(Photos: Warner Bros.)
As fairy tale movies go, Jack the Giant Slayer is pretty middle-of-the-beanstalk. While it may lack a key distinguishing feature that has made certain fairy tale flicks beloved classics (The Princess Bride's witty self-awareness; Legend's visual daring; Labyrinth's enchanting leading lady, David Bowie), it's a handsome, fast-paced, and nimble enough romp through one of bedtime lore's less complicated narratives. Moviegoers looking for a moving or truly awe-inspiring escape might be disappointed, but casual fans of well-staged action, decently-rendered CGI, and stature-indiscriminate sausage parties might want to check it out.
Wait, whah?
It's true: Jack the Giant Slayer may not be the funniest, cleverest, or most rapturous fairy tale movie around, but it is the manliest.
Let's start at the beginning (once upon a time, even), as young farmboy Jack is frightened by a storm and has to be comforted by his hulking but painfully adorable beefcake of a father (budding "It Bear"Tim Foley). Pops tells Jack the legend of the giants, who live in the clouds but threaten to return to earth to eat us all if they can just hitch a ride down. One king managed to rule the giants with a magical crown, but both it and a handful of magical Jelly Bellies were buried with him, or something - Jack listens intently as his giant teddy of a father tells the story, but I keep getting lost in this giant's twinkly eyes.
Aaaanybear, moving on...
Turns out the same story is being told somewhere across the kingdom to a young princess, Isabelle, by her mother, the Queen. Take careful note of these two ladies, because they are literally the only two female characters in the entire film. (see above re: "sausage party")
Years later, Jack (Nicholas Hoult, who has finally grown into his cheekbones and the title of James Marsden 2.0) is tasked by his uncle (his poor papa died of the plague!) to sell an old horse, and anyone who's heard the story knows what happens next. The familiar tale is beefed up with a tiny bit of political intrigue involving a dastardly giant-collector named Roderick (Stanley Tucci), but it's pretty much exactly the original bedtime story from start to finish. Jack crosses paths with a lovely, fully-grown Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson), a bean is dropped into a puddle, and from there the only way is up.
While the rote telling of the classic tale may not win any points for innovation, the all-male presentation of it does offer its share of engaging distractions. Take, for example, the head of the king's guard, played effortlessly by an impressively Errol Flynn'd Ewan McGregor. McGregor is one of those lucky bastards who actually gets better looking as he ages, and he's never been more handsome than he is here in IMAX 3D, proudly modeling form-fitting armor and a vaguely gay mustache. It's probably worth noting that his character pointedly has no romantic entanglements or interests of any kind: is he married to his job, or does the kingdom have a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy? We'll probably never know - but that shouldn't stop us from imagining. This is a fairy tale, after all...
While I'd like to credit gay helmer Bryan Singer for stacking the chisel-jawed extras like too much humpable cordwood in scene after scene, I guess it could technically be coincidence that this fairy tale plays out like a mega-budget Colt movie with all the good parts cut out (please tell me the all-male porn parody, Jack the Giant Layer, is already in production). Third-in-command brute Bald (Mingus Johnston, my favorite new name as well as secret crush - don't tell!), always nearby, may well have just walked off the set of a Raymond Dragon catalog shoot, and even Ian McShane - who usually looks as though he could use a once-over with a Dirt Devil - is unusually striking as the noble, ballsier-than-expected king.
While the evil giants are technically the biggest presence around, Singer wisely shoots Hoult (a dashing enough hero, despite his not having much to do) and McGregor in towering, loving close-ups that make the most of their handsome mugs. Beanstalks be damned - it's a rare treat to watch a movie that has such clear affection for the faces of its leading men. Even the brutish leader of the giants - named General and voiced by the incomparable Bill Nighy - is kind of handsome in a craggy, Bryan Cranston sort of way. (Well, at least one of his heads is.)
While it may have resulted in a somewhat ho-hum final product (Notice I didn't say "Fe-Fi-Ho-Hum" - because Gene Shalit has retired and I've made my peace with that.), I almost want to give Singer credit for not resorting to any tricks to make Jack stand out more than it does. The movie is clean and economical (it's brisk as hell, and despite the fact that it's a padded two-paragraph story it never feels overstuffed), and the fact that the movie doesn't continutally insist that it's in on the joke like so many other movies and shows do ("This is a fairy tale - isn't that HILARIOUS?!") is actually rather refreshing. They could have gone for bigger laughs or more ridiculous action scenes, but instead they opted to play everything fairly straight. This might have been the safest bet, but it also might have been the best. I think about ten minutes of Jack quipping like a snot from Gossip Girl would have been enough to chop the movie off at the knees - instead, it doesn't take big risks, but it works well with what it has.
In the end, Jack is a solid romp for fans of the genre, and doesn't show any signs of disaster that such a long delay in release might have suggested. It's brisk, the beanstalk scenes are suitably vertigo-inspiring (I found the 3D overall to be much more effective than in the 48fps Hobbit nightmare), and there's plenty of large-scale destruction to enjoy. Plus, if your personal tastes run along the lines of seeing Ewan McGregor wrapped in a pastry and baked at 350...
...this is the movie you've been waiting for.
But even those without cannibalistic tendencies or a pig-in-a-blanket fetish would probably agree that this pickle party offers a taste for almost everyone.
Jack the Giant Slayer is rated PG-13 for fantasy violence, harm to pastry, and more militarized eroticism than Querelle can shake a stick at. It opens Friday everydamnwhere.
Jack the Giant Slayer opens nationwide today.
