Previously on Merlin, the fabulously-coiffed Morgana (how she keeps her curls so bouncy in the Dark Ages I’ll never know) took over an old ice fortress in the “frozen wastelands” of England (and here I thought “frozen wasteland in England” was just Prince Philip’s nickname for Queen Elizabeth) while looking for the Dochraid, the key to all knowledge as well as the chastity belt Uther placed on Morgana during Season One (no wonder the girl has daddy anger issues!) Arthur and Merlin were captured by Snatchers and are being brought to Morgana as slaves, while Guinevere had captured a spy in Camelot and ordered her execution.
Part II opens with Morgana asleep and dreaming of herself and the white dragon imprisoned in a deep pit. Funny—I had the exact same dream last night myself, except swap out “white dragon” for “vomiting pug” and replace “imprisoned in deep pit” with “while sitting on my lap.” Wait, check—that was no dream. Anyway, I’m guessing the white dragon—whose name is Aithusa? Abubu? Azerbaijan? Azarath Metreon Zinthos? Oh, let’s just call it Poopsie for now—anyway, Poopsie seems to be Morgana’s new pet. Somehow I see Morgana with a Yorkie and not a dragon, since dragons are not really practical to fit in one’s Louis Vuitton (if it makes a mess the ling will be ruined). But I digress.
We cut to Arthur and Merlin, squabbling. I’d tell these two to get a room already but since Arthur owns a friggin’ castle, what’s the point of that? They are being marched through the cold to Morgana, and somehow, sleeping in the snow takes all the fun out of camping. I remember a few Boy Scout camping trips in mid-January in the Adirondacks and seem to recall we had pretty much the same reaction.
Emo-knight Mordred is feeling all angst-y about being part of the marauding horde that goes around capturing slaves for Morgana’s mines, but since the horde offers excellent dental and a 401K, it’s just too good to pass up. He does offer Merlin and Arthur some bread and he tells Merlin about the Dochraid, which he explains is the key to all knowledge. To which Arthur exclaims, “Morgana is looking for Wikipedia?” while Merlin and Mordred shake their heads and remind themselves that Arthur is, after all, a natural blond.
Elsewhere, Morgana talks to Ruadan, her henchman du jour, about her great frustration in not having Arthur in her clutches. You and me both, baby, but I think our motives may differ slightly. You want him dead, and I want him mowing my lawn in a pair of 1980s-era athletic shorts and tube socks. Morgana tells Ruadan that Sefa should be proud to die for such a noble cause as hers, though somehow I think neither Ruadan nor Sefa are moved by her words.
In Camelot, Sefa tries to persuade Gaius to intervene on her behalf with Queen Guinevere. She is granted an audience with the Queen and says that she didn’t really mean to commit treason—well, she did, but only because her father told her to—well, maybe she sort of liked it, but she is really sorry all those men died and she promises not to do it again—well, not for at least another week, right? Sefa needs a serious lesson in groveling because by the end of her speech I am hoping Guinevere will move the execution date up. But the Queen calmly tells her the law is the law, and that is that. After Sefa leaves, Gaius tells Guinevere she is being a bit harsh, but the Queen says that she really doesn’t plan on executing Sefa, that she is just putting her in danger so Ruadan will come and he can be captured. Gaius cautions that Guinevere is playing a risky game and I suddenly notice the Queen’s amazing red dress with the silver flower appliqué covering her perky bosom. Dang! Even Joan Rivers can’t find fault with it. Fabulous.
In the mines of Moria (and I don’t even like Tolkein, I’m just throwing that in one for you folks,) Gwaine is being tended to by the creepy blue stretched-out Smurf when he comes to. Seriously I think that creature is what a radioactive crack-addict Smurf would look like. Gwaine appears concerned that someone slipped a roofie in his grog when he looks at Junkie Smurf, but she/it tells him not to be afraid and gazes at him almost lovingly. For a moment I think we’re going down the “loathely lady” plot line and I am loving it. But we don’t. It all turns out more “alien autopsy” instead which completely bums me out, but I’m a big boy and I have Xanax and Chablis so I’ll be okay. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Junkie Smurf tells Gwaine she is the “last of her kind,” and Gwaine prays she does not start talking about an inter-species breeding program.
Back at the Winter Boy Scout Jamboree, Arthur stumbles and appears seriously weak, but he really does it just to steal a knife from one of the Saxon guards. Arthur and Merlin make their escape (but leave the other slaves to fend for themselves—nice!) by jumping over an icy gorge and sending a few of the Saxon horde to their death with a crossbow (eat your heart out Katniss What-everdeen.) Arthur has Mordred in his sights but, since Mordred cannot reach them, does not shoot. Merlin, suddenly morphing into a Neocon, decides a pre-emptive strike is best, but Arthur is king, and has the crossbow, so he decides that Mordred escapes unharmed.
In Camelot, Ruadan sneaks in to the castle (I swear, security at this castle is as loose as the elastic in my sweatpants waistband after the Thanksgiving to Christmas holiday eating binge) in order to rescue Sefa. It seems Guinevere’s plan is coming to fruition. Uhh… perhaps she should have posted a few extra guards in anticipation of Ruadan’s arrival? This was your plan, Guinevere, but you appear to have been caught with your farthingale down around your ankles. After Ruadan takes out a few knights of the Round Table (ahh, now I know why their capes are red—to match the color of the appropriate shirt on Star Trek,) the knights nonetheless manage to mortally wound Ruadan. He still escapes with Sefa and writes Morgana a warning note that reads like this: “Girrrl, Arthur may already be at your door. Get your cray-cray derriere ready. And do something about that weave! You look like Medusa with a head full of bipolar serpents.” I’m pretty sure I wrote that down correctly, word-for-word. Morgana prepares for his arrival but is interrupted by the incoming group of Saxons. She recognizes Mordred among them and is happy to see him. She takes him to her private chamber and feeds him some Kentucky Fried while the atmosphere in the room becomes as tense as any first date on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Oh, Morgana, didn’t Patti limit you to two drinks and told you explicitly not to show your cleavage? You are in for it later, skank. You may never work on Bravo again…
Meanwhile, Arthur and Merlin sneak into Morgana’s icebox through her back tunnel—I’m serious! They sneak into the fortress through what is apparently a compost heap—well, Morgana can’t be all bad if she recycles, can she? They find Percival—looking hunky as always—and give him a sword and tell him to free everyone else while they go look for Gwaine. They find him and Junkie Smurf, though Junkie Smurf runs off. Percival starts freeing the slaves and soon the Camelot army is running around the mines, buff and shirtless and thank you dear God in Heaven because my wish just came true. I think they should fight all their battles shirtless. And in tight 1980s-era athletic shorts with white tube socks. Just a suggestion…
Elsewhere in the mines, Merlin, Arthur, and Gwaine hear a terrible sound. Look out—here comes Poopsie! They seem amazed Morgana has a dragon. I’m amazed Morgana got KFC to deliver where she is, but that’s just me. Merlin tells Arthur to save Gwaine while he and Poopsie have a little chitchat. Turns out Poopsie can’t talk like Merlin’s dragon, and, apparently, she is also not allowed to join in any reindeer games. Poor Poopsie!
Morgana finds Arthur and the two have yet another bitter confrontation. Arthur: “As a child you were so kind and compassionate…what happened to you?” Morgana: “I grew up.” Gosh, if I wanted to see siblings squabble like this I’d just watch home movies of last Christmas…and the year before…and the year before…Anyway, Morgana stabs Arthur with her flying dagger and uses her magic fu to take Merlin out of the picture. She is just about to finish Arthur off for good when Mordred lets her have it from behind. With a knife, you gutter brains! He stabs her and takes Arthur to safety, leaving Merlin behind.
Merlin is found by Junkie Smurf, and Merlin guesses that she is, in fact, the Dochraid, something we all guessed about three episodes ago (and she only first appeared last episode…get it? Ohh, never mind. You know, I don’t get a lot of time to turn this recap around. You could give me a little leniency here…) The Dochraid tells Merlin that she holds all knowledge within her, and it is a serious burden, which is why she does all the crack. She says Merlin can ask her a question, and he wonders what the Powerball numbers will be next week. No, he asks if Mordred is not Arthur’s bane, then who is? The Dochraid replies, “Tom Hardy?” And Merlin says, “Really? How could you tell underneath that ridiculous face mask? And that voice? He sounds like his underwear are three sizes too small, you know what I mean?” No, seriously, the Dochraid tells Merlin that Arthur, himself, is his own bane.
And, yet again, poor Merlin looks constipated.
Back in Camelot, Mordred is promoted and becomes Sir Mordred, and, seriously, Merlin wonders what he has to do to get a promotion. After all, Alfred was only at the Abbey for a month and they made him valet to Matthew! And he started as a hotel waiter! And he is too tall! Oh, wait, wrong show. Well, they’re all British! It’s pretty much the same thing, right? Rather, Merlin confronts Mordred about stabbing Morgana, and asks why he did it. Mordred gives some blah blah blah answer about love and peace and can’t we all just be friends? Merlin is soooo not buying it. Even his ears scoff at Mordred’s lame-o answer.
The episode ends with a shot of Morgana and Poopsie, traipsing through the snow. Wait, let me get this straight. Morgana stabbed Arthur. Twice. Mordred stabbed Morgana. And everyone not only lives, but pretty much just walks it off? Clearly, these people do not know how to stab! They need to get some lessons from a real badass, like Chuck Norris or Sylvester Stallone or, even better, Amanda Bynes. You know she can really cut a sucker!
Well, that’s it for this week’s edition of Merthur, where the HoYay seems about as gay as a depressed Mennonite. But, hey, as long as Percival runs around with his shirt off, kicking butt, taking names, and looking brawny while doing it, you’ll hear no complaints from me…
