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Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
Hey JT,
So I have a problem with my someday-possibly in-laws. I like things low-key and chill, and they’re all addicted to drama. My boyfriend isn’t like that at all … except when he’s home with them, and he turns into a drama monster! I love him so much and 99% of the time he’s just as chill as I am, but he’s different with his folks.
My family growing up was always a very calm, live-and-let-live kind of clan. But my bf’s family is a whole other story. I went to his house for Christmas Eve and was reminded just what they’re like. They’re always talking about each other behind everyone’s backs and gossipping. His mother has some beef with a cousin, and this past visit she made sure to tell me all about it. She even said she would be mad if she caught me chatting with said cousin at their Christmas Eve dinner. What the hell?
Should I tell him or just let it go?
Deranged ‘Rents Accentuate Mad Activities
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Ah, home for the holidays.
Huh … well, it sounds like while there’s all this drama a-brewin’, DRAMA, none of it seems centered on you and your relationship … so, you know, there’s that.
Honestly, in this kind of a situation - when you’re dealing with your significant other’s family - it’s best to keep your mouth shut and cast no stones. While it’s true that you have to learn to love everything about the person you’re with (and that includes their family), you’re dating him, not his family. Really, how often will you have to see them?
I’d say your boyfriend's drama-prone family falls into the category of what Dan Savage refers to as “the price of admission.” Basically, the price of admission means there are allowances you have to make in order to make it work with the person, if you really think that’s the person for you. For example, even though it’s my firm belief that I’m utterly flawless in every way, my boyfriend Morris has mentioned to me a few times that I tend to be forgetful. (Personally, I think that’s bogus, because I totally can’t remember a time I’ve forgotten something.)
But the point is, on the few occasions something semi-important has slipped my mind, I see this emotional dance play across his face, where the initial irked expression is followed by a self-soothing smile. He’s reminding himself that this is the price of admission.
You’re not going to change your boyfriend’s family, DRAMA, any more than you’re going to change your boyfriend. And again, think how you’d feel if he criticized your family. Crappy, right? So I’d recommend not saying anything to him about his clan's penchant for the dramatic.
What you have to decide is if dealing with his family (silently!) is worth it to stay with him.
Hey JT,
About two months ago I finally told a friend I was into him, and though he never repeated the words back it seemed like he was into me, too. (I told him drunkenly at a bar and after I told him the next thing I know we're making out on the dance floor). We talked a lot and went on two dates which ended up with him making a move on me which I gladly accepted.
After about the third date, though, things started going downhill. The conversations were more forced and it was like pulling teeth getting him to talk to me. I know it probably sounds like this guy just completely lost interest, but we went on another date and again he made a move on me.
I can figure out when a guy is giving me the slow fade but this guy just seems completely unpredictable. I'm always starting the conversations with him and kind of dominating the conversations but here and there he throws in these one liners which makes it sound like he is still into me. Is this guy still worth going after or am I just making a bigger fool of myself?
Appreciate the advice,
Confused Dater
There’s a few possibilities here, CD.
A lot of relationships start off with kind of a push-pull situation, where after the initial burst of mutual enthusiasm, one partner pulls away while the other pushes forward with all the relationship work. Sometimes that leads to them drifting apart, but sometimes it leads to the original aggressor backing off, and the one who initially pulled away realizing he liked the attention, and so then does a little pushing himself.
That might be what’s happening here. It’s also possible this guy is shy and doesn’t really know how to behave, and so he’s letting you take the lead and trying desperately to figure out something clever to say, and so his lines all come out in quick sound bites.
It’s also possible he’s over you and doesn’t know how to tell you.
If I were you, I’d tell him that you can feel him pulling back, and you don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so you’ll let the ball be in his court. Make sure he knows you still like him and want to continue dating, but don’t want him to feel like you’re crowding him.
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Hey JT,
Okay, for the first time ever I’m hosting a New Year’s Eve party. Can you give me the rundown of what drinks I should have on hand (and maybe an idea for a specialty cocktail, since I love reading those)?
Desperately Seeking Recipes
Sorry we didn't get to this before the holidays, DSR! Hope your party was a rousing success.
Still, here's some tips for next New Year's Eve (and most all holiday parties). It’s best to have an assortment of beverages running the gamut of taste. So stock up on beer, red and white wine, and the following liquors: vodka, rum, tequila, and whiskey. Have club soda, tonic, and a fruit juice like cranberry or orange on hand for mixing. And New Year’s Eve is a champagne holiday, so make sure the bubbly is flowing.
And speaking of which, here’s a super-easy but delicious New Year’s Eve cocktail: the Cham-Cham.
Pour about a half-shot of Chambord (a dark raspberry liqueur) into a champagne flute, and top it off with champagne (or any sparkling white wine). If you feel like being fancy, you can use blueberries or raspberries as a garnish.
Actually, no need to wait until next New Year's for the Cham-Cham. Try it at your next shindig!
To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter. Messages may be edited for space (but they're totally more likely to get chosen if they're three paragraphs or less. Just sayin'.)
You can find previous editions of AfterElton's Ask JT advice column here.
