I know there's a bit of a debate raging about The Following's "are-they-or-aren't-they" fauxmosexual pair, Jacob (Nico Tortorella) and Paul (Adan Canto). And while this week's episode partly answered that question with a steamy man-on-man kiss, that wasn't remotely the gayest thing about this week's episode.
This was:
This week picked up where last week left off: with a dude in an Edgar Allen Poe mask setting some guy on fire at a hot dog cart in broad daylight - aka, Mayor Bloomberg's crankiest anti-junkfood PSA yet.
But now we know two important things: the perp was a street performer with credentials from the Rip Taylor School of Confetti-Tossing, and the victim was not just some random guy on his lunch break (thank God - because that was really horrifying), but a bitchy book critic who panned Joe Carroll's lousy novel. As a bitchy television and film critic who regularly has to write negative reviews about sub-par works of fiction, that sure is a relief!
Also, this is THE HOTNESS:
Firebug Allen Poe Realness is so my look for spring. Love the bow!
Elsewhere, Claire (Natalie Zea) is still moaning about her kid being missing, Ryan (Kevin Bacon) is still hitting the sauce (leading Parker to call him "Vodka Breath" in one of the ep's few lighter moments), and the house of cards built by sociopathic acolytes Emma (Valorie Curry), Jacob and Paul tumbled faster than you can say "It Takes a Village". Here's how that plays out:
As our unlikely threesome track the Joe-sanctioned chaos that continues to brew in the greater Richmond area, Jacob asks Paul why he can't cut Emma some slack. Paul responds that he just doesn't see in her what Jacob does, and Emma - who is perpetually hovering in doorways waiting for someone to talk about her like an over-the-hill diva in an off-off-Broadway melodrama - barges in and asks what the hell that means.
Turns out that way back in 2010, the cultists helped wee Rick - who looks a bit like an undercooked Tobey Maguire - decide on his signature weapon. They stress that Joe ecouraged them to find their own unique voice, or some crap, and not just to imitate him by gauging girls' eyes out and giving impossibly rapturous lectures about Hawthorne, or some crap. (Kevin Williamson does love his lively classroom debates, thank you very much Scream 2, Dawson's Creek, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, The Faculty, etc.)
We then see Rick pitching the idea of fire to Joe (James 100%PureFoy) in prison, and Joe likes it. Rick also says that he wants his "chapter" to be all about revenge - he'll get revenge on Joe's enemies. Okay, so this whole elaborate, bloodsoaked mess is like that campfire game where one person starts a story and then everybody gets to take a turn making up the next part? Because if anything spells "tight plotting and narrative consistency", it's handing the typewriter over to a new slobbering psychopath every week.
Meanwhile, Ryan and company track down Rick (thanks to some security footage) and they go to his house, only to be attacked by his wife, Maggie, with a kitchen knife. She must get a lot of Mormon missionaries.
Turns out she and Rick are separated and he scares the crap out of her. They even find a police report of a time when she came in with a stab wound - she says Rick stabbed her for asking for a divorce. And then he said he got to keep half of the wound!
Ryan doesn't really believe Maggie, but no-nonsense lady Fed Debra Parker (Annie Parisse) says she does: "She's tragic and pathetic and I know her well."
Speaking of ladies with a bad case of the stabbies, when Paul goes into the kitchen to tell Emma he'd like for the two of them to get along - or at least to pretend that they do - she slashes his arm with a huge knife and walks away, telling him not to try and turn Jacob against her. He also calls her a bitch. He may be on to something.
We then learn how Paul and Jacob came to be the adorable, horribly-named fake gay couple that we met in the first episode. Turns out it was Emma's idea - she knew that lone massacre survivor Sarah Fuller would never warm up to two straight guys and that Paul and Jacob would have a waaaay easier time getting into her good graces if they were a harmless couple of homos who loved having brunch and afternoon crafting. The guys resist, but Emma tells them that Joe thinks it's a great idea. That's all the reason they need: the guys swig some booze for courage and play "gay chicken". Neither flinches and they share a chaste kiss... after which they wipe their mouths and squeal. Nice.
Anyway, back in the present Paul gets mad and grabs the keys to the SUV and runs off. Jacob begs him to stay, saying that their faces are all over the news. Paul tells him, "You're a liar." and speeds off, leaving Emma to make this face:
Later, Paul picks up a pretty Asian girl named Meghan (Li Jun Li) in a Kwik-E-Mart and takes her to a quiet, dark country road to make out and then choke her. She's okay with the making out bit, but not so much with the choking - and when she says she needs to go home, he's a gentleman and opens her door... and then he beats her against the side of the SUV until she's unconscious, which pretty much cancels out the gentlemanly bit.
Also: Holy sh*t these people are sick.
Later, Jacob and Emma hear something in the kitchen and come down to find Paul and Meghan, who is gagged and tied to a chair. He says he's tired of being the third wheel, and now he's not anymore. We flash back again to a very tipsy Paul and Jacob, who are at this point deep undercover as Bill and Willy, or whatever. They've been drinking wine with Sarah, and Jacob tells Paul he gets all touchy-feely when he's drunk. They giggle like schoolgirls and swat at each other, and before you can squeal "pillow fight!" they kiss. They pause, and then they totally go for it.
You know, if this show weren't so proudly disgusting and if the thought of two psychopaths Red Rovering to our team for the sake of a narrative device weren't a bit unsavory, I'd find this scene kind of hot. I'm clearly a terrible person.
Back in the present, Jacob touches Paul's shoulder and offers to help take Meghan to her room. Sorry, did I say "room"? I meant "torture dungeon".
Elsewhere:
- Jordy is tricked into revealing that Rick's wife Maggie is ALSO in the Following. When he realizes his mistake, he uses his teeth to chew at the bandage on his arm, and swallows it until he chokes to death. It's every bit as pleasant as it sounds!
- Mike (Shawn Ashmore) tries to bond with Ryan, but it doesn't work. He does, however, reveal that Ryan has some family-related incident in his past that makes him avoid Albany. Not that anyone should need a reason!
- Poor, hot, hunky Troy (Billy Brown) is killed by Maggie, who is an undercover Followinger, when he's at her house protecting her from her husband. She stabs him IN THE NECK. Ryan leaves him with Mike, who was conveniently not ever at the wrong place at the wrong time and could very well have been the person who knocked on the door and could very well have let Troy die in his arms, no? I'm sure it's nothing - he's way too cute to be a psycho! Right, Paul and Jacob?
- Speaking of bloody stabbings (aren't we always?), Rick also stabbed the dean at the University who didn't give Joe tenure.
- And we saw Joe and Ryan meet-cute over some bloody crime scene photos. Hey wait - did Joe just say that Claire was out "with the little one"? Could that possibly be Joey? If so, Ryan can't be the kid's dad, right?
What We Know
- Joe Carroll is apparently letting his acolytes "write" their own "chapter" of his "novel" about Ryan (""). This likely means that each acolyte's personal psychosis will likely feature heavily into whatever tragedy befalls Ryan and those he loves in any given week.
- Paul is bananas.
- Even with Maggie being exposed as a secret Followinger, there are still at least two confirmed sets of prints yet to be uncovered. Although do we count the lady who put her eye out in the first episode? Has anyone bothered to check her prints yet?
- Part of Joe's revenge scenario involves turning wee Joey into a serial killer at a gorgeously appointed country estate.
- Jordy was a big fan of The Greatest American Hero
What We Don't Know
- What's the deal with Ryan's mysterious family history? Can this possibly factor in to the bigger picture? It seemed as though Joe had Ryan pegged from their first meeting (the booze, etc.) - could this story stretch back much farther than it initially seems? Considering Williams' other slasher revenge opus - Scream - made heavy use of way-backstory for motive, this might not be that far-fetched.
- Was Paul and Jacob's couch-hump a one-time thing, or did it happen every time they broke open the cabernet?
- So was Joey born by the time that Joe and Ryan met, or not? It doesn't seem as though it's possible - if the kid's only eight, he must have been born after they met in 2003. So who was "the little one" that Joe mentioned to Ryan at his house in the flashback? Did the Carrolls have another kid who hasn't been addressed yet?
- What the heck is Jacob all about? So far, of all the acolytes, he's the biggest cypher.
Notably Dead: Agent Reilly (sad-face), Jordy, the Dean of Short-Lived Character Studies, book critic Stan Fellows, Rick (probably)
Notably Gay: No clue
Notably Following: Emma, Jacob, Paul, Rick, Maggie, Jordy (deceased), Ice Pick Lady (deceased)
As for the whole "gay psychos" situation, I have to say while I don't exactly think it's a red-letter day for visibility for there to be a few heteroflexible guys in the cult, I don't find it particularly bothersome, either. In the big picture, let's try to remember that these cultists are all completely insane. And here's the thing about psychopaths: according to some theories, they are unable to experience any sort of deep, authentic emotion. They can only imitate empathy, love, and all the rest of the "nice thoughts" gift basket. So really, Paul and Jacob are not what we could truly label as "gay" - they were two straight guys who simply imitated what their circumstances - namely, posing as a gay couple - dictated to them as "normal" behavior. If Paul wasn't a perfect Kinsey 0 and their in-character dalliances confused him a little more than expected, I think that it has more to do with his utter detachment from reality than it has to do with sexuality.
What I actually find more interesting is that this merry band of attic-painting nutjobs deliberately chose the cover story of a gay couple in order to fit in to normal society - being two men in love was the least threatening thing they could think of. I think that's more interesting a talking point than whether or not two SLOBBERING, UNHINGED, SOULLESS PSYCHOPATHS actually want to get gay married or not.
Moving on.
All in all I thought this was a pretty decent ep. It was lively, it had some genuine suspense, and it made me scream at my screen several times out of pure wrongness. I'm a horror movie nut from way back, but even I can't believe some of the crap they're getting away with on this show - and even I am not a fan of much of the brutality and unflinching, graphic violence. Let's hope it all adds up to something dramatically satisfying.
I'd give it seven out of ten That's So Ravens:
