Well, that was a mediocre night of brooding dudes. Remember when I told last night's ladies to "matter more"? Turns out the gents needed the same memo, with one notable exception: The fabulous, high-heeled mess known as J'DA, who announced he was "representing the gays" after his eye-popping, nutty, floor-clutching performance of "Rumour Has It," rocked me, confused me, and ultimately felt... too insane for this universe. We'll get to that in a bit. J'DA's performance, I mean, not the universe where he can live and thrive. That's a couple millennia off.
Just like Wednesday's initial Vegas night, we saw 10 performers croon (all dudes this time), and five earned the right to stay while the other five were eliminated. Let's rank these 10 and sort out our feelings for years afterward with suburban therapist Kara DioGuardi. I assume that's what's she's up to recently.
10. Charlie Askew, Elton John's "Rocket Man"
Let's start with this. This. This person. This red-haired sprite. This hyperventilating ragamuffin and his terrified, weird, pitch-challenged, and ultimately megalomaniacal performance of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Excuse me, Nicki Minaj, but it might be strange to call Charlie Askew "fearless" when he is literally quaking onstage. I actually thought he was going to stop singing and start crying at one point, and that is only acceptable in a dramatic interpretation of Judy Garland's life. Charlie Askew's "charm" has long washed away, and now we're left with someone who is coasting by on what the severely deluded judges are calling showmanship. The only thing he has going for him is he sort of looks like a pre-adolescent Paula Poundstone. That I can support. None of this awkward kneeling or motioning for the audience to cheer louder.
Judges' Verdict: Survived! (WHAT.)
9. Jimmy Smith, Radney Foster's "Raining on Sunday"
Jimmy Smith looks a lot like Josh from Road Rules: Latin America, which is my personal favorite season. Good for him. Otherwise, was this a performance? I barely remember his timbre or style or anything. "Raining on Sunday" is a clinically dull title. I can't be expected to grade this like it was an actual performance when it might've not been one! Let's be safe and move on.
Judges' Verdict: Eliminated
8. Elijah Liu, "Talking to the Moon"
Nicki Minaj declared this child in a shiny coat to be a superstar, but is there a chance he might... not be? Elijah is certainly a candy-sized dollop of cute overload, but this (admittedly good) ballad did not show off either his vocal strengths or ability to connect with a song. I felt like I was watching a Hollywood Round auditioner screw up his lucky streak. Still, it was all worth it to watch Mariah Carey gurgle, "I love that you're Mexican and Chinese; that's a great combination." Can you imagine what racial combinations Mariah Carey doesn't love? "Eli, you're Danish and Lebanese, and I HATE THAT. THINK OF THE CLASH IN COMPLEXIONS."
Judges' Verdict: Survived!
7. Chris Watson, Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay"
Now hear this: Chris Watson ranks among the mega foxes our time. I am being serious right now, because he is so hot, it's... basically unthinkable. He is frankly too hot for American Idol and television. I appreciate that he made his looks less amazing by dressing in what appeared to be Prince's pajamas and at least four of Erykah Badu's headwraps, but i could tell he was Calvin Klein boyfriend material by the time his intro package was over. I confess that Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" is one of my least favorite standards (I'm sorry, I find it so drippy), but I couldn't even recognize the soul of the tune in Chris' performance. It was a standard, slightly songless version, and he only kind of compensated by wearing more rhinestones than Glen Campbell in his heyday. A no-brainer elimination, even with the stunning face.
Judges' Verdict: Eliminated.
6. Johnny Keyser, Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up"
Johnny Keyser has the suspiciously dated looks of an '80s sitcom star like Ted McGinley AND the villain fromHappy Gilmore, Shooter McGavin. I actually get Jack Nicklaus vibes too. Weird, right? Anyway, something is seriously the matter with an Idol contestant who enters the most grueling section of the season with an effing Jason Mraz song. This isn't American Boho Ukulele Skateboarder. This is American Idol. Jason Mraz's songs are definitively un-urgent and un-commanding, so I can't claim to know who Johnny was trying to impress, besides maybe Jason Mraz and his board shorts.
Judges' Verdict: Eliminated.
5. J'DA: Adele's "Rumour Has It"
How could Nicki praise the individuality of Charlie "Wendy's Logo" Askew and fall short on granting plaudits to J'DA? Frankly, J'DA and Charlie hit around the same number of notes, except J'DA owned his strangeness right from the start, thrusted around on the floor like Madonna at the '84 VMAs, and shouted out his homosexuality like a whooping LGBT valkyrie. It's too bad his makeup situation could best be described as "Chernobyl Hits Sunset Tan," but I enoyed how utterly one-of-a-kind this performance/fiasco/triumph was. And according to this Twitter update, J'DA may be the first transgender contestant in the show's history. Honey, call us! We love you and will make fun of Johnny Keyser's sidepart with you.
Judges' Verdict: Eliminated.
4. Paul Jolley, Keith Urban's "Tonight I Want to Cry"
Guys, I don't know how to tell you this, but my crush on Jolley St. Paul has pretty much waned! Where I used to see smart focus and effete command I now see self-satisfaction, smugness, and phony attempts at earnestness. Worse, Paul's song choices are dreadfully predictable. On Thursday's show he selected yet another goopy country ballad (this one belonging to Keith Urban, which also annoyed me) and trilled it with an admirable wail that only sometimes bordered on whining. No one is denying this Anthony Perkins clone can sing, but I sincerely doubt he has any novel ideas for what to do with his voice. Can he at least pick something uptempo soon? Because at this rate, he may as well just hire Lady Antebellum to be his live-in songwriters, because Paul's song choices are the beigest, safest, and dumbest of all.
Judges' Verdict: Tie Vote! Jimmy Iovine intervened and announced that Paul was safe. Phew, I guess?
3. Curtis Finch, Jr., The Carpenters/Luther Vandross'"Superstar"
I don't know when it became permissible to reference "Superstar" as a Luther Vandross track, but I hope the eternal spirit of Karen Carpenter isn't disturbed by it in the afterlife. Curtis Finch is one of those mugging, self-consciously emotional balladeers who sheds Tammy Faye Bakker tears whenever there's a pregnant pause, but I responded positively to his thorough pitch control and church-y conviction. Ruben Studdard resents this guy stealing his thunder, but I feel like Curtis Finch is more of an update of season nine's Michael Lynche -- he's soulful, but just inherently off-putting enough not to be a serious contender for the win.
Judges' Vedict: Survived
2. Kevin Harris, Bryan Adams'"(Everything I Do) I Do It for You"
Kevin Harris' voice boomed with richness like a Midas vault, and surprisingly that sounded pretty appropriate on his version of Bryan Adams' unreasonably popular hit from 1992. Stylistically, I'd call him the male counterpart to yesterday's eliminated crooner Isabelle, whose full and gorgeous tone momentarily made up for a dearth of personality. And yet, make no mistake: I liked Kevin a lot more than Isabelle, particularly since his obvious maturity would be a real anomaly on the male side of this season. This season needs some veterans, and we just lost a confident, fun one in Mr. Kevin.
Judges' Verdict: Eliminated!
1. Devin Velez, Beyonce's "Listen"
With the exception of "Halo," Beyonce's "Listen" might be the schmaltziest moment in her career -- unless I'm forgetting one of Tina Knowles' pantsuits, which she would've decorated using actual schmaltz. Since Kevin is gone, we at least have the adorable, consistently great Devin to hold down the man maturity for season 12. The can-do singer ingeniously shited from English singing to Spanish singing, and while that might seem like too calculated a move at this point in the competition, it did lend some much-needed gravitas to an un-special (and I believe Oscar-nominated) jam. I also have the strange feeling that Devin is sassy enough to be able to pull off a true Beyonce gem like "Lose My Breath." Here's hoping he tries.
Judges' Verdict: Survived!
