I tried hard. I tried thinking of genuine Christmas movies that I watch every year on VHS with my family, but I only came up with films I've previously covered in Best Movie Ever?: Clue, Airplane, What's Up, Doc?, etc. Then I realized my favorite Christmas movie has barely any yuletide credibility, but buckets of what makes Christmas great: the whimsy of nostalgia, Hasbro products, and imagination. I'm talking about Toy Story, my third animated candidate for Best Movie Ever (along with Aladdin and 101 Dalmatians), and arguably one of the most re-watchable films ever to join the BME vault. Sue me for not choosing Miracle on 34th Street this week, but Pixar's magic might just rival Maureen O'Hara's. I said it.
Besides, do you really want to spend Christmas thinking about a perspiring man in a Santa costume? It grosses me out, and trust me, I have a singular love for mall employees.
Toy Story is the perfect Christmas movie not only because it ends on Christmas day, but because its story of a winsome toy cowboy named Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks, bien sur) whose owner Andy finds a new favorite action figure in flashy, electronic astronaut Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen), is a cute twist on holiday mania. Shopping season is all about the new and snazzy, and this time the Toys R Us rush translates into an identity crisis for our old-hat, pullstring-operated sheriff. Here are five other reasons it's a delightful pick for Best Movie Ever.
1. In case you don't have a stellar imagination, Toy Story has one for you.
I love how Toy Story uses familiar childhood icons, groups them together in Andy's toy chest as a ragtag brigade, and wittily reintroduces them to the present day by giving them droll characteristics. When Woody begins a meeting by speaking into Mike the microphone (a Fisher Price audio cassette deck), he has to command Mike to stand closer because of his frustratingly short cord. Personally, I remember how annoying those cords were from growing up, so this image hit home for me. I particularly love how the personified Etch-a-Sketch expresses its feelings in incredible drawings or holds onto whatever Andy drew on it, depending on the day.
How about the Speak & Spell's dramatic scroll of "WHAT??!?" when Woody announces that Andy's birthday party has moved to today?
Other kooky moments: how the friends transform Tinker Toys into a personal gym, how Andy utilizes Slinky the Dog's coil as a "forcefield" (very creative!), and how the determined GI Joe toys commandeer a baby monitor and use it to give dispatches to the other toys from remote locations.
2. The casting is an inspired list of unforgettable pop culture curios.
It's been 17 years since the original Toy Story hit theaters (Jesus!), and I'm still awed by the phenomenal casting choices -- and by how weirdly '80s-centric they are! Note Pixar favorite and Cheers legend John Ratzenberger as the chummy piggy bank Hamm, or colossal Clueless/My Dinner With Andre legend Wallace Shawn as the timid dinosaur Rex. I think Pixar should be especially proud of Jim Varney (a.k.a. Ernest P. Worrell) as the dachshund slinky. His amiable bark is, well, a perfect fit for a sleepy-eyed slinky dog. Don't forget Laurie Metcalf as Andy's mom or Don Rickles as Mr. Potato Head, and especially don't forget the cutesy renaissance of one of our most cherished Designing Women...
3. Saucy Bo Peep can get it. 
Look, no one ever talks about Bo Peep. I care about her. I care about the fact that Annie Potts is her voice, I care about her delicate Rihanna-like features, and I care about the salacious way she tells Woody, "I'm just a coupla blocks away" as she strolls past some alphabet blocks. If this was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, she's April O'Neil. If this is Super Mario Bros. 2, she's the free-floating Princess Toadstool (with a very similiar costume). If this was Street Fighter II, she's Chun-Li. She represents a fundamental female force that is, in some ways, included in the ensemble based out of obligation. Despite that, she anchored the movie for me as a kid. I remember thinking, "Good, Andy likes girl toys too!" and felt completely secure as a 9-year-old with dozens of stuffed animals with fancy girl names like Leslie and Bethany. Sure, Bo Peep may be an artifact from Andy's infancy, but that didn't matter to me. She had a slammin' body and made everyone play nice and represented a modicum of gayness. Somehow, somewhere, some way, I understood that.
4. Like all good Pixar movies, Toy Story is totally creepy.
Through a series of fights and mishaps, Woody and Buzz find themselves in Andy's delinquent neighbor Sid's house. Sid loves to blow things up and wear t-shirts with skulls on them, so maybe he's not the most toy-friendly owner on the planet. His bedroom is a chop shop of butchered playthings, and I'm telling you they're creepier than anything you'd see in Child's Play: Roller Bob is a diver with a skateboard body! Legs is a decapitated doll with a fishing rod body! Baby Face is not a '90s R&B producer/crooner, but an Erector Set arachnid with an ominous baby head! Ahhhhhhh!
Thankfully Woody realizes they're all nice, helpful freaks, but oh my God -- finding Baby Face in my linen closet is a fate worse than death.
Do you like cultish undertones in your animated flicks? When Woody and Buzz drop in on a bunch of vending machine toys at the mouth-watering Pizza Planet restaurant, the squishy alien prizes point at the awaiting crane and coo, "The claaaaaw! Claw's our master! Claw chooses who will go and who will stay!"Toy Story: easily the kid-friendliest introduction to the themes of Helter Skelter you'll ever find.
Oh, also: Buzz ends up in drag for a tea party and then wonders if his original identity was a mere fabrication. That's right, Buzz Lightyear might be Venus Xtravaganza reincarnated.
5. It's one of the few trilogies where any of the three films could conceivably be your favorite.
With the exception of The Lord of the Rings trilogy (if you can stand that ponderous noise), Star Wars, or maybe Back to the Future, theToy Story trilogy is one of the few flawless, three-part cinematic experiences. Perhaps you prefer Toy Story 2 for its inclusion of Joan Cusack and the unforgettable ballad "When She Loved Me." Perhaps you dig Toy Story 3 for its moving third act (complete with a terrifying incinerator sequence) and Jodi Benson's triumphant return as Barbie. The movies are nearly beyond criticism, and better yet, they remain the perfect use of CGI animation to date. It's cooler to watch toys move in a computerized fashion than digitally rendered humans. I'm more apt to accept their cartoonish gestures as matter-of-fact documentary footage, you know?
Is Toy Story still unbelievable to you? Is it a divine Christmas movie too? And who's the greatest vocal actor in the trilogy? I might vote for horrifying Kelsey Grammer in Toy Story 2. Because Kelsey Grammer? Is horrifying. And he should just embrace that.
