We knew it was coming, but RuPaul picked a tolerable week of Drag Race's fifth season not to eliminate either of the lip-syncing queens. Alyssa Edwards and Roxxxy Andrews both werqed the hell out of "Whip My Hair," evolving into action figures with wind-up head-spinning capacity. Since we don't have an eliminated queen to interview this week, let's take this moment to reflect on the competition and rank the seven remaining dames. Who's coming out on top? The answer shouldn't surprise you.
7. Alyssa Edwards
I find it so jarring when a queen is baffled by comedy challenges -- worse, I guess, is when she believes she's a contender in comedy challenges when she's anything but. Alyssa's bizarre confidence during last night's roast was so unjustified, I couldn't even look at her at the mic. Her jokeless "jokes"? Her tactlessly mean "punchlines"? They all reinforced a fact that's been apparent for weeks: Alyssa isn't cut out to compete with these dames, even though she did scoop up a victory during the ballet challenge. Admittedly, she brought a whippoorwill's worth of pure power to her "Whip My Hair" lip-sync last night, but it's impossible to root for someone who, at core, seems too immature to excel at the finer points of drag. Remember her wretched Katy Perry impersonation during "Snatch Game"? How can I root for someone who completely floundered during the show's signature challenge?
6. Coco Montrese
Credit where its due: I certainly didn't expect Coco's roast to be an utter triumph last night, but her approach to the whole challenge was a riot in itself. By pretending to be Ru's zany cousin, she got to bring an unhinged energy that set her apart from the other queens, who often felt like reluctant dispensers of tired one-liners. That said: Could Coco's penchant for drama be any more irritating? The show spends an inordinate (nay, sickening) amount of time focusing on her fabricated issues, which gives us less time to focus on the season's greater charms, like Alaska's amazing speaking voice and Detox's constant side-eye.
5. Roxxxy Andrews
To be honest, it feels ridiculous to rank Roxxxy above anyone since she's a real contender to be the most delusional girl left, but I can't deny the starpower of some of her runway presentations. You want to watch her strut, which is more than I can say for Alyssa and Coco. But her presentation during the roast was game-changingly terrible, and now it's only a matter of time before she sashays into obscurity as the clearly worst member of Ralaskatox.
4. Ivy Winters
Now hear this: Ivy Winters could have an awful week at any moment and be sent home. At this point, she's sailed by with mediocre performances in so many challenges that the judges can forget what's valuable about her -- her glamor is apparent, yes, but her undeniable stage presence is also pretty divine. You want to watch that bone structure work. But I'm still recovering from her disastrous "Snatch Game" interpretation of Marilyn Monroe, in which she proved she knew nothing about Norma Jean, her presidential exploits, or anything but her blondeness. This is also the queen who basically ridiculed Jinkx Monsoon for selecting Little Edie as a caricature during "Snatch Game," simply because she didn't know who that was. Alert: How as a drag queen do you not know anything about Grey Gardens? Ugh! History is everything! This makes me miss Pandora Boxx (more so than usual).
3. Detox
Detox has been off her game recently -- notably this week, which was super bizarre considering her gift for comedy -- but her confessionals are routinely the greatest part of any episode, and I think my favorite moment in the whole season is when she threatened Lineysha Sparx before the lip-sync that sent her home, noting that it was a Cher song they'd be competing on, and that Lineysha didn't stand a chance. And oh, that Cher lip-sync: an unforgettable jaw-quavering sendup. Impossible to beat -- just like that time she flashed her ass Hope she regains her mojo in the coming weeks, because the first few challenges indicated that Detox was an obvious challenger for the crown, but now she's slipping into also-ran status.
2. Alaska
Alaska has never won a challenge, but you cannot deny that her hilarious attitude (and damn deadpan voice) set her apart from the wannabes. Take for instance the mini-challenge last episode; the way she approached "the library" by feigning demureness before donning the glasses and tearing her competition to shreds is what great drag is all about. A little bit of guile, a lot of drollness, and flawlessly sassy execution. Her runway presentation could use some sprucing up, but let's not forget how annoying it's been every time she's compared to Sharon Needles, who is in most ways not a fair comparison. Just picture the simple, funny way Alaska says, "Hieeee" when addressed. That's what winning is about.
1. Jinkx Monsoon
To be honest, Jinkx would probably only get third or fourth during most seasons, which indicates that we're in the middle of an officially lackluster year. But Jinkx's triumphs speak for themselves: Her Little Edie impersonation was dead-on (even if she was just lifting dialogue from the original Grey Gardens documentary), her dance moves during the afro-centric mini-challenge were a hoot, and her comic chops during this week's show were strikingly apparent. She's also the winner that the show needs -- a self-possessed, kooky queen less concerned with glamor than panache. She's officially the one to beat, and I don't see anyone outwitting her anytime soon.
