Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
We open on Air Force Three where Susan and Dougie are watching a TV news report on the American rescue of the Chinese sub off the coast of California, then we cut to the White House Situation Room where they’re watching the same but with U.S. Naval commentary because they sprung for the DirectTV Global Rescue Package.
In the hospital, T.J. is in sedation until all the cocaine is out of his system. So, they’re giving him drugs to help him recover from a drug overdose? Odd, isn’t it? (Excuse me while I go mix a vodka and tonic. Still feeling a little fuzzy from those bottomless mimosas at brunch.) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Elaine wants to move T.J. into Casa Barrish so Margaret and Ann need to spruce the place up. Everyone decides to keep the overdose quiet, especially because Dougie says people are already sniffing around asking questions. Elaine orders him to call Susan to help with controlling and spinning media coverage. Margaret offers a supportive comment about her addict grandbaby: “Little shit’s never gonna learn.”
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Later, at Casa Barrish, we see Elaine spinning a story about T.J.’s allergic reaction to antibiotics to Susan, who doesn’t believe a single word. Elaine says to write what they say or else, see. (Think 1930s gangster movie with Jimmy Cagney and Edward G. Robinson.) Susan says nope. Elaine “bribes” her with a national security leak, the Chinese sub, which the public doesn’t know about. Elaine sweetens the honey pot by offering Susan the chance to go on Air Force Three with Doug to San Diego. Girl, if you don’t bite, there are lots of readers over here at AE who will step on your back to board that plane!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Li Bao shows up (not Lee Bob as I thought I heard last week—cleaning the wax out of your ears once in while works wonders!) and he’s mad about the American rescue plans because the Americans will learn ancient Chinese secret—Calgon gets stains out better! Hey China, we just kicked your ass at the Olympics! Get over it! When Elaine wonders why the Chinese president is okay with 100+ of his submariners dying, Li Bao fesses up that Chinese naval intelligence is pulling the strings here and what they say goes, see? (Cue gangster movie flashback cited earlier.) Oh, and the about-to-be deep-fried crew have been ordered to let the radiation from the sub leak into the ocean. Like a Chinese version of hara-kiri. At the newspaper, Alex is stroking a pussy cat pleased with Susan’s exclusive about the Chinese sub but smells more going on with T.J. Susan tries to get out of saying more, but Alex warns he knows something’s fishy.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Strobe Light Special (Flashback) #1—Susan’s story about Elaine standing by Bud after the revelation of one of his affairs is being read by her editor (before Alex). He calls her story “mean” for calling Elaine out on her Tammy Wynette routine and is ready to call her other things, but he kicks her out of his office instead.
White House, The Present. The Cabinet is talking about the threatened leak of Chinese radiation and how damaging it would be. Elaine doesn’t want to stand down in the crisis. Creepy Veep fumbles around and harrumphs like usual. President Stud-cetti backs Elaine, and he asks her to help him write the televised speech he’ll give to the country informing them about the Chinese sub.
At Casa Barrish, Margaret says to Ann: “You’re sure fond of that bathroom.” (Ha!) Margaret and Ann case the place for T.J.’s drugs. Margaret: “I’d be surprised if somewhere in here he hadn’t hidden go-go boys.” Not us! And I hope they find some. Or Gunnar.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
On Air Force Three Susan and Dougie chitchat about what it was like to grow up in the White House; We learn one of the most shocking TV secrets ever: Dougie was a Backstreet Boys fan and someone made a videotape of him dancing to a BSB song while wearing tuxedo shorts. (However I’m picturing a 14-year old acne-ridden Dougie with braces, not the 30-something with great legs and torso we see now.)
Strobe Light Special #2—Susan at the newspaper again. The old editor pops up at her desk and bitches for a moment about her article on Elaine. Then he tells her the story will run on front page and to fasten her seatbelts because it will be a bumpy night. Or her life is about to change forever, yadda yadda yadda.
At the hospital Bud is holding T.J.’s hands, talking to his unconscious son. He notes the hands don’t seem to belong to anyone in their families that he can think of. OMG Bud, what are you saying!? He admits listening in to T.J. playing piano in the East Room at age eight, and after T.J. saw him he ran off skipping down the hallways. Skipping down the hall? And you didn’t figure out then and there you had a gay son? (Eyeroll) He says he used to hide and listen to T.J. play and how much he loved it. “These hands, they’re not my hands T.J., they’re yours.” Recapper sniffs, dabs eyes. (Allergies, dust, take your pick.)
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
At the White House President Stud-cetti wonders if he’s doing the right thing with the Chinese sub, because if it goes wrong, everyone’s gonna hate him. He’s not sure if he should use a line Elaine wrote because it sounds a little too assertive, ”You don’t come spying into our backyard and make threats.” Unless he takes his shirt and pants off. Then it’s okay with us. Elaine says if he succeeds with the speech he’ll be remembered well enough to win re-election. He likes that! The President talks to the nation with the ol’ Teleprompter. He reveals that the Chinese were given orders to destroy their own ship, using Elaine’s words about spying in our backyard to show ‘em he means bizniss.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Over at Casa Barrish, Ann and Margaret are talking about Husband #2, Elaine’s stepfather. Granny wasn’t really into him even though he was a nice guy. Suddenly Annie smells drugs in the seat cushion Margaret’s butt is on! If the decorating thing doesn’t work out, she can always walk on all fours at the Customs area at Dulles, wear a cute vest and eat a bowl of Alpo. Back on Air Force Three, Doug admires Susan’s ability to eat a lot, noting that Ann used to. Doug and Susan begin to argue and it’s like the foreplay arguing they used to do on Moonlighting.
We find Ann in a familiar place--in front of a toilet! But she’s dumping T.J.’s drugs, not purging her breakfast. Margaret notices the contents of one of the bags: “Are those bunnies?” Ann, who’s scarily knowledgeable about her drug symbols, replies, “No, unicorns.” Granny finds some pot (that T.J. was just prepared for anything wasn’t he?) and tells Ann to spark up a fattie, bitch. Ann says no way but our Maggie is a persistent enabler. Margaret waxes poetic about her Vegas days, “We girls would stay up all night, drinking, smoking, sexually experimenting.” Why, Mags! Is there a dental dam in your closet by the Hoover Dam tea cozy?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Back on Air Force Three Doug and Susan are loosening up over wine. They talk more about trying to impress their hard-to-please mamas. There’s an announcement on the loudspeaker: They have to make an emergency stop in Dallas to wait out bad storms. As the Saturday Night Live Church Lady would say, “How conveeeenient!”
Strobe Light Special #3, also at the newspaper. (Heey, I just realized they’re all at the same place! Thanks, writers, for making Timeline Whiplash a little easier to handle this week!) Susan shows her Mama (Blair Brown! From The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd, one of the better, little-watched shows of the 1980s. Someone tell Snicks!) her new office, but she’s underwhelmed. Mama’s also a little annoyed that Elaine was being dissed in print by her daughter. Susan is all pissed off that Mama thinks she’s stabbed the idea of having a career and family in the back. Susan’s ready to go to lunch with her anyway as planned, but Mama’s in a hurry, meeting “Liz” to talk paint samples. Susan’s mad, “You’ve only scheduled me for a half-hour?” Go look at the paint samples, and I’ll get a tuna salad sandwich from the vending machine!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
At the hospital Elaine wonders to Bud why Margaret isn’t there with a flask yet, for all of them. It’s moments like these why I realize why we admire the Hammond-Barrish family values! They bemoan the fact that they spent more time on their political lives than in raising their family. We find out T.J. started “going downhill” in high school. Bud finds out about T.J. and his affair with Congressman Closet Case (Sean), and that Sean was threatened with being outed if he didn’t vote for the bill Stud-cetti supported. Bud asks who was behind the outing and Elaine tells him “A Democrat. One of our own, if you can believe that.” Bud asks who so he “can “accidentally” spill a drink on him at a party. What is this, the Georgetown Junior High Homecoming Dance?
On Air Force Three, draining that wine bottle in a game of “Show me yours,” Susan learns Doug has a Backstreet Boys playlist on his iPod. Dougie sings a little “Backstreet’s back, all right!” Don’t give up your day job, pal. Susan asks if she can tell him a secret, “Drunk secrets is best.” Preaching to the choir, girlfriend! She tells Dougie she got it on with Daniel Meade on the plane. Sober Dougie woulda been making housekeeping (planeskeeping?) wipe everything down. Twice.
Keeping up this week’s high spirits, back at Casa Barrish Granny Margaret and Ann are stonesville. Ann bitches to Margaret about Elaine and her involvement in Dougie’s life, showing us there’s waaay too much resentment there! Good luck loosening up those apron strings Annie! Annie’s on such a tear that Margaret has to remind Ann to share after she hogs the joint: “Will you stop bogarting that thing?”
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Bud shows up in the Oval Office to meet with Stud-cetti & Creepy Veep. He’s told them he has intel. They assume he means the Chinese sub, and they’re all “Thanks anyway, we’re on top of it, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Bud reveals he knows about what went down last Christmas with Sean’s near-outing. Bud to Creepy Veep: “You wouldn’t know honor if it sucked your c*ck and stroked your balls.” Bud exposes to Stud-cetti that Creepy Veep orchestrated the leak about Closet Case Sean being gay. Bud punches out Creepy Veep and there’s a MMA-style rumble, only with their clothes on--Thank God! Stud-cetti breaks it up, but keeps his clothes on, dammit!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
On Air Force Three, we get more drunk secrets: Dougie tells Susan he and Ann were high on Ecstasy when he proposed--and they’ve been planning their wedding for two years! I’ve heard of long engagements, but seriously?! He weally weally loves her though. Two-year engagements say otherwise, Dougie. Pick up any issue of Cosmo. Susan realizes maybe she’s been a little too concerned about her career, no time for love, etc. You know, every plot from a romcom since the 1980s. Doug tells Susan she’s sexy then kisses her. (R’uh oh Shaggy!) Susan knows a bathroom they can use but they go for it on the seats instead.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
T.J. wakes up at the hospital and Elaine’s there. He doesn’t ask for Gunnar though—use ‘em and lose ‘em, eh Teej? He passes out again just as Bud pops up and tells Elaine to go off to the White House Situation Room. Before she leaves she gets all Mama Polar Bear (Grizzly’s taken, I’ve heard) over T.J. with Bud.
On Air Force Three we briefly see sweaty Susan and topless Doug after the lovin’!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Back at Casa Barrish, Margaret gives us another quotable moment: “When most people get high they get the munchies. I get the drunkies, I mean the drinkies.” Have a shot everybody! After eating a little “Turkish Delight” (a gift from Steamroom Willie the Turkish Ambassador), Ann gets ready to purge. Maggie busts Ann for her bulimia because she saw her showgirl sisters do it when she was in Vegas. Ann denies it, but Margaret urges her to tell Doug about this and get help.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
At the White House, we’re full circle back to the rescue mission we were watching in the beginning. Success! The Chinese sub crew sends a message to the surface, “Thanks for not letting us become fried wontons.”
So folks, what did you think of this week's episode?
