I suppose it's only natural that because last week's Survivor was utter chaos, this week would be devoted to sanity and reorientation. Lisa stopped spilling her schemes, Penner stopped philosophizing about his inevitable demise, immunity idols stayed safely tucked away, Denise and Malcolm remained confidently awesome, and Abi-Maria's obvious insanity stayed obviously insane, but not as loud. Good! Good. We needed all that.
And oh yeah, homophobic baseball emperor Jeff is still eliminated. Good riddance again, creep!
Let's retrace and figure out exactly what ruled about this episode -- including the bizarre but interesting conclusion, which is ultimately better for me (and probably you, too) in the long run.
Lisa comes to Jesus. Again.
Now, I said Lisa stopped spilling her various schemes like she did during tribal council last week, but that doesn't mean her emotional outpouring was complete. Unfortunately, we saw a return of the overwhelmed, second-guessing Lisa this week, the one who felt like a loner and an alien and sat around wondering if Jeff Probst's Terror Camp Million Dollar Giveaway Game Show was right for her soul. Oh, Lisa. Survivor is right for no one's soul! That's the point. So be soulless! I'm not suggesting you devolve into Lady MacBeth and whisper your horrifying ambitions into malleable Skupin's ear, but there's honestly no reason to feel guilty about decidedly bold gameplay tactics on Survivor. I cringed when Penner approached Lisa, saw that she was vulnerable and confused following tribal council, and purred to her about remaining confident, not worrying about what other people think, and basically encouraging her to be Blair Warner-ier. You'd think I'd enjoy this, but the look of utter surrender in Lisa's eyes looked more like a brainwashing than a renaissance. Scary. Maybe next week Penner can shove her in a closet and rename her Tania for the remainder of the competition.
(Doesn't Lisa look like how you imagine Vanna White when she goes back home to Myrtle Beach? That's my great theory.)
Malcolm is wonderful with children. Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.
After a pushover of a reward challenge, Malcolm, Denise, Carter, and Penner were granted the chance to hang out with local families, play pinata-esque games, and explain that Americans always walk around with camera crews. It was so fun that Carter even arranged his surgically perfected frown into a happy shape for the children. Denise passed out hula hoops to infants. Penner launched into a comic monologue about his name Jonathan, and how it's normal in the U.S. Yuk! But best of all, beautiful bad-ass Malcolm connected with some kids and told us he'd spent a year teaching elementary school in Micronesia. "This means so much more to me than pouring drinks for girls in bars," he told us. Swoon. Malcolm, you are Margaret Mead + gnarly horny fire + a saint. I want you to teach me elementary hotness on an island somewhere. But I also want you to pour drinks for me because I suspect it is one of your great talents.
Scoopin' Skupinis kiiiiinda my man
You have to love when the (presumed) useless players rally and do something right. Not only did Skupin win the immunity challenge, he was the only person who began to master the trick of the immunity game. Each player held out a paddle with six rivets on it; the goal was to roll ping-pong-size balls onto the paddle, collect seven balls in seven rivets without dropping the paddle or any of the balancing balls. Guess who looked like an idiot attempting this activity? Everyone except Skupin. Even Pete, who kinda-sorta began to understand the balancing act, botched it hard and started moaning like an old robot halfway through the game. Did I mention that I like Skupin? It goes back to when he identified Lisa in the first minutes of the game and cooed to America about how famous and wonderful her hair was, I think. Is he this season's true dark horse? I'm sort of titillated to find out.
Have we all realized that Denise's victory is the only really desirable outcome of this season?
Even though I'm having a good time watching Lisa Whelchel vacillate between embracing and denying her humanity, and even though Skupin understands The Facts of Life, I truly think Denise's victory is the one way we can be sure this season will end on a high-note. Sure, Malcolm is my sexual hero and Penner's soul-searching confessionals would make decent Jason Mraz lyrics, but Denise just has the gravitas, energy, and perfect attitude for the game. She's practical and smart without being monstrous, and she's the closest thing Survivor has ever had to Ellen Ripley. Mother of God, yes. This also means I'm ready for Denise to star in a Cedar Rapids-set remake of Working Girl. Let the (Iowa) River run, girl.
Artis. You were... a human, I think?
Naturally I didn't care one way or the other whether Artis stuck around for one or five more weeks considering he was such a nonentity in the game, but I have to say I'm happy with his early departure. We're entering the part of the season where we're figuring out which unnecessary pawn will advance to the Top 3, and based on insanity alone, I want that person to be the infuriating Abi-Maria, not Artis. At least Abi-Maria has the divine ability to generate fury over literally nothing. Artis just has exasperation and sulky posture. That's not entertaining enough for my famous needs, and my needs involve tantrums in a Bjork voice, which Abi-Maria is willing to provide. So, goodbye, Artis: Your farewell monologue was sweet and diplomatic, and that makes you the first jury member I don't want to throw a raccoon at. You're the true winner.
