Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
G'day JT,
I'm a bi guy who's enjoyed playing in both fields immensely, but I'm getting to the point where I'd like to settle down. I met the most wonderful woman in the world about a year and a half ago and I have every intention of marrying and spending rest of my life with her.
Here's the thing: she has no idea that I'm bisexual, and I don't know if I should tell her. I love her very much and have no interested in being with anyone (male or female) else - my commitment isn't the issue. But I'm afraid that if I tell her that I've slept with other guys it will turn her off. I feel like, in today's society, it's fine (and even a turn-on) for a woman to tell her boyfriend that she's slept with other women in the past. But if a guy were to do the same, the assumption is that he's gay, in the closet and will eventually leave her for another man, or the woman is completely grossed out by the thought of him with another man.
I've always felt that honesty is the best policy, but I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with this girl and I don't want to throw out something that could jeopardize that. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Somewhat Convoluted At Times
There’s something you should know about your lady love, SCAT.
She’s done porn. Like, a lot of porn.
Oh, it was years before she met you. It was never her intention to become an Internet smut maven. She did her first handful of videos because a producer offered her an unbelievable amount of money. After that, she realized she could make more dough in a month than her friends could in a year, and being the savvy businesswoman she is, she reinvented herself as Sandy Beaver, Porn Queen.
After she made some truly decent bank, she retired. She knows there’s nothing wrong with having done porn. And has no plans to do porn again, because she’s so in love with you the thought of anyone else touching her makes her sick. But she also knows how people can be extraordinarily judgmental about this kind of thing, and so she keeps it from you.
You find out after someone happens to recognize her when the two of you are in the grocery store. He's a huge fan, but it's not like that helps. It all comes out, and she’s humiliated. You’re in shock, but worst of all you’re devastated because she didn’t trust you with the truth. How does that make you feel?
PSYCH! OMG JK. Your girlfriend never did any porn.
(Well, maybe a little softcore in college, but I swear that’s it.)
Anyway, the point is that you’re bisexual, and that’s not going to change after you get married. I’m not saying you’re going to be unfaithful to her and embark on a quest to satiate your ravenous hunger for dong, but you’ll still be bisexual, because that’s who you are.
If you’re planning to commit to someone for life, that person deserves to know who you are. That little voice that's telling you "honesty is the best policy" is there for a reason, SCAT. Listen to it.
Oh, and PS - SCAT? Really? You couldn't come up with a better acronym?
Greetings JT,
I'm a single guy who's lived in the rural Deep South all my life. My first, and to date only, relationship was with a guy whom I fell for head-over-heels. He felt the same way. Unfortunately, shortly after we became intimate, we both panicked and ran away. I suspect our mutual, deeply-ingrained, internalized homophobia played a part. Five celibate years later and completely at ease with being out, I've started dating again. I've been on several dates with perfectly nice, attractive guys, but I haven't felt a single spark of chemistry since my first love.
Am I holding on to a juvenile, unrealistic expectation of love? It's rare to find good guys who are comfortable with being out where we live. I'm starting to go a little cuckoo. Should I just settle for a relationship with one of these other guys and see if something stronger builds?
Fervently Awaiting Ideal Thermodynamic Harmony
Here’s one universal rule, FAITH: no love will ever compare to our first love. No kiss will ever compare to our first kiss. No schlong will ever - well, you get the point.
I remember the feeling I had the first time I ever kissed a guy. For years afterwards, I totally chased that feeling, and with each sloppy gay make-out session, that feeling felt further and further away, and it really bummed me out. Then one day it occurred to me that you only get that feeling one time. Once you realize that, you also realize the proper goal is not to recreate those first sensations but rather to forge new ones.
I know it’s a lot harder to find spicy man-love living in a red state, but fortunately you live in the modern age of the Internet, and seeing as how you’ve already been on a few dates, it doesn’t sound like you need help finding guys. What you do need to do is ... well, you're already doing it. Keep going out with guys.
You probably won't find the right guy immediately, but it'll happen. And you'll know it when it does. Don't settle.
Hey JT!
I've been waiting for you to weigh in on the most important new development of our time: new Star Wars movies coming out! Love it? Hate it?
Obi-Wan
Kinda neither, O-W. The force isn't really too strong with me.
I definitely saw all three of the original movies a billion times growing up, because as you all know it's part of the Second Amendment of the Constitution that at least one screen on America has to be playing one of the Star Wars movies at all times. (It's right near that part about guns or whatever.) They're fun movies, but not Gospel to me. And there's nothing more I can add to the hate-orgy regarding the prequels.
I mean, Disney tends to make good movies, and while at first I was freaked out when they bought Marvel, I can't deny that Avengers was a pretty kick-ass time. So who knows? Maybe the new movies will be awesome. And considering George Lucas won't be writing or directing them, the chances of them being decent just jumped up a significant amount.
But one thing's for sure. I know exactly who they should cast as the hero.
Look, he's already practicing his force-lightning and everything!
To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter. Messages may be edited for space (but they're totally more likely to get chosen if they're three paragraphs or less. Just sayin'.)
You can find previous editions of AfterElton's Ask JT advice column here.
