This week’s episode of Spartacus: War of the Damned opens on the picturesque scene of a St. Olaf snow globe. How do we know it’s a St. Olaf snow globe? Because you can only see snow, and nothing else. That, as the great Rose Nylund teaches us, is what a Minnesota town looks like in the middle of winter.
We then focus on a pile of dead bodies (which is probably more of a Crystal Lake snow globe) and a pair of frantic rebels trying to climb up them. The Romans hack them down with spears and add to their grim collection. It appears the opposite side of the trench is heavily fortified. No going through that way! Welcome, rebels, to your very own snowmageddon: Snowstorm Crassus is coming.
The rebels gather, all still wearing their summer peplums. People, please! Didn’t anyone remember what their mothers taught them about dressing in layers, hmm? You’d think with all that driving snow and bare leg someone would have invented leg warmers a little earlier than 1982. The Romans advance, but pause, pinning the rebels between the trench and their camp. Why? They’re waiting for Daddy to come home.
Speaking of Daddy Crassus, he pauses to act like a father and tells Tibby he is proud of how he has been behaving lately. Proud of rape, attempted murder, various intrigue, and double-talking back to dear old Dad? Well, no doubt about it: Crassus is a Roman, through and through. He tells Tibby that he needs him to complete one more task: to rearrange his box. Tibby sniffs, remembering when Sabinus used to ask him to do the very same thing. Tibby opens the chest and, voila, his armor is restored. All is well, and now Tibby gets to fight alongside dear old Dad. Oh, and he also now ranks above Caesar again. That’s going to go over like a dead rebel in a ditch, let me tell you.
As for Caesar, we get a gratuitous scene of him engaging in a ménage a quatre with three lovely, nubile young ladies. Uhh, is it just me, or has Spartacus: War of the Damned been marked lately by a sharp incline in female nudity while simultaneously experiencing a sharp decline in male nudity? Does anyone else find something wrong in this? Wouldn’t we all just prefer a sharp increase in all forms of nudity across the board? When was the last time we saw Crixus’ crack? Or Nasir’s rear? Or Gannicus’… err… umm… Gannicus’ annicus? Maybe everyone was shy of the full frontal this week, given all the shrinkage in the snow. Next time, Spartacus: War of the Damned, have your battle on the beach—more chance for a swim trunk accident where something “festive” can pop out.
As the Romans set up camp, the rebels fret because a big storm is coming. Saxa tries to snuggle up to her man for warmth, and Gannicus wonders aloud if having so many Roman soldiers nearby turns her on. This is Saxa; oxygen turns her on. But Gannicus lets her down—gently—saying they have other matters to tend to.
Elsewhere, the rebel-of-the-day—Brictius, though we should probably call him Bitchius—hammers on a chained up Castus because he is a pirate. Okay, yes, the pirates went to the other side; seriously, that was like two weeks ago. Nasir stands up for Castus, and Brictius says that if Nasir wasn’t Agron’s boy then he’d really show him “the bizz.” Nasir says to never mind about Agron, that if Brictius thinks he is man enough to show Nasir “the bizz” he is welcome to try. I think poor Castus hopes that “the bizz” is rebel code for booty, but, alas, the two men are only preening. Nasir sits beside Castus and he immediately gets his flirt on. Damn, that boy does have good game—and great pecs! (And, I’ve noticed, weirdly painted-on eyebrows. I once had a seventy-six year old auntie with the exact same painted-on eyebrows. Just saying.) Castus asks Nasir for a sword, so he can fight Crassus, but Nasir says that decision is not his to make.
We next go to the rebel hospital, which I’m pretty sure says St. Ignatius on the front. Actually, it’s the medicus’ tent, where Spartacus visits Laeta, as the former tries to convince the latter to eat. Laeta is all, “Whaa, whaa, my life sucks, my side hurts, my wound festers, my husband’s dead…” Geez, honey, get down off the cross, some guy is going to need that wood in about sixty years or so. The two swap tea and sympathy and Laeta asks Spartacus, “How do you move past it?”, referring to the pain and horror he has experienced. Spartacus simply tells her, “Live,” at which point Rosalind Russell chimes in in her nicotine-addled voice, “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” I swear if Lucille Ball breaks into “Open a New Window” I’m going to scream. She ruined that musical for me forever. For. Ever.
Tibby pays an unwelcome visit to Kore. At first his news seems happy to her; once Spartacus has been defeated, Tibby will remain behind in Spartopolis to oversee his father’s operations there. Yeah! Kore thinks she is free from the little creep, except once a year at Saturnalia, of course (and even then, with enough spiked nog, the most annoying relative can be tolerable.) But Tibby says, uh-uh, nope, not so fast. Turns out Crassus is bestowing upon Kore the honor of installing her as villaca in his new home in Spartopolis. To Kore, villaca might as well be caca. You know, I’m having a hard time reading Tibby in this scene. He almost seems to act as if he truly thinks Kore will be appreciative to him. Is he losing it, or does our dastardly twink have something else up his sleeve?
Kore tries to speak with Crassus about the matter, but he is chomping at the bit to head off to war. Don’t you hate it when you need desperately to speak to someone and you keep getting interrupted by pesky things like text messages or wars? She watches as Crassus leaves, unsure of what to do…
At the rebel camp, the big four chat about what to do next. Spartacus cautions using craft and guile. He argues that a small strike force should sneak into Crassus’ tent and murder him in his sleep. Then, when his troops go crazy, they will attack in force. The snow, he says, will provide the cover they need.
The rebels attack under a blinding white blizzard—I had my driver’s license exam under the exact same conditions, and yes I passed, thank you very much—which provides the cover they need. They burst into Crassus’ tent unheard—only to find it empty of anything except poor dead Donar, who is strapped to a cross with the phrase “Mors Indecepta” carved into his chest, which I’m pretty sure is the name of Jared Leto’s band, right? Crassus must be a fan. (And see? Donar gets a shout out here just for showing up.)
It’s another trap! I swear Crassus is better at traps than Team Rocket. A skirmish in the driving snow ensues, and if this is what they mean when they say “reindeer games,” competition to be on Santa’s sled is going to get really bloody next year. Naevia takes a sword in the leg but Spartacus saves her. This enrages Crixus—yawn, seriously, what else is new? I mean what doesn’t enrage Crixus? I half expect to hear him bellow sometimes, “Aggh! Dust bunnies! Vicious creatures! Kill! Kill! Kill!” Crixus goes after the Roman army all by himself for a brief sojourn until he decides that anytime he takes on more men than he can count on his fingers and toes, it is probably not a good thing.
Crassus is not happy that Spartacus escaped his little trap, so he pledges to go up and finish the job himself. He tells Caesar that Tibby is now number two, and Caesar readily agrees before realizing that he meant number two in charge of the Army. Caesar is not happy and rants and raves for a while, but Crassus puts him in his place while Tibby smirks nearby. Caesar finally says, “I merely offer suggestions,” to which Crassus rejoins, “I merely offer command.” Snap! That puts you in your place, blondie!
Kore intercepts an angry Caesar and hints at bigger “to-doin’s” going on with Tibby. Caesar finally tells her to cut the bull, and she says she has a favor to ask him. Intrigue…
At the rebel camp, Sibyl leads a bunch of vestal virgins (or some quasi-virginal religious types) in prayers. Crixus bellows about Naevia being injured and Spartacus being a big wimp. He roars that Spartacus has “been bested by a more devious mind” in Crassus, arguing that they should just attack the Romans and, if they die, at least his mullet finally grew out. Spartacus begs to differ, and the two end up in all out tussle on the cafeteria room floor. Sigh. There is never a hall monitor around when you need one.
Gannicus and Agron finally show up and break the two apart. Crixus storms off, vowing to go it alone. I feel like I’ve already watched this scene eight times this season. Let’s move on.
As the storm is fast approaching Caesar arrives with a little surprise for Crassus—Kore. She says she really, really, really needs to talk to Crassus, and Caesar leaves them alone. He spies Tibby outside, just arriving, and taunts him that Big Daddy in now talking to Substitute Mommy about—something. Seems Caesar never did actually get around to asking Kore what was bothering her. Umm, maybe that would have been a smart thing to do, Caesar? Well, blondes may have more fun, but they probably don’t have more doctorate degrees.
Here’s the sticky wicket: Kore just can not seem to get around to telling Crassus about what Tibby did. Instead Crassus crows about the villaca position being a gift to her, and how much she has helped Tibby grow. Kore seems to believe that nothing could make Crassus turn on Tibby now, or, maybe, she just doesn’t want to spoil the good mood of the man she loves. They two hump like snow bunnies—literally, in this case—while Kore has an intriguing, if ominous, faraway look on her face…
The rebels shiver as Agron pays a visit to Castus. He frees and arms him, and gives Nasir a “don’t you make me regret this” look as he does. Saxa is busy trying to find Gannicus, worried that he is lost in the storm. Meanwhile, Sibyl and her praying pack of Sibylettes decide that they will just let their gods provide them warmth. Gannicus comes along and takes Sibyl into shelter with him under an overturned cart. While Saxa worries about her man in the snow and I am having flashbacks to about a half dozen episodes of Little House in the Prairie, Gannicus and Sibyl get close, share some sweet words, and then do the nasty in the snow. Gannicus pulls off her top and we see a pair of snow globes the likes of which Ma Ingalls never showed off, that’s for sure. The two make the chilly beast with two frozen backs while Gannicus’ woman worries at home.
Laeta chats with Spartacus as they wait out the storm, and she offers to share her blanket with him. Damn, you know that girl will soon be sharing more than a blanket with that man! I tell you, war and snow really do make for odd bedfellows—or, in this case, odd snuggle buddies.
As Crassus sleeps the peaceful slumber of the post-coital, Kore fretfully picks up a knife. Uh-oh. Will she use it on herself? Will she use it on Tibby? Will she use it on Crassus? Will she use it to cut some scallions for a delicious pot of chili? Who knows?
The storm over, the rebels survey the damage. Over 1000 dead, including all of Sibyl’s prayer posse. They’re a bunch of nunsicles now. However, that bad pun gives Spartacus an idea. He realizes that Crassus is all smoke and mirrors, and that the “big fortification” on the other side of the trench probably isn’t very big at all. He feels sure the rebels could take it. But there still is the problem of the trench itself. How to get across?
It’s nighttime, and the rebels are below the walls of the fortification. They use ropes to tear down the walls and scale to the fortification. Spartacus was right—there are only a few hundred Roman soldiers on the other side. The rebels pounce. During the battle, Castus saves Agron. Hey, that was nice of him, but it still doesn’t mean Castus gets invited when Agron and Nasir go down to two-for-$20 night at T.G.I.Fridays.
Crassus is told that the rebels have breached the fortifications, and he orders his men to march there double time. But when he wakes, he realizes Kore is missing. He spies a dead guard (so much for my chili) and realizes she escaped in the middle of the night—to join Spartacus and his crew. Good news for Tibby, bad news for Caesar (who brought her to the camp, after all,) and something tells me that no amount of prune juice is going to make Daddy Crassus happy in the morning.
Crassus, Tibby, Caesar, and some other Romans arrive at the wall and see that it has been breached. But how did the rebels cross the trench? They see that the rebels filled the trench with the 1000 dead bodies of their fallen comrades who died in the storm. So, in a way, Sibyl’s prayers were answered, only maybe she should be a bit more specific next time, or pray to less vindictive gods. Though maybe this is a sign that the group should stop talking about Jupiter’s member. I hear he’s a bit sensitive about it (You know they say about deities: the bigger the crash of thunder, the smaller the…)
Suddenly the rebels attack the Romans from on high! All their shots at Crassus miss, but Spartacus makes sure to throw him a poignant “ha ha” smirk as the Romans fall back (hey Crassus, you fell back this time—whose butt should be getting decimated now, hmm?)
Agron says that Crassus will soon return, and in force. Spartacus says no matter; they are out of there. I think they should head to the NCAA Final Four in Atlanta—warm weather, great games, delicious barbecue, and all that caffeine in the Coca-Cola factory will really give the rebels a charge!
