena spots a flier on her windshield. There's an all-ages curfew in effect.
Tyler arrives home from the hospital with Mayor Carol and is surprised to find a couple of redshirts waiting for him. He assumes they're deputies but a returned Klaus clues him in that they're actually hybrids. Since with Elena turned no new hybrids can be made Klaus is concerned about preserving any who are left, including Tyler. Then may I suggest that guard duty is the wrong answer especially since every previous hybrid guard has fallen prey to Externalized Heart Syndrome?
Klaus is pretty cheesed off about how Tyler helped put him down and chain him in a box. Tyler thinks that Klaus's using him as an “escape hatch” and kissing Caroline makes them even. Klaus snarls, “Not even close” and I gotta say, point Klaus.
Back at school Stefan and Elena grab desks in Alaric's old history classroom and it appears that they will yet again study the Civil War. I get it, we're in Virginia, but there have been one or two other significant events. They're bummed until Rebekah flounces in and starts handing out fliers for her combination housewarming/anti-curfew party.
Rebekah invites Elena to drop by and bury the hatchet. Elena: “It's a pretty enormous hatchet.” I'd have gone with something like “Oh I'll bury it all right. In your neck!” It's not original but it is effective. Elena notes the new address and wonders if Klaus finally kicked her out. Rebekah says it was her choice to leave. Elena bitchily marvels that Rebekah walked out on the one person who gave a rat's ass about her. Rebekah ripostes with “I slept with your boyfriend. A lot.”
Stefan foolishly wades into it, asking why Rebekah is still there. She namechecks Alaric and a furious Elena tries to impale her on a pencil. Rebekah catches it and hurls it into Elena's shoulder, absolutely wrecking Elena's back to school sweater.
Elena bolts with Stefan on her heels and rants about how her hatred for Rebekah is making flames...flames on the side of her face. She cuts herself off abruptly when she spots Connor making contact with Jeremy. She moves in but Stefan points out that bloodstained hands is not a good look for her and takes it himself.
Elena cleans up in the girls' room and another student enters, saying Rebekah sent her. Elena says, “I'm fine, Heather” (!) and Heather replies “I'm not” and Elena notices she's suffering from a touch of Neck Rupture.
Rebekah enters and taunts Elena with some sweet sweet Heather juice. Elena demands to know why Rebekah won't leave Elena to her school and her life. Rebekah says that they're her school and life now so maybe it's Elena who shouldn't be there and oh by the way, I heard about the hunter so have a face full of blood. Elena vamps out. Rebekah exits on a line about dodgeball day in gym class which is supposed to be menacing. It's not. Not a bit.
In an empty classroom Jeremy wants to know who Connor is. Connor explains that he's researched Jeremy's family. Jeremy's all, are you a social worker and Connor's all, no I'm a vampire hunter which you can tell from this tattoo that only you can see. Jeremy's all, gurr, you cray cray and Connor's all only hunters or potential hunters can see my hunter's mark and really? First (sigh) “werewolf venom” and now “hunter's mark”? Have the writers been smoking the vervain again?
Connor tells Jeremy to find himself a vampire and he'll teach Jeremy all about it, and suggests he ask his friend with the bandage (Matt) about finding one.
Damon enters the Grimm trailer. This confuses me. I had thought that Connor lived in the Grimm trailer so Damon shouldn't have been able to enter. So maybe he doesn't live in it, or maybe mobile homes are a grey area like hotels. Anyway.
Damon gets about two steps in before a booby trap springs an arrow through him. An arrow attached to a wire. A wire attached to a bomb. Damon: “Hmm. Um. Yeah.”
Elena's pacing in circles in the school parking lot, balling her tiny fists and griping to Stefan and Caroline about how very murderous she is. Stefan suggests leaving the murdering to Damon. Elena replies, “And do what? Ignore her to death?” I've been trying to ignore Rebekah for two seasons and the bitch ain't dead yet.
Sefan's all she's just trying to make herself feel better because everybody hates her and she has no one and I do not care about Rebekah and her issues. He suggests they do Senior Ditch Day early and try to have some fun. Elena agrees and then decides what'll really fix Rebekah is to go to her party. She takes off to change clothes. Caroline asks Stefan if he thinks Elena seems a little off and we talk about her heightened emotions again some more. Caroline's impressed by Stefan's insights into teen vampire girl angst. “You should write a book. Go on The View.”
Tyler's bored at home until a new hot chick walks in. Great work, bodyguards. This is Hayley and she is played by the best thing to come out of The Secret Circle, Phoebe Tonkin. And then she calls Tyler “Lockwoof” and burns through about 90% of my goodwill for her.
We learn that she's who helped Tyler break his sire-bond to Klaus, in part by “chain[ing him] up all over the Appalachians”. She flirt-scolds him for not giving her his real backstory but he explains that it was for her protection since werewolves weren't safe around Klaus.
Doctor Horrible Fell arrives at the Grimm trailer, summoned by Damon's call. “Tell me that is not a bomb,” she whisper-whines. “OK, it's a kitten. It's an adorable exploding kitten.” He needs her to cut out the arrow and while she hacks at him with a hunting knife they discuss Pastor Young's letter. They also banter about Damon and Stefan's relationship and it's clear that we're being set up for a Damon/Meredith pairing and I will not have it!
Back at school Rebekah sidles up to Matt and is all contrite about running him off the road but justifies it as self-defense/revenge. Matt has no words for her and stalks off, only to be buttonholed by Connor. Connor rips off Matt's wrist bandage, exposing the obvious vampire bite. Connor roughs Matt up and pulls a knife, demanding the name of the school bloodsucker. Matt wisely gives up Rebekah and Connor knocks him out.
Damon walks in on Elena searching his room. She claims she's searching for booze for Rebekah's party so Damon sends her to his underwear drawer. Finally Elena got into his pants. He busts her that he knows she's looking for the superstake and chides her for believing he'd hide it somewhere so obvious.
Elena notices Damon's bloody shirt and he tells her it's hunter-related. She relays that the hunter was at her school and he replies that Jeremy told him. She warns him to keep Jeremy out of this as Damon slips off his shirt and undoes his belt. Elena can't help but sneak a peek downstairs. Damon asks, “Are you staying for the show?” and undoes the top button of his fly. Elena, flustered, leaves.
Outside the Grimm trailer Connor is carving a symbol into a stake as Jeremy approaches. He points Connor at Doctor Horrible, suggesting that since she uses vampire blood she must have a supplier. This leads Connor into a full-on rant about The Mouse, I mean Vampire Problem culminating in disgust at the notion of Rebekah's party. Jeremy asks if they're going there but Connor's taking him to the hospital, claiming that any vampire at the party will be dead by sunset. I'm thinking keg spiked with (sigh) “werewolf venom”.
The party's in full swing at Rebekah's new digs when Stefan and Elena arrive. Stefan warns her not to fixate on Becky. He compels a passing kid to give up his beer and hands it to Elena. Jesus, Stefan, it's not like there's a cover. Elena's about to sip the obviously tainted brew when she spots April at the party the day after her only known relative's memorial service.
Caroline shows up at Tyler's and pipes the new hybrids. Tyler breaks the news that Klaus is in the Haus. Speaking of, Klaus meets Hayley and, upon overhearing Tyler gently insist that he and Caroline go to Rebekah's party, susses that Tyler and Hayley totally did it.
Elena says hey to April and hands her the tainted brew. April slurps it down. Atta girl.
Elena asks how she's coping and April doesn't believe her dad, who smelled cigarette smoke on her clothes before she even unpacked from a trip home from boarding school, wouldn't have detected a gas leak. Combined with the shooting, April's convinced, as Rebekah suddenly appears and quotes, “something wicked this way comes.” Elena shoos April off and when she's gone accuses Rebekah of blowing up the Council. Rebekah's all how very dare you come to my house and accuse me and then drink my beer. She snatches Elena's cup and takes a sip while Elena starts to sizzle. Rebekah's also snagged Elena's daylight ring and, as Elena cowers from the sun, Rebekah tosses Elena's ring into the garbage disposal and hits the button. Paging Miss Bennet...Miss Claire Bennet!
Elena retrieves the ring and in her blind rage grabs the superstake (that Damon reluctantly gave her in defiance of most of the logic). Stefan stake blocks her and suggests that while she will feel good for a few seconds, she'll also be killing every vampire in Rebekah's blood line. Not seeing the downside.
Stefan blathers about rage for a minute and then he and Elena decide to ride his motorcycle. Rebekah taunts her again some more on the way out and Elena does a tainted keg stand. Atta girl.
The couple departs as Rebekah starts feeling the effects of the (sigh) “werewolf venom”.
Has it been established before now that (sigh) “werewolf venom” can kill an Original? I thought the reason Mama Original Witch made them vampires in the first place was so that they would be safe from werewolves. It makes that whole superstake drama kind of irrelevant if all they'd had to do last season was aim some lycanthropes at Klaus and company.
Tyler goes looking for Hayley but finds Klaus instead, who informs him that he had Hayley make a discreet exit so Caroline wouldn't see. Klaus lays out his sexy sexy theory that Taylor and Hayley totally did it in the woods until a call from Damon interrupts him. Klaus and Damon decide to go hunter hunting together.
Stefan and Elena ride his motorcycle through the country and Elena does stunts. It's boring and it feels like a cut at Bella riding a chopper in Twilight so we shall speak no more of it.
Doctor Horrible walks down a hospital corridor with a NOT AT ALL CONSPICUOUS BANDAGE ON HER NECK. She ducks into a store room with Connor and Jeremy in pursuit. This is not in any way a completely obvious trap.
Connor enters the store room only to be confronted by Damon. Connor pulls his weapon but drops it when he's hit by an arrow. He's still reaching when a second arrow hits. Ooh, double penetration!
The arrows are both attached to wires. Wires attached to bombs. As he flops like a gaffed fish, Klaus says howdy.
Elena and Stefan are hot and heavy on a bed but Stefan's shirt stays on so who cares. Suddenly Stefan is Damon and Elena shoves him off and he's turned back to Stefan. She's suffering the effects of the (sigh) “werewolf venom”.
Rebekah has a delusion that she rips Matt's heart out. Next!
Back at the torture store room Damon and Klaus interrogate Connor. And by “interrogate” I mean “get him to reveal nothing while spilling that Jeremy is working with them when Damon mentions the invisible tattoo”. Klaus gazes deeply into Connor's eyes and intones, “There's more to you than meets the eye, isn't there?” He's a Transformer?! Connor tries to stake him but Klaus stake blocks and disarms him (almost literally; it sounded like a bone snapped). “I'm faster than your average vampire.”
Klaus examines the stake and quietly freaks when he sees the symbol carved in it. “You're one of the Five.” Marlon or Tito? While he's wigging Connor grips the wires. “I'm faster than your average hunter.” He triggers the bombs and Damon leaps to safety as the room explodes.
Elena is weakening and hallucinates Damon again. She wonders why and halluci-Damon says it's because she's a vampire and a lot more like him than Stefan. Klaus arrives and bitches at Stefan for leaving too many voice mails. It's hilarious that these sworn enemies all have each others' digits.
Stefan asks Klaus to save Elena and after they chest-thump for a bit Klaus bites his wrist. As Elena feeds Klaus exposits that up until a short time ago he wouldn't have cared if Elena lived or died but now he believes she can be of use to him.
Rebekah's lying down when April comes in on garbage patrol. The Sheriff's Department broke up the party. Rebekah wonders why April's hanging around and April tells her that picking up trash beats obsessing about her dead relatives. Rebekah's heart grows three sizes that day and she offers to help April find out what really happened at Vampire Gitmo.
Mayor Carol and Damon are post-gaming the hunter situation. She cancels the curfew and calls it a night. Down the hall Jeremy is doing a bit of a victory dance which Damon rightly mocks and then Doctor Horrible upbraids Damon for blowing stuff up because it might disturb the patients. I award that point to Doctor Horrible. She tells him she won't be his “partner in vampire crime”, which, shut up, and then more groundwork for their inevitably awful hookup is laid when she worries that he'll end up alone.
Caroline and Stefan have a really sweet conversation about how awesome Caroline is and how fragile Stefan still is and they promise to be sober buddies. When this show ends can we please spin-off The Caroline Diaries?
Matt drops by and she blathers about her damn heightened emotions again and then she sucks his wrist.
She loses control and Damon gets her away from Matt. Damon compels Matt to forget it and go home, then he promises to teach her how to be a better vampire.
Connor awakens in the Grimm trailer to find Klaus looming over him. Connor realizes that Klaus saved him from the explosion (which makes the “faster than your average hunter” line pretty stupid) and wonders why, and what Klaus meant about “the Five”. Klaus realizes that Connor doesn't know his own history and tells him that he's now under Klaus's protection.
Pretty strong episode. A little too much time on the emotions for my taste, but that's mostly because the emotional stuff is retracing lines we've already seen. Plot-wise the Five seem to be moving into position as the Big Bad for the season. If I were to venture a guess I would guess that since there were five Original Vampires that the Five exist as their direct opposites. I'm assuming we'll meet some or all of the other Five this season, and I hope there will be some exploration of what effect the death of one Original will have on them.
Next week: Elena's first college party! Corn Nuts!
