Oh, yes. Sweet yes. Survivor jumped to the merge this week, brought together a heap of disagreeable, aloof players, and forced them into a prickly, weird-ass tribal council that left everyone looking pretty stupid. This? This is my heaven. Wednesday's episode was undoubtedly the most entertaining of the season, and I'm not just saying that because one of my least favorite people was banished (along with her cream-colored pantsuit from an abandoned Talbot's outlet). It wasn't just that. But it was a lot that.
Plus, plenty our favorite players kept being great. And a couple of beleaguered contestants outsmarted some heavy-hitters and earned our respect. Let's reinspect the episode's greatest hits.
Can I still be gay and marry the hell out of Denise?
The hardest-working, hardest-losing contestant on Survivor maneuvered her sinew in a winning fashion this week, destroying her competitors in an immunity challenge that amounted to the following dare: "Can you haul 1/4 of your body weight while Jeff makes derogatory comments about your wrist strength?" One man and one woman would win immunity, and I'm ashamed to admit I didn't know who had the advantage as the challenge started. I mean, is it easier to haul your body weight if you have beefy arms and a beefy body? Do the skeletal folks have an edge? Does playing Blair Warner for nine seasons give you an edge?
Well, turns out folks like Denise have the edge thanks to a seven-pound frame and electric veins. The Midwestern sex therapist handily outplayed Lisa, Abi-Maria, and R.C. to earn the prize, and thank God, because the woman needed a break. She's seen more ugly evictions than the landlords of 666 Park Avenue. She's so effing lovable that I'm sure her doomsday is soon upon us, but for now, she's the righteous victor. Malcolm, you make sure she's in my final three. Use your muscles to achieve this.
Penner knows the Blair necessities.
I was waiting for this. It finally dawned on me last week that more than one person in the game has to recognize Lisa Whelchel. If you turned on a TV at any point in the 1980s, you know who Lisa Whelchel is. If you're over 40 and under 60, you know who Lisa Whelchel is. If you're a CHILD OF GOD, you know who Lisa Whelchel is. (Sorry, Lisa told me to say that one.) Thankfully Penner cornered Lisa during a swim this week and asked her, "Does anybody recognize you?" before following up with, "They're all too young!" Which is true. But they also might be too stupid. You could show Carter a slideshow of Facts of Life episodes, and he'd just sit there catatonic and drooping like a plush Huckleberry Hound toy. It appears that Penner won't share his knowledge with the other cast members, but plenty of them have to know, right? Denise, tell me you're with me on this.
Also: I kind of loved when Lisa discovered Malcolm's immunity idol in his laundry. It was her first official move of the competition, and it was a total accident. Brilliantly accidental. She's like Peter Sellers in Being There, just whimsically gaining power through no plan of her own.
Now I'm accidentally rooting for Penner.
How glorious was Penner's usage of the immunity idol in the eleventh hour? I know it's the show's editing that tricked me into believing he wasn't on to his scheming competitors, but still, what a canny play. I know that Jeff and Carter and the boneheads have prepared for this and intend to vote him out next week, but maybe Penner will rally. All I can say I like his intuition. I like his attitude in the confessionals. I like that when he opens his mouth, I don't fear that a hundred strands of idiocy will fall out. Frankly, he deserved to realize he was about to be blindsided based solely on Jeff and Carter's reactions when he interrupted their conversation. Jeff and Carter essentially responded to arrival by looking away and whistling. Terrible bluffing. And speaking of terrible...
Jeff Kent cares about RUHSPECTIN' BASEBALL, YUH DUMB HOMOS.
Jeff is pretty sure that no one recognizes him from his baseball heroism, but he thinks if anybody does, that person better "respect baseball." This man is all about respect. Consummate respect. Manly respect. The kind of respect where you donate $10,000 to make sure gay people don't get married.
Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecile. I hope the ghost of Abner Doubleday appears on the island, hands everyone a rainbow flag, and dropkicks you somewhere. This is my LGBT fantasy revenge version of Field of Dreams. Except I hope Jeff also gets to experience the actual choking-on-a-hot-dog scene from the real movie. Freak. But anyway: GO BASEBALL.
R.C. was D.O.A.
Her empty effervescence bothered me the minute she appeared onscreen, but now that RC's gone (with four votes, well behind Penner's total), I might have to admit that she deserved another week or two of amnesty. She's kind of tolerable. Or at least not as weirdly worthless as Abi-Maria. As long as R.C never wears that Eastern Bloc secretary suit again (see below), I'll slightly regret having hated on her so hard. In a certain light she looks like Lady Gaga. Or Laura Nyro. Which reminds me: Lady Gaga should play Laura Nyro in a biopic. See, this is why you read my Survivor recaps. For casting advice regarding dead lesbian songwriters.
