A few notes before we begin.
1) Get out your VHS of Paris Is Burning, because I just realized Nicki Minaj talks exactly like Venus Xtravaganza. I'm always expecting her to shout, "Touch this skin! Touch all of this skin!" at Mariah, who might just be Dorian Corey.
2) Keith Urban is living proof that most country stars dress like they're in a 2001 Matchbox 20 video.
3) Randy Jackson is still a cauldron of nothing.
Moving along! Idol's second day of season 12 auditions was damn fruitful, as 16 acts won Hollywood tickets and I didn't truly hate any of them. Can you believe it? I am filled with true hatred, and I had nowhere to displace it. In fact, the one auditioner who seemed like an obvious burnout turned out to be most provocative and cool singer of the competition so far. Let's visit with her first, shall we?
1. Kezban Sauerbier: Weird. And Thank God.
Kez Ban is a "beginner fire artist" with Patti Smith's plummy eyes, a gender-ambiguous voice, and an all-around vintage Chris Crocker vibe. Her squirmy demeanor and surliness seemed like sure signs of a trainwreck, but that was anything but the case: After a sweet but creepy rendition of Pinocchio's theme, she picked up her guitar and strummed through a quaint rendition of a self-penned ditty called "Wandering." The singing? Warm and lonely and real. The songwriting? If I'm being honest, it was chockablock with lyrical cliches like roadsides and guitar-toting, but the delivery was so sincere and confessional that it commanded respect. Unfortunately, she strikes me as precisely the kind of competitor who can't play with others during Hollywood Week, but I think her genuine kookiness will stay with me for awhile.
2. Brandy Neelly: Crying All The Way to the Hank
Nothing to decode about Brandy Neelly: The girl trilled "Your Cheatin' Heart" with the pain and bleat of a longtime saloon matron, and I already like her better than the country bumpkins we've been saddled with in previous seasons like Skylar Laine and Lauren Alaina. This girl can saaaang, and I think she also possesses a maturity that I'm deeply relieved to see in any Idol contestant.
3. Mackenzie Wasner: Pretty Pollyanna
Now, this is the run-of-the-mill country I'm used to seeing on Idol. She's pretty, she sings pretty, she beams pretty, and it's actually offensive to call her performance anything but pretty. But Mackenzie is also a confident dame with a Lee Ann Womack vibe (as Keith Urban noted astutely), and her family's country music credibility helps propel her stage presence beyond what we've seen in most other contestants so far. And she's the cutest! Even with that au courant trash magenta eye shadow.
4. Lazaro Arbos: You WILL Cry.
Lazaro Arbos probably has no shot of progressing beyond Hollywood week, but Nigel Lythgoe and his panel of soulless TV execs cobbled together a damn moving package that will make the young man an Idol legend. Lazaro's chronic stammer is a real impediment when he's trying to talk to the camera or judges, but it fades away when he sings. Are you weeping yet? Lazaro was wearing a cyan shirt with a pink bow tie (very Fred Figglehorn), but his rendition of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" was the opposite of his sartorial style: played down, tender, un-loud. This is the most emotional I've ever gotten watching Idol, and I sometimes still burst into traumatic crying jags when I think about Melinda Doolittle's performance of "My Funny Valentine." Still THE BEST. STILL!
What were your favorite contestants? Could you handle the bickering between Venus and Dorian? Can you handle Keith Urban's haircut? Are we excited, dammit?
