Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
Hey JT,
Last year I finally came out of the closet after struggling with my identity during college. A few months after I came out to my friends, I came out to my mom, who lives in another state. She didn't take it well at first, even though she didn't throw the bible at me or did anything.
Needless to say this put a big strain on our relationship. We used to Skype once a week, and it got to a point where even phone calls stopped. Just recently I went back home for a visit. )I hadn't seen my mom for almost 10 months.) She said she will never abandon me, even if she doesn't agree with who I am. She also asked me to not cut her out of my life and to return to the close ties we had before I came out to her.
However, deep inside, I still feel like I'm somewhat detached from her, and that I want to pull away even more. I value my family ties a lot, having grown up with strong family values (read: close ties with your parents, not the homophobic kind), and what I'm feeling right now is really confusing me. What should I feel?
Troubled
Give yourself permission to feel however you're feeling, even if it doesn't feel that good. Since your mom didn't immediately embrace you in a bear hug and join the local chapter of PFLAG, you have a right to a little distance, and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Right now, distance is your shield, and you're entitled to it. For some parents, accepting their gay children is a long and bumpy process, and while that doesn't make it right - after all, it's a parent's job to support their children and show them unconditional love. It might also help you to remember that you're not alone. There are a lot of gays out there who come out and then must iron out the kinks with their families.
Huffington Post just put up a great article about a gay man and the long journey his mother went on towards accepting him. The man's partner is quoted as saying the three stages of relationships gay people have with the straight people they come out to are Tolerance, Acceptance, and finally Embrace. Your mom says she won't abandon you, but then she has to qualify that with the fact that she doesn't agree with who you are. So the bad news is it sounds like she's still in the earliest stage of accepting you as the awesome person you are. The good news is it sounds like she's willing to try and improve.
It seems pretty clear that deep down, your mom still loves you, and you still love her. Perhaps acknowledge the fact that her process will take some time and let her know you understand and won't rush her. But also let her know it's entirely inappropriate for her to say things like "she doesn't agree with who you are," because that's hurtful and abusive and doesn't come from a place of love. So if she's serious about wanting to stay in your life, she needs to cut that sh*t out right away.
And then, like I always say, be prepared to forgive her. Forgiveness is the best feeling in the world, and only good things come of it.
Hey JT,
I was wondering if you could give me some writing advice. I’m a junior in college, and I’ve sort of just discovered a desire to write screenplays. I peeked at my best friend’s computer as she was working on one, and I got inspired. I’m thinking about taking a class next semester, but I was wondering if you had any advice that could help me do it on my own, at least until I start taking the class.
Bard in Training
If you’re serious about screenwriting, BIT, an absolute must-have is Syd Field’s Screenplay: The Foundations of Screenwriting.
There are many books about screenwriting out there, and I’ve read most of ‘em. Field’s book is the best place to start for someone new to screenwriting, because it lays out all you need to about writing a screenplay.
Most importantly, he explains the paradigm that has gone into every single successful movie. Like, ever. Here, take a look:
Did you know that pretty much every movie has a three-act structure? And that the plot points that push the story from one act to the next are almost always found in the same place in every successful film?
If you read this book and dedicate yourself to it, you can write a screenplay that works. I had to read this book as an assignment when I was a senior in high school, and at 17 I actually wrote a screenplay. It’s total crap and a blatant rip-off of Terminator 2 (except the Linda Hamilton character is a gay dude), but the point is I wrote a complete screenplay with a beginning, middle, and end that makes sense.
One of the reasons, however, that the script was silly and trite is because at 17 I had never heard of a man named Joseph Campbell.
Campbell is a scholar most famous for his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, which is a must read for any author. Campbell’s area of expertise is world mythology, and you have him to thank for whenever you hear someone use the phrase “hero’s journey.” He breaks down into stages the archetypal journey that every hero goes on in basically every myth ever, from Gilgamesh to Luke Skywalker, and in its simplest terms it’s a hero’s answering the call to adventure, his departure into another world in which he’s changed as a person, and his eventual return to the normal world in which he bestows a boon that helps others. But it's not just for epic sagas. All the main points of the hero's journey can work for any great story. Sometimes the dragon is a bully or a terminal illness. And sometimes it's actually a dragon. It all depends on what kind of genre you're into.
(One thing to keep in mind, though, is that the hero's journey is not a cheat sheet. If you just mindlessly plug in plot points in a write-by-numbers fashion (as plenty of writers do), your story will have no soul.)
Hey JT,
I know it's a little early yet, but I'm planning a romantic night with my partner for Valentine's day, and I'd love to offer him a cocktail we've never tried before. Got any Valentine-themed drinks?
Never Too Soon for Valentine's
Always happy to oblige, buddy! A great Valentine's Day drink is called Besame, which is Spanish for "Seriously, dude, take off your clothes. Now." Or something like that. I don't know Spanish.
Here's what you need:
Agavero (a tequila liquer, which is allegedly an aphrodisiac)
Chambord
Passionfruit juice (or your favorite fruit juice)
Lime
Raspberries
Cut the lime into wedges, then drop one into a tall glass along with a small handful of raspberries. You're going to want to muddle them, and if you don't have a muddler (most people don't) you can make do with a wooden spoon. Just gently press and twist the fruit with the end of the spoon until it's all mushy at the bottom. Add about one and a half shots of Agavero. Fill the glass about two thirds of the way with the fruit juice, then top it off with Chambord.
You then pour it all into a shaker filled with ice, shake it like a Polaroid picture, then pour your now frosty, delicious drink back into the glass. It's floral, fruity, and oh, so delicious.
Enjoy!
To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter. Messages may be edited for space (but they're totally more likely to get chosen if they're three paragraphs or less. Just sayin'.)
You can find previous editions of AfterElton's Ask JT advice column here.
