Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
This week’s episode of Merlin is all about the Disir, which is apparently the old religion’s form of Judge Judy (I worship Judge Judy. You should too.) Funny, I thought “The Disir” was the name of the cheap knockoff perfume that Arthur bought Guinevere as a present for last Whitsuntide Eve. My bad.
Our scene opens on three witches chanting before a pool. Oh, seriously Merlin writers, if you have to crib off a hack like Shakespeare, you’ve really gone down in the world (though the ever-doubting, brooding Arthur of Season 5 would make a very fine Hamlet—“To blond, or not to blond? That is the question…right? Is that a question? How do you form a question again?”).
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The three witches are chanting in some kind of “old religion” gibberish that I strangely seem to half-recognize. Hmm. Could there be some Anglo-Saxon words mixed up in that? My college professor would be so proud that I remembered some of my Beowulf after all.
Anyway, the three witches send a sorcerer named Osgar (who I am guessing has a roommate named Feliks) to find Arthur and give him a really big coin-looking thing. It is apparently important that Arthur himself touch it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
In Camelot, the knights are out doing their morning calisthenics. “And one, and two! Lift and tone! Come on, Percival, move that tush! We want to see armor and buns of steel!” Suddenly, Leon rushes in with bad news. Apparently a garrison on the eastern border has been attacked and one of Arthur’s most special knights—a childhood friend—whom we have never before heard tell of—and will never hear of again—has died! Oh, the horrors of plot contrivances! Arthur himself will lead the posse to go and fetch this Osgar. Psst! Arthur, here’s a hint: check the garbage cans.
Arthur makes preparations to go and is undressing in his rooms. Armor…chain mail…overshirt…and then the wretched cameraman pans away. Blast you, evil cameraman! Why do you hate me so?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Guinevere doesn’t want Arthur to go, but she never wants him to go anywhere anymore with the guys. She just wants him to stay home and “cuddle” while they discuss possible baby names and the most artful ways to arrange nursery furniture. Hey, guess what, Guinevere? I’ve read all the literature, and you’re about as fertile as the Namib Desert. It ain’t happening, girl…
Mordred, who has been showing great promise in learning how to wield his sword (insert your own joke here) is invited to come along on his first official mission. He gets quivers where no knight should ever quiver, and the other knights in turn haze him along the way, by making him ride his horse backwards and do beer bongs until he passes out. I swear they are about ready to call him Sir Nancy, and I’m having horrifying flashbacks to junior high gym class. "Stop calling me names, I will never get up that damn rope!"
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Sorry, I was having my own version of a stress-induced hallucination there. As I was saying, the knights find Osgar and, I have to say, that with some good clothes, a bath, and three rounds of delousing, he might not be bad looking. Anyway, Osgar sends a few of the knights flying but finally comes face to face with Arthur.
He kneels before Arthur and says, “Do you know who I am?” Arthur replies, “Yes, a sorcerer, a heretic, a murderer, and a Gemini.” Osgar tells Arthur that the gods of the old religion have passed judgment on him and he really, really needs to grab on to this coin so the judgment will stick. And, of course, Arthur, as only a natural blond would do, does it (and hey, I can get away with making these blond jokes, because two of three remaining hairs on my head are, indeed, blond.) Seriously, why does Arthur take the coin? Osgar tells Arthur it is not too late for him to find the right path and then keels over dead. I guess no one in Camelot ever heard the old adage about not shooting the messenger, huh?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Merlin ends up on burial duty and uses a cairn of stones to mark Osgar’s grave, even though the law forbids it. Mordred expresses surprise, but tells Merlin he would do the same thing. Merlin is still wary of the young knight and completely jealous of all the time Arthur has been spending with the youth, but Merlin tells Mordred that a time will come when they will be free to practice their magic openly. Now that Mordred is officially in the “frat,” the guys revert to picking on Merlin, and Arthur even tells him that his “face resembles the back end of a cat.” Oh, snap! Talk about throwing shade! That’s harsh! (And realllllly funny. I am so using that at our next faculty cocktail party.)
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Back in Camelot, Gaius frets over the rune coin, and tells Arthur that the Disir is not to be messed with. Hey, Gaius, you don’t have to tell Arthur that—after Guinevere got a rash from the bottle of Disir he got her, he had to bunk with Merlin for a week! Arthur suddenly gets all fretful: “Why are they judging me? What did I do? Aren’t I the best king of Camelot ever? Is it my hair? They don’t like my hair, do they? Tell me Merlin, is it my hair? Should I go ginger?” And suddenly the scene devolves into a junior-high girls’ sleepover. Wake me when it’s over.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Merlin summons the dragon, who warns Merlin that the Disir mean business. The dragon ultimately advises that it may be prudent for Merlin to eliminate Mordred if he gets the chance. (Umm, hey giant dragon—if Mordred is such a threat, why don’t you kill him? I mean, to Merlin, Mordred is a fellow sorcerer, a knight of Camelot and his social better, and a person who has saved Merlin’s life. To you he’s a canapé. Just saying.) Since Merlin is all green-eyed and jealous, he doesn’t really need to be talked into going along with the dragon’s plan. Gaius, in fact, tries to talk him out of it, but Merlin does not seem to hear him.
Arthur visits Gaius and asks him where the Disir is located. Gaius goes all mapquest.com and Arthur takes his men in force to see the trio of witches. Soon they find the cave where the trio dwell, deep in the heart of the old religion’s stronghold, and Arthur, all arrogant and insolent, goes tromping in with his men armed and moody. They even stomp on the little stick figures that are hanging all around the cave. Uhh, haven’t any of you people seen Blair Witch? Do you know what happens if you piss her off?
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Arthur confronts the Disir, who tell him that he has royally ticked off the triple goddess. A confrontation ensues and Mordred ends up taking the spear meant for Arthur. Hey, congrats newbie, your first mortal wound! Arthur implores Merlin to help him, but Merlin says that Mordred is beyond his help—or is he? We don’t know if Merlin refuses to help Mordred because he does not have the know-how, or if because he secretly thinks it would be better if Mordred were dead. Ooh, internal conflict, my third favorite kind (after man vs. nature and the kind of special conflict that occurs during the Bargain Basement Blowout at Filene’s the day after Christmas.)
The group rushes Mordred back to Camelot. Along the way Merlin attempts to ascertain why Arthur is so hell bent on saving Mordred. Arthur tells Merlin, “he saved my life…for the second time.” Merlin would like to point out that he has saved Arthur’s life 118 times, and still has to pick up the chicken bones the king throws on the floor, but wisely holds his tongue.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Gaius cannot heal Mordred’s wounds, and Merlin refuses to aid with his magic. Only the Disir, Gaius concludes, can save Mordred. So Merlin and Arthur ride back to the Disir (seriously, I hope they are earning frequent galloping miles) and this time Arthur prostrates himself before them, apologizing for his rudeness and acting humble and penitent.
Alas, this does not placate the Disir, who insist that Arthur convert to the old religion or die and everything in is life that he holds dear—his reign, his kingdom, his queen, his collection of Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions—will perish. Oh my goodness, I think I’ve just figured out what the old religion is—they’re Mormons! Who else takes conversion so seriously? I guess we were fooled because we cannot see their magic underwear underneath all those robes, but still! Arthur tells the three women he cannot do what they ask, but they give him until the next day to think about it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Arthur and Merlin sit by the fireside and chat. Arthur is conflicted about what to do. He wants desperately to save Mordred, because the young man did save his life and besides he has the cuuuutest eyelashes, but on the other hand he cannot allow sorcery free reign in Camelot. He asks Merlin for advice and Merlin hesitates. He refuses to answer, then only talks in cryptic nonsense, which, incidentally, is exactly what I heard the last time I called the Dell hotline for help with my computer. Finally Merlin seizes the moment and says, “There can be no place for magic in Camelot,” perhaps condemning himself but surely, he believes, destroying Mordred in the process…
Arthur returns to the Disir and tells them his decision. They are disappointed (to say the least!) and tell him that his fate is sealed. Dramatic much? The two ride home where—surprise, surprise—they find Mordred has completely recovered! Arthur embraces his new playmate happily while Merlin realizes that if Arthur had embraced the old ways then Mordred would have died and Arthur would be saved, though that’s not how he would have seen it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Instead, Arthur did not embrace the old ways and Mordred lives and now Arthur may/may not be doomed. I get a migraine just trying to make sense of it. But I think, in the end, we can sum it up like this: Arthur is maybe doomed, Merlin looks constipated, and I need an Excedrin—at least until next week.
And, by the way, serious props to the first person who can tell me what classic gay-fave the teaser for this recap is a reference to! Post your answer in the comments below!
