I watch American Idol for one thing and one thing only, and that's the sight of arrogant young men crying near Ryan Seacrest. I basically got a Trainspotting-sized injection of that sweet fix during Thursday night's solo round show, because there were tears, sniffles, anxieties, and sobs galore. Some were crocodile tears, as the astute barrister Nicki Minaj noted, but every salty drop was nonetheless a spectacle of drama king camp. Mmmmm. My absolute favorite.
The judges pared down the list of competing dudes to 28, and these five contestants were my five top selections of the evening. Grab your hanky, wave it in the air, and then cry into it, because this quintet is one weepy bunch of winners. Miss America-style.
5. Charlie Askew, "Somebody That I Used to Know"
First of all, I'm pretty sure that "Charlie Askew" is the cabaret name of Fran Lebowitz, because I'm getting major Public Speaking vibes from this child. He's like if Fran Lebowitz were played by Vera Farmiga, which is surely the most diabolical idea you've heard this morning. But when you put aside Charlie's astounding look (complete with a shiny Men's Wearhouse jacket and drooooooopy slacks, because Charlie is also part-Savion Glover) and somewhat phony awkwardness, you have a competent singer who picked the right song. "Somebody That I Used to Know" is the melodramatically yelpy jam for Charlie, a nice forum for his youthful weirdness. Too bad his hokey-ass intro about his unrequited love made me want to kick him in the Kimbra.
4. Paul Jolley, "Blown Away"
Caveats everywhere: Paul is shaping up to be this season's Colton Dixon, the clearly talented but unctuous Southern man whose cuteness is marred by his obvious self-satisfaction. Nothing wrong with understanding your own gifts, but to play off that self-belief with compensatory crocodile tears is classically annoying. Nicki Minaj addressed this in splintering detail, which was an utter shock in the world of crybaby-loving Idol. That said: The man is still best described as Anthony Perkins-shops-at-Pac-Sun-in-a-Dinah!-color-palette, so I can't hate too hard. His "Blown Away" was fine, a validation of his talents rather than a great leap forward. I'm worried that his comfort niche is too obvious and predictable now, but I still say his presence is a welcome blast of effete command.
3. Burnell Taylor, "Jar of Hearts"
"Jar of Hearts" was a recurring anthem this episode, but Burnell Taylor's sweet rendition never tripped into "crying clown" territory, and that's what makes his version the standout take. Did I mention I hate this song? So cheesy and fake-emotional. It hits like a Hindenberg of farts every time they use it on So You Think You Can Dance. Just the most boring imagery with the most insufferable angst and the least compelling music. It was the "Anna Nalick's 'Breathe (3 a.m.)'" of 2011. I haaaaaaate that song! Hateyhateyhate. There's no rewind button on an hourglass! Stop pretending that a mixed metaphor is clever! I bet Sarah McLachlan still has to deal with chumps who think she wrote that.
2. Devin Velez, "What a Wonderful World"
"What a Wonderful World" is a timeless song I never need to hear again, but once Devin Velez settled down with his fluttery inflections and began to deliver a crystal-clear vocal on the ole Satchmo standard, I really enjoyed him. In fact, this guy may be more destined for Top 10 inclusion than anyone I've mentioned so far. He has an effortless richness and strength in his voice, and I can't quite say that about many of the dudes in this danceteria. I mean, Johnny Keyser is still around. He is impossible to care about, as you recall.
1. Nick Boddington, "Stars"
The clear victor. Nick Boddington was one of the only gents to play an instrument during his solo audition, and that lends something major to his "artistry" cred during a time when most of these players are still boring us with karaoke overkill. Those anime eyes! That fearless stare! That correct confidence! Everything ruled here, and I only hope he'll transcend the also-ran status of an on obvious forebear like Matt Giraud and scare up a Kris Allen-type following. We shall see. And perhaps weep. Because that is a lovely voice.
What were your favorites from this episode?
