Previously, on The Vampire Diaries
VDVO: Mystic Falls means mystic creatures (it's like they knew), Elena bound, redshirts unbound, race for the cure, viva el Redshirt Revolution!
Damon and Elena awaken on Damon's bed, fully dressed at his insistence. He wasn't able to make himself release her or order her to make him happy by leaving or whatever messed-up gender subjugation crap she's caught up in. This whole sire-bond thing could not bore me more so I'm focusing on how Damon changes out of a short-sleeved T into a long-sleeved Hensley, baring his torso in the process.
"At least my nipples aren't conflicted."
They're about to spend the day in bed together when Elena's phone goes off. “Saved by the cell phone,” says Damon, who if he weren't so besotted would have gone for the far superior “saved by the cell”. It's Bonnie, who's having Elena meet her to help teach Jeremy not to kill his sister. Elena invites Damon along. Bring a vampire to a Hunter who hates him a lot? Grand idea. Title card!
Haus of Klaus, where Klaus is painting something that looks like a giant snowflake.
Enter Stefan: “Looks like a giant snowflake.” See?
Klaus prefers to think of it as “an expression of post-Modernism”. He's donating it to this week's charity event, the “Winter Wonderland”. Redshirt Adrian comes in and Klaus sends him off with the snowflake painting to the Grill. Adrian snots about it but relents under Klaus's withering stare.
Stefan gets down to business, the cure, needed now more than ever because of the sire bond. Klaus says his part of the bargain is met with his having retrieved the Hunter sword from Italy; now it's on Stefan to complete Jeremy's mark. Stefan's all, yeah, slight problem with that, we can't stop him from trying to kill us. Klaus is all, and this is my problem why exactly?
Stefan suggests that Klaus is lying about having the sword. It's a completely stupid ploy to goad Klaus into showing him the sword, which he does, retrieving it from a handy safe. The hilt has a “cipher” to decode the Hunter's Mark map.
That would actually be a cipher key but I digress. Stefan and Klaus snap at each other another minute, then we move to...
Redshirt Revolution HQ, otherwise known as the Lockwood ancestral cells. Adrian has a mad-on about being treated like a common servant. Tyler counsels patience but Kim fans the flames of discontent.
Before a full-blown fight can break out Hayley enters with good news. She's found the witch who's going to save all the redshirts' lives. Didn't realize they were in danger. Tyler exposits that the redshirts did their part to free themselves from Klaus by breaking the sire-bond and now he and Hayley will do their part.
Mystic Falls Town Square. Some townie is flocking the trees with artificial snow, dousing the last of the raging wildfires sparked by those Japanese mourning lanterns the kids released back in October.
Caroline is fuming at Tyler's plan for dealing with Klaus, which involves a powerful witch casting the body switch spell that Klaus has used in the past to put Klaus into someone else. Caroline wonders why they can't just desiccate him and Tyler reminds her that requires stopping a human heart and no one's volunteered. Why not Jeremy? He has the protecto-ring and there's always mystic CPR.
Caroline wonders who'd be stupid enough to volunteer to sub-let their body to Klaus and is chagrined to realize that her boyfriend is. The plan is that after Klaus has entered Tyler (ahem) Tyler's body will be encased in concrete long enough for the hybrids to disappear. Encase a vampire in concrete, what could go wrong?
Oh, right.
As plans go, this is right up there with “we attack the Mayor with hummus”. Say the plan works and the hybrids disappear. Tylaus is chipped out and presumably returned to his body. First order of business: Kill Tyler. Second order of business: Kill everyone else. And honestly, is a few weeks or even a few months of lead time really going to make that much of a difference? Rose, Trevor and Katherine all managed to evade Klaus for centuries without anybody being fitted for a cement bodysuit.
Caroline's main objection? Tyler in concrete can't spend senior year with her. Way to prioritize, Vampire Barbie. Tyler consoles her, saying that this started with him (actually it started with Katherine and Uncle Mason) and it needs to end with him.
Jeremy's chopping wood at the Gilbert vacation home and damn. Whoever's buying his wifebeaters needs a raise along with Stefan's wardrobe mistress.
Because, damn!
I mean seriously, damn!
He sees Damon and Elena drive up and flips into Hunter mode, but Bonnie intercepts, imploring him to trust her. The vampires watch them head toward the cabin the cabin and Damon is surprised to see that Shane is there. Elena explains she invited him.
Inside Professor Creepy is hauling out the restraints. He explains to Jeremy that they're ready to start his “don't kill Elena” lessons but they need her inside. With Elena dead the cabin is Jeremy's so he needs to invite her in. He does, then grabs her from behind and tries to stake her. It's like that episode of Designing Women where they're learning self-defense and Suzanne can't stop herself from putting choke holds on everyone.
Stefan's studying up on something at home when Caroline frantically calls about Tyler's stupid plan. Stefan tells her that Klaus showed him the sword and explains that it's the key to everything. She asks if Klaus gave him the sword because Tyler is implementing his stupid plan tonight.
Caroline's checking out Klaus's snowflake at the Grill when himself appears next to her with a goofy-ish smile. “Here to steal Tiny Tim's crutches?” Heh. She compliments his snowflake and he bemoans his apparent literalness. He offers her champagne and she declines, citing for probably the first time ever the idea that an adult in Mystic Falls might object to or even notice underage drinking. She decides to have a glass anyway and he heads to get her one.
Stefan rips the door off Klaus's safe to find the sword is gone, although there is a box of letters. On the phone, Damon suggests two courses of action. One, kill Tyler. Two, tell Klaus about the Redshirt revolution and Klaus will kill Tyler. Stefan takes killing Tyler off the table. He asks if Damon knows where Elena is and Damon prevaricates that he thinks she's at the lake house helping Jeremy. Stefan asks how she took getting sire-dumped and Damon flat-out lies that she didn't take it well. He signs off, saying he has to thwart whatever “Doctor Evil” (AKA Professor Creepy) is up to.
He's up to unleashing a torrent of psychobabble about the Hunter condition, saying that Jeremy (currently strapped to a chair) feels a burning desire to kill all vampires even if on a conscious level he doesn't want to. Bonnie chimes in with more psychobabble and, long story short, when it comes to vampires Jeremy is Pavlov's dog. Their goal is to create a mental “detour” to allow Jeremy to choose between the urge to kill and the desire not to.
Your choices for this Leg are either “Stake the Vamp” or “Brain Off-Ramp”
Candles are burning and a metronome is ticking to help Jeremy get into the proper state of mind. Shane suggests they begin by having Elena explain why she wanted to do this work at he lake house. She offers a heartfelt explanation about how they and their parents would spend every holiday at the lake and that after their parents died Jenna made them come. They thought it was a terrible idea but once they were there it felt like their parents were there with them. She says she knows they would want the two of them to stick together and watch out for each other. As she speaks Jeremy opens his eyes and regards her.
Shane asks Jeremy how he feels about Elena right now: “She ruined our lives. She's not even my real sister. She's just the reason that everyone I've ever loved has died. She means nothing to me. I will kill her, even if that means I die myself.”
Shane snaps him out of it and Jeremy, with a glimmer of hope, asks, “Did it work?” Oh, Jeremy.
Caroline and Stefan meet out in back of the Grill and Stefan reports he didn't find the sword. He says that Klaus is their only hope of finding the cure so Tyler needs to back off. Tyler, from behind Stefan: “Well, that's not going to happen.”
Tyler's pissed that Caroline told Stefan about the plan. All Stefan wants is more time but Tyler refuses to give it to him, citing the risk to his pack a long as Klaus is out and about and reminding Stefan that one redshirt was already sacrificed to Jeremy. Tyler refuses to back off and turns to leave but Stefan blocks him. Before they can get any deeper into it Caroline points out that Tyler's redshirts have them completely surrounded.
Damon finds Elena moping on the docks and she informs him that the detour wasn't built. She yammers away about how her feelings for Stefan are fading and wonders if it's the sire bond or if it's because she's so happy Damon is there with her. An uncomfortable Damon has another idea for Shane to try.
Tyler moves Stefan and Caroline into the Lockwood ancestral cells and instructs the pack to keep them there. Stefan tries to reason with him, saying it's about something bigger than Klaus. Tyler replies that he knows it's all about the cure for Stefan but that if a redshirt is cured of vampirism he goes back to being a werewolf, subject to painful turning every month, and so Tyler doesn't give “a rat's ass” about the cure.
OK hold up. Since it's established that no one has ever been cured of vampirism, how does Tyler know what it means for a redshirt to be cured? And even if Tyler is right, haven't all the unbound redshirts learned to change without pain? Why would that be any different if their vampirism is cured? What we're really talking about for the redshirts is going back to changing involuntarily once a month, which while I admit I have never been a werewolf really doesn't seem like that big a deal.
Inside the lake house Jeremy's looking at old holiday snaps when Bonnie comes to tell him Shane wants to try again. Damon walks in behind her. I seem to recall that Damon was at the lake house a couple of seasons ago, invited in by Elena. But honestly I can't be arsed to try to figure out whether we've seen another example of an invitee being turned and what effect that has on the invitation so marking it as read...
Damon suggests that trying to build the mental “detour” around killing vampires to a vampire won't work on a Hunter and suggests Jeremy think of someone else he might focus those “warm and fuzzy detour thought” on. When no one immediately responds, Damon busts out a hilarious “Gee, I wonder who that could be” and practically holds up an arrow pointed at Bonnie. Jeremy admits that he does have those feelings for Bonnie (no kidding) and Damon can't stand the sudden saccharine tinge to the atmosphere. He leaves while Jeremy and Bonnie make the googly eyes at each other for a second.
Shane joins Elena on the dock and compliments Damon's intuition. He mentions that he's aware of their...relationship...and doesn't mean to pry except he totally pries. Elena says, “It's complicated”, completely mis-pronouncing the word “boring”. She wonders if he has any ideas on breaking the sire-bond and he says that in all his travels he's never found a spell to stop someone from loving too much. He exposits that he lost a wife and child and was looking for a way to make the loss hurt less.
Damon joins them on the dock carrying Jeremy's axe. He comments that the magic herbs should be having their desired effect any time now and oh yes, why am I not killing you, Shane? And why are you looking for the vampire cure?
Shane points out that he never said he was looking for the cure but that he knows where to find it. Damon points out that the sword is the key. Shane says sure it is, but I know where it is too, because I've already been there.
Winter Wonderland. Mayor Carol dispatches April Young in her cheap-ass Miss Mystic Falls tiara to drop off any donated gifts at the Grill. April scuttles off and Carol spots Tyler. She snags two glasses of champers for a quick toast “before people can judge us”. Please, more people would judge you if your underage son wasn't drinking in public.
She notices something's wrong, so we cut to them sitting on a park bench, Tyler having informed Carol of the stupid plan. She frets that he'll miss graduation and unlike Caroline instantly realizes how ridiculous that is. Tyler explains, “I'm their Alpha. They're looking to me to help them.” She tells him to do what he must and that his father would be proud of him.
At the lake house Shane unveils the world's oldest grave marker because that sort of priceless artifact is just what you'd expect someone to haul around in the trunk of his car. He recaps the story behind the rock: A man-witch called Silas wanted to be with a girl forever so he and his best friend, another witch, crafted an immortality spell. But before Silas could make his girl immortal the witch friend got jealous and killed the girl before he could make her immortal. Cursed to an eternity without his love, he devises a reversal for the immortality spell but before he can take it the former friend buries him underground leaving him and the cure to rot.
This is not even close to the way he originally conveyed the story. The first version has Silas working with a witch called Qetsiyah to make the immortality spell. Instead of using the spell on Qetsiyah Silas decided he wanted to make some other woman immortal instead so Qetsiyah killed the other woman and buried a powerless yet immortal Silas alive.
So, is the first version of the story true, is the second version true, is neither version true, is Shane playing some game within his larger game and how is this going to unfold? I've already gone on record as saying that I think Shane is going to turn out to be Silas and that Bonnie is the reincarnation of Qetsiyah so we'll see how things shake out.
Shane continues that human blood is the engine that drives vampire immortality. Remove immortality from the equation and vampires will no longer need to feed on human blood. Dig up Silas and that's the cure.
So now instead of being a cure for vampirism the quest is for a cure for immortality. The cure would seemingly leave us with a mortal vampire, not a reconstituted human. Either this is a massive cock-up on the part of the writers or it's going to feed into another round of plot twists with Klaus, who, should he learn that the cure would not lead to the return of Elena the wet nurse, would lose all incentive to keep any of this bunch alive.
Caroline's fuming again at the Lockwood ancestral cells, insisting she is not a hostage. Kim snarks about how her inability to leave sort of indicates that she is. Stefan's phone rings. Mystic Falls has the best cell coverage in the country! Kim gets agitated but Stefan says it's just Damon. Why is that cause for relaxation? Damon lets him know about the alternate solution and Stefan informs the redshirts that they no longer need the sword.
Back at the lake house Shane decodes Jeremy's sketch of the partial mark.
He points out some vines which are the map to Silas, “which you no longer need,” and says that when Jeremy's mark is complete it will reveal the spell they need to unearth Silas. I thought the point of this exercise was to keep Jeremy from going all crazy Hunter from killing too many vampires to reveal the mark. Between this, the immortality cure and the detour I am experiencing a serious mythology overdose.
Damon reminds Shane that he hasn't let them know yet where Silas is buried; Shane advises him that the location is his leverage to keep himself alive. Elena wonders what's in all this for Shane if he's not interested in the cure. He claims he's in it for the research. Damon scoffs but Shane responds, “Would you rather be the guy who writes about Noah's Ark or the guy who sails it down the Hudson?” It's a fair point but I don't believe a word.
Caroline, Tyler and Hayley enter a restroom at the Grill. Tyler can't handle fighting with Caroline any more but girlfriend is all honey we have not yet begun to fight and the fighting shall commence just as soon as you have your witch shove Klaus's essence into the daggered body of Rebekah which is stashed in the tunnels near the Lockwood ancestral cells. How pseudo-incestuous. Hayley objects that it's too late but Tyler wants confirmation from Bonnie that the revised plan will work. Tyler heads out to find his mother because the plot requires Caroline and Hayley to be alone together. Hayley texts Professor Creepy that the plan is falling apart and he texts her back to fix it.
Caroline calls Bonnie, who confirms that the dagger will stop Klaus in Rebekah's body even though Klaus is dagger-proof. Bonnie offers to come help, leaving Jeremy with Elena. Caroline freaks at the idea that Damon and Elena are there together and hangs up. Caroline makes to leave the restroom and Hayley snaps her neck.
Elena's gathering Christmas decorations to take back home. Damon thinks she's being overly optimistic but Elena says she trusts Shane. Damon doesn't because he believes Shane exploded the Council at the Young farm. Damon busts Shane trying to eavesdrop so Shane explains that Pastor Young was depressed over the loss of his wife and sought out Shane for some spiritual assistance. Elena does not immediately recognize that is crap even though Shane told her it was crap earlier this very day.
Before we can pursue this Jeremy and Bonnie enter, saying they think Jeremy's detour construction is completed. Jeremy moves toward Elena, stake in hand. Damon makes to block him and, after a moment, Jeremy hands over the stake. He reaches Elena and they embrace. It's a Christmas miracle that's going to get Jeremy killed the first time his detour makes him hesitate in the face of an unfriendly vampire.
Winter Wonderland. Stefan spots the tail end of a conversation between Klaus and Hayley. Hayley leaves and Stefan approaches. Klaus demands to know where Stefan has been all day. Stefan's answer is circuitous so Klaus threatens to compel it out of him. Stefan admits breaking into the safe and mentions finding the letters that Klaus apparently collected from his victims. Klaus counters that it's no stranger than writing the names of one's victims on a wall as Ripper Stefan did.
Klaus sees Adrian behind Stefan and makes to leave with him, but not before he bleats about the moment of connection between vampire and victim when the vampire has his victim's life literally in his hands before it's ripped away and memorializing one's victims either by keeping their letters or writing their names on a wall is a reminder that in the end they are left “infinitely and utterly alone”.
Um...OK.
Miss Mystic Falls finds Caroline dead on the restroom floor. She starts to go for help but Caroline revives and cuts her off; she asks if April has seen Hayley. Understandably April's a bit off-kilter and doesn't answer. Caroline calls Stefan and tells him that the “werewolf slut” is trying to ruin everything so Stefan should go to the Lockwood ancestral cells to make sure Caroline's body is still there and Hayley's going to find Tyler and keep Hayley from messing everything up. Then she compels April to forget everything she just saw and heard and go fulfill her duties as the reigning Miss Mystic Falls. April leaves, apparently having forgotten that she needed to pee.
Caroline exits the loo and Matt informs her that Stefan's been looking for her (so why didn't he answer her call ten seconds ago?) because Adrian is leading Klaus to the Lockwood ancestral cells. Caroline grumpily asks why the only times that April isn't following Matt around like a puppy are when she stumbles across Caroline with a broken neck. Matt's appalled but Caroline tells him not to worry since she compelled April. Matt tells her that April is wearing Jeremy's vervain bracelet so she can't be compelled. Meaning that Caroline has outed herself, Hayley, Stefan and Tyler as supernatural.
Outside Tyler's looking for and calling his mom to tell her things have changed. This show has the worst case of Cell Phone Attentiveness Disorder ever. He hangs up and runs into Hayley, surprised he's not leading “the witch” to the Lockwood ancestral cells. Hayley admits she lied, that there is no witch. She explains that she needed the redshirts for a sacrifice, that she made a deal with “someone” to help her find her family. She needed twelve for the sacrifice. She insists that she's sorry. “If you run now, you might make it out alive.” A stunned Tyler starts to move.
Meanwhile, the redshirts are waiting for the witch in the woods. Why not at the Lockwood ancestral cells since that's supposedly where the witch is headed? Who knows. Kim complains that the witch is late then they hear a noise. It's Adrian, stumbling into the clearing minus the heart that's clutched in Klaus's hand. The Redshirt Revolution becomes the Redshirt Massacre, as Klaus systematically removes the heads or hearts of almost the entire pack. Kim makes it to the Lockwood ancestral cells but Klaus catches up to her and, when she can't give him Tyler's location, ends her too.
Elena, Jeremy and Bonnie are sorting through decorations and Jeremy picks up the sprig of mistletoe that Jenna used to make out with slimy Logan Fell all the way back in season one. Elena gestures for Damon to join them but he declines. So she goes to him, of course, and hoists the mistletoe over his head. After they go on again some more about their feelings and how upset Stefan will be when he learns that Damon didn't break the sire-bond right away and that they had sex, Damon breaks the sire-bond. Or more precisely he activates the sire-bond to force Elena to make him happy by leaving him and not looking back. This is so messed up. Oh, and Damon's going to stay at the lake house and teach Jeremy how to hunt and complete his mark.
Back at Chez Salvatore Caroline's wigging out because no one can get in touch with anyone. Stefan's eerily calm because they don't know that the plan was a sham. Stefan and Caroline start inexplicably feeling sympathy for Klaus despite how he's a complete bastard and they wonder how they're any different from Klaus since they've all done horrible things too. I think there's an argument to be made for both quantity and quality of Klaus's bastardy. Stefan concludes that it has something to do with how they have family they can trust and Klaus doesn't. Which is no one's fault but Klaus's.
Caroline decides this is the perfect time to start exploring the limits of Stefan's trust in Damon and spills that the two slept together despite having absolutely no right to do so. Stefan freaks and starts smashing the furniture.
Elena and Bonnie head back to town. Elena says she was ready to fight Damon but now every part of her body is telling her to leave him. Yup, that's some free will she's got goin' on right there.
Tyler finds the scene of the Redshirt Massacre in the woods and next finds Kim in the Lockwood ancestral cells.
April is hiding there, still in her cheap-ass tiara and sash, which is hilarious. Tyler leaves and April approaches a coffin. She opens it to find Rebekah's daggered body.
Closing time at Winter Wonderland. Mayor Carol is literally the only person left because apparently there isn't a single person in the entire town who would offer her a lift. She's leaving a message for Tyler, who's supposed to be her “sober cab” because she “drank half the party”. Atta girl.
She sits on the edge of a fountain and a bloodied Klaus approaches looking for Tyler. Carol begs for Tyler's life, saying he's all she has. Klaus notes that Carol is all Tyler has and commenting on the “beautiful symmetry” of it, drowns her in the fountain.
Come on Carol, with your capacity you should be able to drain that fountain!
Any bets on whether Carol nips a little vampire blood each morning, just in case? And this makes how many parental figures or actual parents who've been killed on this show? Elena and Jeremy's parents, Elena's birth parents, Alaric, Pearl, Lexi, Grams, Abby, Bill Forbes, Tyler's dad and now Tyler's mom. Am I forgetting anyone? Sheriff Liz better be watching her back, is all I'm saying.
This was the mid-season finale and it was exhausting. The Vampire Diaries returns January 17, 2013. See you all then!
