1. Mindblow: I loved the opening Bacharach medley! I bet you didn't, and that's fine. I didn't love Lazaro's weepy drone and lyrical glitches, but Janelle's sweet version of "You'll Never Get to Heaven (If You Break My Heart)," Kree's pitch-perfect "(There's) Always Something There to Remind Me," and Amber and Candice's "One Less Bell to Answer" were inspiringly quaint. I'd kill to hear Amber get zesty and cheeky on "Promises, Promises," but we got a lot of good cute-ass stuff here.
2. There will never be a song as unblinkingly earnest as "That's What Friends Are For." I'm picturing Gladys Knight's mile-wide grin and aping it in horror.
3. The little Ford Fiesta skit where the idols "kicked" around a gigantic inflated soccer ball using their cars was... almost Dada? I couldn't make heads or tails of the "game" they were playing, or if there were rules or even points. I also wondered if Lazaro had been digitally inserted into his car, because the other girls obviously hate his slick ass at this point.
4. I love that Jimmy Iovine is not sold on Angie. She is not impressive! She doesn't even want to be impressive! She is determined to be generic on top of the world. The dove screensaver that played behind her on that piano ballad was about as inspired as she was.
5. I forgot to note that Lazaro wore the single ugliest blue-green suit of all time during his Carpenter-destroying rendition of "Close to You." Confession: Jimmy's remark that he'd rank Lazaro "tenth" out of six remaining contenders was downright mean. I'm not saying I want to hear Lazaro making any noises ever again, but clearly the perspiring, pompadoured child has suffered enough. Lazaro's pained "take it on the shoulder" pantomime following Jimmy's clip was so, so bleak.
6. Kevin Bacon's in the audience! He's wearing his tight leather jacket and V-neck tee as a tribute to Keith Urban, who always wears that stuff in tribute to 2001 Rob Thomas, who wore it in tribute to being the hottest.
7. Never forget Scotty McCreery's phenomenal "ugly cry" from the season 10 finale show.
8. I thought this in 2011, and I still do now: McCreery has a scary, violent energy about him. I'm not calling him a heartland serial killer, but I look in his stone-cold blue eyes and immediately want to listen to Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska.
9. His new song is tolerable! Aside from the opening lyric, "Girl, you know I love talking to you on the phone," of course! Unfortunately, he still looks like a cross between George W. Bush and Clay Aiken, and for that he must suffer.
10. Idol is leaving next week's theme up to a vote: It could be Breakup Songs, One-Hit Wonders (!), something called "Dedicated to Someone Special," Guilty Pleasures, or Unplugged. God, I hope it's One-Hit Wonders. Then Janelle Arthur could pick "Harper Valley PTA" and potentially redeem her entire life.
11. It must be said: Amber gives amazing face during her performances. That glorious take on "I Say A Little Prayer" was Herb Ritts-ready.
12. I am LIVING for that archive footage of Kelly Clarkson from her 2002 audition. We were all so innocent and Dunkleman-shaped back then.
13. Uh-oh. Kelly Clarkson's performance of her new single "People Like Us" is performed in Day-Glo colors in the darkened studio. That is a Ke$ha move, which I generally encourage. This girl doesn't get enough credit for rebounding from her 2006-ish slump (which Clive Davis clearly deemed eternal), but because of that slump, she can sing a rallying jam like "People Like Us" and make it a believable empowerment jam.
14. Looove Mariah's limp hair tonight, which is straight outta her 1997-ish "The Roof" days.
15. Kree and Candice are declared the top two vote-getters, which means America reads only my Idol recap and believes only my rankings. Thank you, nation.
16. But wait! The bottom two are Lazaro and precious-flirty-happenin'-glossy AMBER. Noooo! America, you love me and then spurn me. Which usually means I want to date you.
17. During the last commercial break, the cameras keep rolling and we watch the contestants hang out backstage in the corner of our screen. The revelatory moment: Nicki and Mariah never come close to speaking to each other. Glamor!
18. Oh my God, Amber is safe and Lazaro seriously got the lowest amount of votes. That is shocking. Vote-tracking websites put him at the top of the pack last night with Candice. Hmm. I want to celebrate America's new-found taste, but I find these results, personally.
19. Lazaro's rendition of "Feelin' Good" is slightly better than other things we've heard from his mouth recently, but Randy essentially starts screaming "LEAVE" before he hits note one. I can't help but notice than Angie and Janelle look 100% pleased with this outcome.
20. Oh, Lazaro. You became insufferable, but you will always be the shiny H&M bandito with the gay-porn-Aladdin looks I like. <3
What'd you think of these results? Besides obvious glee, if you are truly a thinking human being?
