I don't know how to tell you this, but within the first six minutes of last night's The Good Wife, Alan Cumming kicked a swivel chair across the room, sneered at Jackie Florrick like the fanciest, nastiest "Vogue" backup dancer of all time, and suffered a conniption that I'd describe as "asthmatically debonair." It was heaven, ladies and gentlemen. And it was us. And then the whole episode decided to be gay. Which was both awesome and a little weird.
Get this: In the featured case, a collegiate water polo player died in a hazing ritual, and Diane and the opposition argued about whether the event was a black-on-black hate crime, a hate crime against a gay man, a hate crime against a "swishy" heterosexual, or none of the above. Strange, and troubling, and almost deep. We'll get to specifics momentarily, but you should know that the best thing about last night's episode was the absence of a "sexy" Kalinda storyline this episode. I mean, phew. That's the real reason I'm calling this the best hour of the season so far.
Here's what else mattered from the episode entitled "Don't Haze Me, Bro!" (besides that the title is awful -- come on, Good Wife, if you're going to reference an old viral video, you may as well go full camp and call it "Leave Haze-ney Alone!")
1. Let's take a look at that swivel chair assault.
Eli Gold had a helluvan episode wrangling Jackie Florrick, Peter's mother who had a stroke and is (allegedly) just fine now. While speaking to a small congregation of rapt ladies, Jackie announced that women have always chased her beloved son Peter around. Always! How cute is that? Her advice to Peter: "Beat them off with a stick." Wow. Eli caught wind of this PR nightmare and unleashed a foot full of angst at the aforementioned chair. Look at that Office Max item fly. It's sailing off, stage right! It's moonwalking in time with Eli's Michael Jackson leg wiggle! Later in the episode -- after Eli and Alicia successfully drew public focus away from Peter's rumored infidelity and Kalinda deduced that Peter Florrick's accuser was an obvious liar -- Eli would receive another shock when a rogue blogger called to say he was going to publish the affair story and ruin all the good work Eli had done. See? More stress for Mr. Gold. But more stress means more Emmy chances, and we all want Mr. Cumming to strut off with a statuette soon, right? Right. Here's hoping Jackie sets herself on fire in front of a crowd next week, and Eli has to put it out using only sneers and cubicle furniture.
2. And now, for the most gorgeous witness you'll ever see.
Witness. Can I get one? Because this witness is the finest. So let's have more witnesses, ones that look like him. Thanks. Sure, he's aware that the dead hazing victim's water polo teammates call him "Mary" in homophobic ways, but let us never forget his fine costuming and PERFECT bone structure. PERFECT Seriously, he's like half Don Cheadle, half Jerell Scott from Project Runway, but with those cheekbones, still 75% Cate Blanchett.
3. Maura Tierney, you still scare me. Am I on to you?
Yep, mysterious Maddie Hayward is back, and she's out having casual drinks with Alicia, who seems to appreciate the company. In fact, she gets drunk and can't pronounce "Almodovar" for some reason. Stop it, Alicia.
Can we please look at the look in shady Maddie's eyes right now. Is she feigning camaraderie? What's she hiding from Alicia? Why does she respond to Alicia's confessions about the Peter situation with phony words of comfort like, "That must be very hard for you"? She's just unnerving me. I can't detect her endgame, and I suspect it's a crazy one.
4. Fire this judge.
I've been disappointed with the judges in recent weeks, and this episode was no exception: We were treated to a mugging, glibly self-assured dude whose over-the-top reactions wouldn't feel out of place in an Agatha Christie whodunit. To be fair, he had a lot to react to: Diane argued that the hazing victim's university was liable for his death because school officials were aware of the water polo team's despicable hazing rituals, but Diane's opposition (John Glover!) argued that the death had to do with either black-on-black hate or homophobic hate, motivations that the university knew nothing about, since the victim was gay! -- well, no, wait, he wasn't gay. He was sort of gay-acting, allegedly. "Swishy," as the lawyer noted. Yes, swishy. I don't know what 1971 gay thesaurus Mr. Glover is using, but he threw "swishy" at the world and we were expected to tolerate it. And this judge, a vision in his vermilion sweater vest, blurted in the middle of the debate, "I might seem gay until you find out I have a wife!" Oh? OK. His broad gestures and hammy dialogue reminded me of Chris Parnell as Dr. Spaceman on 30 Rock, and that couldn't have been intentional. Let him fade now into an eternal vermilion sunset.
Yet it was even more bizarre (in a more positive way) to hear Diane proclaim, "There are effeminate homosexual and heterosexual men, and that's why the essence of gayness is an act!" Actually, Diane, the essence of gayness might be the phrase "the essence of gayness." Start there and work your way up.
5. Did I mention that Jackie sees bugs wherever she goes? Because she does.
So Jackie, whose bill of health is officially not as spotless as her doctors think, keeps having unreal visions of crawling bugs. They're on podiums, in her drink, and probably all over her Pepto-pink wardrobe. It's a gross vision. And these aren't just any bugs: They're terribly rendered CGI bugs. If you can remember what the rhinoceroses looked like in Jumanji, you can understand the level of realness we're working with here. I'm soooort of intrigued with what I assume will be her major presence this season, but because of Jackie, we had less room for <3 Cary's <3 comeback this week, which only amounted to an abrupt reunion with Alicia and a vague conversation in the office with a legally troubled blonde prostitute. Huh. CARY, PLEASE BE IMPORTANT NEXT EPISODE. THANK YOU THE MOST.
I'll leave you with the episode's most astounding (real) vision: Diane putting her feet up after proving that the hazing victim's death had more to do with a university-recongized feud between fraternities than anything else. This is a woman who's earned a barefoot breather.
What'd you think? A fairly engrossing episode, no?
