I profess to be no expert in the field of Christmas variety specials, but I understand their cheesy, lovely, historical importance. At one point they were a platform for astounding collaborations, and you better believe the era of that kind of magic is deeply bygone. (Though I did see Carrie Underwood's holiday special a couple years ago, and I think she invited Bo Bice to sing with her? Anyway.)
Here are five moments from Christmas variety specials that I watch every year.
1. Paul Lynde wears a Santa suit and gives Donny Osmond purple socks.
The idea of shoehorning Paul Lynde into an anodyne Osmond Christmas special is pretty wicked. Lynde, if nothing else, was a sinister comic, and his very energy brings an air of knowing subversion to the proceedings. As a bastardly Santa in the Mormon fam's 1976 Christmas special, Lynde deals with bratty Marie and boisterous Donny, eventually giving the latter a pair of purple socks. Every year I check to make sure it's Paul Lynde under that Santa beard and not Alice Ghostley. Phew. It's him.
The Carpenters admit they're effing crazy while shaming Kristy McNichol into becoming straight.
Here's where Karen Carpenter ranks on my list of Favorite Vocalists Ever: #1. She is the top of the top of the top. (#2 is Laura Nyro, by the way.) But even that can't forgive the bizarre chemistry with her brother Richard during their countless specials, especially this one from '77 featuring guests Harvey Korman, Kristy McNichol, and puppets Fran and Ollie. In this song about New Year's resolutions, Richard sings a quick joke about how Karen would insist on chaperoning his dates. Ha-ha! Funny! Except Karen actually did that in real life because the Carpenters were weird, weird people. So this is more a cry for help from Richard than a song. Fine. It gets stranger when Kristy McNichol chirps a verse about ditching her "tomboy" looks for a Farrah Fawcett'do, and it shatters me. Too real, 1977! Too real!
Bea Arthur takes an Ewok on the wild side.
Yes, this is an amateur hour selection. Everybody knows about the Star Wars Christmas special featuring (who else?) Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, and Jefferson Airplane. But there's still something oddly soothing about watching Bea Arthur handling a bunch of outer space Muppets with the no-nonsense monotone of Dorothy Zbornak. Even more comforting is the production quality, which looks like an old BBC children's series.
Judy Garland's Christmas special gave us the opportunity to rank her kids best to worst.
Nearly a decade before Liza Minnelli won an Oscar for Cabaret, she appeared alongside her mother, her siblings, and Mel Torme in this engrossing, spirited special from '63. Naturally, Judy is dressed like a cross between a Romanov and your long lost great aunt Pauline, but her spunk and shamelessness in trotting out her children gives this show a fun sense of whimsy and wildness. Let this be a reminder to us all: Lorna Luft can sing!
Never forget that Whitney and Cissy Houston sometimes sounded IDENTICAL.
Cissy Houston and Whitney Houston didn't perform together much, but I'm glad they saved their finest hour for a yuletide celebration. On the VH1 special You and Me Against the World, the magical mother and daughter sang a few tracks together, cued up a few of Whitney's videos, and chatted like old chaps. During some singing moments, they sound so similar it's jarring. Imagine if Natalie Cole sounded just like Nat King Cole. Bone-chilling, even if that metaphor barely applies here.
Please add your own moments below! I want to become an expert in this field!
