Previously on Teen Wolf, Nikon Matt had this really clever idea that the best way to keep himself from getting arrested for ten counts of homicide was to go to the police station and kill all of the people. But supervillians like their murder with a side of menace, so he also took great pleasure in revealing Scott's wolfishness to his mom, revealing his own personal psycho stalkerness to Allison, and revealing to the whole world that Stiles and Derek mostly just want to cuddle up like bunnies and talk about their feelings. Allison, still mourning the way her mom stabbed herself in the heart with a kitchen knife, decided to give Scott the cold shoulder and also to kill Derek and his baby wolves. The Silver Hand vs. Halepack fisticuffs inside the station didn't result in any casualties, but Grandpa Gerard, who was just sitting out on the hood of his car listening to Lionel Richie and sharpening his tiny pocket knife, followed Nikon Matt when he tried to escape, and drowned him in the river. Jackson Kamina pledged his allegiance to Grandpa Gerard and then went for a lovely midnight river swim.
For the first time ever, Teen Wolf has given its characters a respite between episodes. Maybe even a whole week has passed since the slaughter went down at the jailhouse. So Stiles has finally had some time to think, which maybe wasn't the best thing for him to be doing, as evidenced by the fact that it has driven him to chewing on his lacrosse stick. It has also driven him to the school counselor for a beautifully filmed bit of exposition — in which the camera keeps getting closer and closer to Stiles' face like it wants to kiss him on the mouth — that lets us know what happened after last week's bloodbath.
For starters, Sheriff Stilenski got his badge back because he's the only police officer still alive in Beacon Hills. But even so, he's being kind of standoffish with Stiles. Scott's mom, too, is feeling kind of weird about her kid. Allison is also acting odd, wearing body armor to school and carrying a crossbow instead of a backpack and hissing like a wildcat every time anyone tries to speak to her. In fact, the only person in Stiles' life who is behaving like a regular person is Lydia, but she resurrected a zombie werewolf just a couple of days ago, and even God needed a break every once in awhile.
Stiles is like, "To tell you the truth, Ms. Morrell, I get the feeling I'm going to die pretty soon in really grizzly way." Having never seen an episode of Teen Wolf, Ms. Morrell goes, "Why would you say such a thing?" She advises him to take up the banner of Winston Churchill and make lemonade from lemons — in hell.
The important thing to take away from this scene is the knowledge that the camera could crawl inside Dylan O'Brien's nostril and, even from that angle, his face would still be perfect.
Scott's got problems, too, but he's decided to deal with the nakedly.
He emerges from the shower to find the Kanima dangling his mom from the ceiling and Grandpa Gerard sitting in a chair flipping through one of those Shakespeare Quote of the Day calendars. Grandpa Gerard explains that his whole crooked deal has basically been about avenging crazy Kate, and that Scott had better deliver Derek to him real soon, or else his mom's going to get a lizard in her gizzard.
Derek's not having much more luck with life. No matter how many dusty books he opens and closes and throws around, he just can't find any answers about how BB Wolf returned from the dead, or what the hell Jackson's deal is, or why it feels like his heart has been poisoned just because he hasn't seen Stiles in a week. Boyd and Erica make his headache worse when they drop by to tell him they've decided to leave the lair. In fact, they heard a whole pack of wolves singing a song to the moon just last night, their howls so happy there's no way they live in an abandoned subway station. Derek roles his eyes and says, "Guess you've never heard of the beau geste effect, huh? Modulated wolf howls? Tone-shifting dynamo enhancers? Bark baiters? Snarl snoofers? Yip yonkers?" This Seussical gibberish is all the proof Erica and Boyd need to gather their things and hit the road.
At Dr. Deaton's Animal Hospital and Mythical Monster Rest Home, Isaac pays a visit to Scott. He's feeling pretty bad about all the carnage lately, and he's wondering if Scott's got any advice for how not to be an asshole. And of course Scott does. Their first lesson involves Isaac laying hands on a dying dog and taking away his pain, so the dog can find the strength to fight for his life. "You can rip teenagers to shreds, if you want," Scott says, "But you can also smell cancer and heal wounded puppies. You have to decide what kind of wolf you're going to be, bro." (I kind of got teary when Isaac's face lit up like Christmas when he realized he can do some real good in the world, but I don't trust my emotions right now because the Olympics have me humming along at an eleven on the Emotional Richter Scale, and even for a lesbian, that's a lot of feelings.)
It's lacrosse championship time! What kind of championship? Who knows! Who cares! The point is: Danny's back! Hi, Danny!
Danny is for real worried about his best friend. They flirt about how everyone knows Jackson is perfect, but then Danny gets serious about how Jackson isn't returning is text messages, and the first time Jackson missed their weekly mani/pedi/facial night, it just hurt his feelings, but now Jackson's got actual scales on his body, probably from not exfoliating properly, and it's time for an intervention. For a hot second, Jackson remembers that he has actually loved two people in his life and one of them is Danny. He goes, "Look, dude, if I come running at you tonight in the shape of a giant lizard, you should run the other way, and fast, OK?" Their momentary bonding is cut short by Coach Finnstock, who does a whole bit from Independence Day.
Grandpa Gerard interrupts the hullabaloo to deliver this pep talk to the lacrosse team: "I may have only become your principal after your other principal was sizzled to death by a lightning stick, but I love manslaughter just as much as the next sports fan — so, go out there and kill them! Literally!"
Stiles has never played in a lacrosse game in his life, but tonight is the night! One of the team's co-captains is a barbaric reptilian humanoid, the other co-captain is failing every single one of his classes, Isaac is off on a kitten cancer-curing mission, and Matt has gone to the great swimming pool in the sky. So, Stiles is up! Every sequence of him playing is the greatest thing: balls bouncing off his helmet, players chasing him with an actual stampede noise in the background, and his face the whole time, just like a beagle puppy with a tennis ball. Terrified. Delighted. Precious in the very best way.
Grandpa Gerard does some telepathy on Scott, like, "If you don't present Derek to me by the time the final buzzer sounds, it's going to be a massacre up in here!" And then he clutches at his ubiquitous pill box like Ron Weasley with Scabbers the rat. Scott is beginning to think all hope is lost, but then Isaac shows up and agrees to get in the game to beat up all his teammates so the coach will have no choice but to put Scott in the game and so then Scott can stop Jackson from slashing everyone to bits. As far as plans go, it's one of Team Wolf's dumbest. Grandpa Gerard cottons on to the boys' shenanigans speedy quick and has Jackson paralyze Isaac. Of course, Ms. McCall rushes out onto the field to help him, and while she's out there, she tells Scott she doesn't care if he's a wolf or what, but that Oldy Olderson over there is giving her the heebeegeebees, so maybe Scott should do something about it.
But Grandpa Gearard isn't through being gross. He telepathy-tells Scott that he's ready to "give" Allison to him if he'll hand over Derek.
Where is ol' Allison anyway? Oh, there she is — riding an ATV through the woods with a bow and quiver on her back and a yip yonker in her hand, just like Derek suspected. She lures Boyd and Erica out of the shadows and starts unleashing her fury like the lunatic Gerard always hoped she would be. She shoots and shoots and shoots and shoots the baby werewolves while they cry for mercy, and then her dad intervenes and knocks her bow out of her hand with a bullet. He's like, "You're starting to scare me a little bit, honey." And she's like, "Good. Mom probably made you pee your pants three times a day just by looking at you with her eyeballs."
The second cuckoo-est family in town is also enjoying some bonding, and some wrasslin'. Peter Hale shows up at Derek's to ridicule him for losing his pups, but also to offer his services in an advisory capacity. To prove his worth, he suggests a quick-fix for Jackson: Help him destroy the kanima inside of him by reminding him of his true identity. All they have to do is find out his "Christian name," which I guess is the name his parents gave him before they left him on the doorsteps of the town orphanage, and then have one of the loves of Jackson's life — Lydia or Danny — speak his name to him. So simple, so sentimental, so right. I always knew Lydia and Stiles were the real heroes of this show!
To wit: Back at the lacrosse match, Stiles finds himself in possession of the ball, and even though he runs screeching into the night, as fast as his legs will carrying him away from the defenders, he somehow ends up in front of the other team's goal. Everyone is yelling, "Shoot it! Shoot it! Shoot it!" But only Lydia's voice reaches him. When she shouts, he listens — and he scores! And scores! And scores! His face is so great. Lydia's face is so great. The time ticks off the clock and no one dies, and it is so great!
Except then the lights go out and everyone starts running around and screaming and it reminds me of that scene in the school parking lot last year when Mr. Argent pulled out his pistol and shot that mountain lion. Only this time, the fallen is Jackson, and his wounds are self-inflicted. Jackson as ... Jesus? I did not see that coming. He killed himself so Danny could live? But the biggest surprise of all is that Stiles goes missing in the chaos. Sheriff Stilenski stands in the middle of the field and shouts, "Where's my son!? Where's Stiles'?!?" But no one listens, except for us, because we know who our true lord and savior is, and it is time for us to pray for the fate of his soul.
One episode left! Who do you think the big death is going to be? And how do you think the kanima conundrum will be solved? And what will happen to our beloved Stiles?
