Dear Lord. After a sprawling, whiz-bang premiere, this week American Horror Story: Asylum slowed down the pace just a titch (what, no aliens this week?!) but still managed to pack in an exorcism, a hit-and-run, and some awesomely bitchy dialog. Let's visit Briarcliff and see what's up with our favorite crazies, shall we?
Jenna Dewan Tatum screams and runs, screams and runs. This must be what Justin Bieber's life sounds like. She grabs Adam Levine by his remaining arm and tries to drag him to safety - but just as she gets him to the big steel door, Bloody Face grabs his legs and yanks him in the other direction. Make a wish!
Unfortunately, he doesn't snap in two. She slams the door and watches through the glory hole as ol' Parakeet Puss perforates her hubby with his lobotomy-thingy:
Bloody Face then starts banging on the door like it was a Wal-Mart at 2am on Black Friday. Okay - I get that they're trying to stretch Adam Levine's cumulative 90 seconds of screen time as far as possible, but can we resolve this bit, already? We've got crying nuns to catch up with!
We cut to the sound of someone beating on the front door of Wendy and Lana's lovenest - only Lana is of course not there, and Wendy (Clea Duvall) is weepy over the fact that she just had the Laverne to her Shirley committed to an insane asylum (and you thought YOUR girlfriend was passive-aggressive!). Fortunately, two new lesbians are there to comfort her - Lois and Barb. (I'm seriously not making up any of these names.)
Barb is a ginger in the Emma Pillsbury mold, and she warns Wendy: "Don't answer that. There's a killer of women on the loose!" I wouldn't be surprised if she were Windexing a grape just below frame.
1964
Lois - the husky, predatory, awesome one - is clearly taking advantage of Wendy's momentary singleness and weakness for white wine to make a move on our lovely shoolmarm. But Wendy's too upset by the fact that she just locked her lady love in with Bloody Face to notice. The hammering on the door gets more persistent, and brassy broad Lois heaves her awesomely formidable backside off of the couch to open it. On the other side waits the most horrifying sight of the season yet:
Children!
Lois points out that Halloween is still a day away (as promised, the show will again prominently feature a well-timed Halloween episode. Yay! Unless this episode, titled "Tricks and Treats," IS the Halloween episode? LAME.) but these kids are getting a jump on the competish. In a hilariously inappropriate bout of frustration, Wendy breaks down, sobbing: "I don't have any caaandy!" It's moments like these that remind me why I love this crazy-ass show.
Later, after Peppermint Patty and Marcy leave, Wendy treats herself to a hot bath fresh from the Universal backlot. "Wishin' and Hopin'" plays on the record player as Wendy senses that someone is in the house. Sporting the most fetching housecoat since the episode of The Donna Reed Show where Donna tried to seduce Dr. Stone into removing his cardigan on their anniversary, Wendy goes to investigate, and stumbles across yet another terrifying sight:
Yes, those are WOODEN BEADED CURTAINS! [shudder]
Wendy screams, "I'm a school teacher - the children, they won't understand!"
Bloody Face stabs her (we think). Oh dear. Kids, get your GLAAD Visibility Indexes out and grab a red pen - I have a feeling it's gonna be a bumpy season.
CREDITS
(Yep - still creepy.)
Back at Briarcliff Manor, it's time for bed check in the women's ward. Apparently they have a problem with ladies eating their feelings and accidentally sharing those feelings with the rats. Pepper (Naomi Grossman), for instance, is a secret carbo loader:
She's also my hero. I mean seriously, just take another look at that image. Don't we all have a little Pepper in us, just so excited to have a loaf of pullman tucked under our bed to gorge ourselves on as we cry in the dark? I'm a Pepper!
Sister Jude (Jessica Lange) teases the starchy little scamp about the rat problem, asking, "Why can't you get that through your pointy head?!"
Not to be outacted outdone, Shelley (Chloe Sevigny) calls out to Jude that she has a cucumber in her room and it isn't for snacking. No, it's for dipping. In her vagina. Lana (Sarah Paulson) and I both make this face:
Jude has a guard raid Lana's pillowcase (no, that's not a euphemism) and finds her notes about how horribly she's been treated. She demands a phonecall and Jude asks, "Who would you like to call - the American Civil Lesbians Union?" Judges, award one point to the lady in the veil. She also works in a dig about Lana's journalistic career, noting that she's read her fascinating "stories about baked beans" and migrating geese. Tee-hee. Although I do feel that I must point out that pretty much any of Jude's lines can be cut and pasted into the mouth of Nana from The New Normal. Any thoughts on which one would win a game of "Yo Mama"?
As Jude stomps off on her continuing quest for Mother Superiority, Lana warns her that she doesn't need the notes because she has an excellent memory. Jude growls, "We'll see about that." and makes this face:
Sister Bitchface immediately visits Dr. Arden (James Cromwell) in his office and wastes no time asking him to give "That sapphic reporter" electroshock therapy to cure her of her troubling memories. Arden points out that the last time he mentioned that procedure she called it barbaric but she says "I prayed about it" and now they're totally five-by-five.
Moments later they're holding down Lana and preparing her either for electroshock treatment or a routine sideburn wax:
Turns out it's the former - and yes, they do go through with it, with Arden forcing Jude to hold the little turkey leg electrode booties to Lana's temple while he gives her the juice. It's horrifying. I actually screencapped it but can't bring myself to post it.
But salvation is near: La Quinto!
Yes, our reprieve from all of this madness is the arrival of the always delightful Zachary Quinto as Dr. Oliver Threadson, a psychiatrist who has been imported from the set of a 1930's gumshoe picture:
"I was minding my own business - that business being a hangover - when SHE walked into my office..."
...to evaluate Kit's sanity. Kit (Evan Peters) isn't trusting him, but when Threadson offers him a cigarette, he plays nice. (Actually, Kit dives for a cigarette on the way in and later is seen eyeing Lana's extinguished cigarette in Jude's office. What's up, smokeypants?)
Threadson thinks Kit is manipulative. Kit says Alma's body had no head, so he doesn't believe it was her, and she's still jetting about in outer space. Threadson's diagnosis: "A cute clinical insanity." He sure got the "cute" part right:
Anyone else getting a bit of Van Hansis from Kit?
Outside, Sister Mary Eunice Whoopsies (Lily Rabe) is walking with Dr. Arden. He forces her to take a bite out of a caramel apple for no reason other than to give us this image:
It's glorious.
He also refuses to tell her what's in the woods. On the way back in, Shelley spies on them from an upper window.
In the common room (cue The Singing Nun), Lana still has her memory - but she's writing things down just in case they fry it out of her after lunch. She hears Kit talking to Grace (Lizzie Brocheré) about escaping and it jogs her memory about the tunnel:
Well, either that or she was listing her favorite New York City nightclubs from the late '80s. "New York's hottest club ... is SISTER JUDE." </stefonvoice>
Dr. Oliver complains to Sister Jude that he's witnessed appalling things since arriving - she rather smartly replies, "It's a madhouse, what do you expect?" They're interrupted by the arrival of a new patient...
In her office, Jude tells distraught Mr. and Mrs. Mudge that she's an expert on "good boys gone bad" and has broken her share of chronic masturbators. NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING. Dr. Oliver interrupts and noses his way into the parents' good graces, much to Jude's annoyance. Turns out their 17-year-old sone Jed hears voices and just the other day killed and ate their prize guernsey:
What, they don't dress for dinner in New England?
While it might look like a reindeer, a guernsey is apparently a cow (and also a street near my old apartment in Brooklyn). At any rate, he seemed to enjoy himself:
"I hereby declare this possession ... DELICIOUS!"
Jude laughs at Oliver's shock at the "unholy" account, and they go to see the mad cow-eater in question. Jed (Devon Graye, whom you might recognize as Young Dexter from the early seasons of Dexter) seems calm but scared at first, but before you can say "Your mother sucks c*cks in hell," he's speaking in tongues and hurling insults a la Linda Blair. Oliver remarks, "This boy needs to be medicated immediately." Atta girl!
Jude counters, "No, that's not what this boy needs." Buzzkill.
Down at the hydrobaths, Lana and Grace are strapped into their tubs like little canned hams. Grace breaks out of her tub with a tiny knife and a well-placed Clue reference, and then she helps Lana out of her tub before sauntering bare-assed over to the window to get all reflective and French. Lana admires the view and then tells Grace that she knows of a way out. Grace is disbelieving at first, but when she's onboard she tells Lana that they have to include Kit. Lana isn't into it. There's talk of "the person she loved most in the world betrayed her."
(St.) Elsewhere, Shelley ambushes Dr. Arden and tries to get him to let her outside using all the tools in her box: seduction, blackmail, and crazy-eyes. She threatens, "I saw you flirting with Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity!" Arden throws her away and calls her a whore. She points out that "if men like sex, no one calls them whores." She then says that she started masturbating at age 5 and that her mother made her wear mittens to bed. Oh dear God. So much wrong.
She then recounts the story of how she got to Briarcliff: apparently she started hanging out with - GASP - jazz musicians. I think we've heard enough. No, it gets worse: She ended up banging two guys from the Navy and her husband wouldn't accept that she did it for her country. Well, it rhymes with "country", anyway...
Shelley says plain and simple: "I like sex. That's my crime." Arden calls her a whore again. He's uninventive - that's his crime!
The exorcist arrives
Looks like they've called in a "specialist" for young Jed in the form of an exorcist, who arrives in an appropriately homage-y shot to the classic horror film. Oliver marvels to the Monsignor that he MUST be joking: "This isn't the Middle Ages, it's 1964, for God's sake! We have THREE television channels now!" The priest rolls up in a wheelchair and he's as delightful as you'd imagine. He says that he's glad Oliver is joining (for medical reasons, being the only doctor around), because he likes having an unbeliever in the room.
Grace tries to get Lana to spill the baked beans about the tunnel, but she won't budge if Kit is in the picture. Kit, in turn, steals Lana's newest notes, saying that he can keep them safe and asking her to trust him. She's not feeling it. They all get sent to their rooms because mommy and daddy have a demon to deal with.
"This boy needs an exorcist! And White Strips. Lots of White Strips."
Jed's pulse is almost nonexistent. As is the tact of the priest, who points out, "This is no place for a woman" and kicks out Jude. She takes it as well as you'd expect, which is not.
Jed speaks in more tongues.
Arden lights candles in preparation for what looks like a date. A comely blond arrives and does her best Megan Mullally as Julianne Moore:
She actually bears a striking resemblance to Sister Whoopsies and oh yeah also she's a hooker. Seems that Arden is on the fence on the whole "whore" thing after all! She makes an ill-timed confession about the fact that she finds "big c*cks erotic" and he makes it plain that he doesn't like vulgar talk. He does, however, like Chopin.
Arden opens his finest bottle of red herring wine and toasts her, but she won't drink, saying she prefers to keep her wits about her.
She offers to dance for him but he tells her to sit the eff down and makes a vaguely threatening comment about Bloody Face while carving meat. Nope, nothing to see here.
Jed tells Oliver, "I see what you've become - I'm glad I gave you up." Huh? He then tries to lick the Monsignor (NOT THAT I BLAME HIM), bringing me my favorite image from the episode:
Jed throws the exorcist across the room, which entices Jude to come back in. He makes passing reference to "that smelly clam between her legs" and the "53 c*cks" that she's had, as well as her red lingerie. We see Jude in a flashback ... and she was - GASP - a jazz singer!
Jude the gin joint Jezebel! I bet she rouged her knees and rolled her knickers down. She sings, slowdances with a soldier who leaves her to go home to his wife and baby, and knocks back some martinis before getting behind the wheel:
Atta girl!
Oh - then she drunk-drives over a little girl in a blue coat:
Whoopsies! (No, sister, not you - we'll cue you in a second.)
Jude, apparently unhappy with this particular jaunt down Memory Lane, slaps the living sh*t out of Jed. He says that he's not into getting beaten, unlike SOME OTHER PEOPLE HE KNOWS, like maybe dear Sister Whoopsies: "It's you she thinks of when she touches herself at night!" Uh-oh. Better get that girl some mittens!
Oliver gives Jed a shot, and the lights go out. Like, for real - the whole asylum loses power.
Lana gets up and all the doors open on their own - she finds Grace bathed in the red emergency lights and they run together toward the tunnel...
Jed goes into cardiac arrest, and Oliver tries to give him mouth-to-mouth. I rewind to make sure he's doing it right.
Grace wants to bring Kit along, but Lana won't have it. Grace grabs Kit's hand and they run for the door that leads to the tunnel ... and Lana screams for the guards. Ohhhhh what a bitch.
Jed jumps up and then falls back, dead. At that very moment Sister Whoopsies appears in the door behind Jude - she stiffens, her head thrown back, and then she falls to the ground in a dead faint:
Oh sweet tapdancing St. Peter YES.
We've got a possessed nun, people.
Back over at Dr. Arden's, he has his hooker dressing up as a nun in the bedroom. She's putting the final touches on her non-makeup when she finds a box conveniently lying ON TOP OF THE DRESSER filled with photos of women in bondage, some with their heads x-ed out, and what might be photos of cadavers. It's lovely. She freaks and knocks over the box, and Arden charges into the room. He forces her onto the bed and orders her to show him her mossy something-or-other.
Instead, she bites him, knees him in the crotch, and runs:
Atta girl!
The next morning Arden appears in Sister Whoopsies' room as she sleeps. She wakes up and, embarrassed, he retreats. We can tell from the look on her face that she is, indeed, possessed ... by the spirit of a dewy, peak-years Julia Duffy:
(Seriously, Google her and tell me I'm lying.)
Lana is smoking a bitchstick in Jude's office. Jude enters, puts it out in Lana's water glass, and tells her that she deserves a reward for ratting out Kit and Grace like that: she gets to watch Jude spank their bare asses with a stick. Okay, I was thinking something more along the lines of an extra scoop of gruel at dinner, but I'm always up for a show, sure.
Jude brings in the kids and makes Lana pick out a cane - the one she picks is of course not big enough and she makes her choose again (these nuns are such size queens!). Lana tells her she's sick, and Jude replies, "Don't make me change my mind, Lana Banana."
She lines up the bare buns in the most aggressively asstastic close-up I think I've ever seen on basic cable, and moves in to begin the whacking. Lana apologizes but Grace hisses, "Screw you, Judas bitch!" Kit interrupts Jude's first swing and offers to take the beatings for the both of them, because his magical ass can take any amount of abuse and still look poppin'-fresh after. Jude calls him "Sir Galahad" and begins the 40 lashes:
SCENE
Oh Mylanta. Where to begin?!
Creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have stated that while Season 1's "House" tale was their horrific take on a family drama, Season 2 is a no-holds-barred take on a workplace drama. Well, they've certainly gotten the "drama" part right - these people have more issues than Harper's Bazaar. Anyway, while I LOOOOOVED Season 1's gooey supernatural center and haunted house concept - which relied heavily on jumps in time to flesh out the story and keep things moving - I'm starting to get into the new groove, which comes from Briarcliff's naturally more sprawling setting. In a way it's much straightforward, as things are playing out more or less chronologically and there are far fewer "rules" to attend to (what ghosts can or can't do, what the house could or couldn't do, who was killed when and by whom) than last season.
That said, the echoes continue to emerge: Jude and Pepper are very evocative of Constance's horrific mothering of Addy (and Jude isn't as far a cry from Connie as we were led to believe, is she?) and the underlying themes of guilt and redemption are on proud display yet again.
I'm left wondering just HOW much guilt-and-redemption this very Catholic-rooted series will dole out. Will sinners be punished? I leave you with this image as you mull that over:
I'm also SO EXCITED at the thought of Sister Whoopsies doing something OTHER than falling to blubbery pieces over abandoned checkerboards - as amazing as that may have been the first 34 times we saw it. Will she be the one to take down Jude? Will we ever find out what happened to that alien chip baby that came out of Kit's gorgeous, swan-like neck? Who the hell is under Bloody Face's mask? And will this be the season where La Quinto finally droups trou and shows us his real dark side? Only time will tell.
A few other random observances:
Nice diopter shot, Mr. De Palma:
Faye Dunaway called, and she wants her scenery-chewers back:
Paging Dianna Agron: Halloween idea!
Cute Guard Alert! (We may need to make this a regular feature...)
I'm including this image for snicks, who may find it harkens back to another asylum moment featuring one Neely O'Hara:
And finally, Jed takes Kit's upskirt torch and sticks it in his undies runs with it:
Thanks to the encouragings of beloved reader Carlos and the fact that Murphy and Falchuk seem committed to bringing the crazy again this year, I'm going to reinstate last season's 3 B's rating system: Blood, Beasts, and Buns. (This system is of course based on legendary B-movie critic Joe Bob Briggs's "Blood, Beasts and Breasts" scale.)
Blood - 7/10
Thanks to Jed's little dinner party in the barn and Adam Levine's ongoing scuffle with Bloody Face (not to mention Bloody Face him/herself), this episode scores a respectable 7 on the red stuff.
Beasts - 5/10
No aliens or castle freaks (or whatever the hell Dr. Arden is feeding) this round, but the prize guernsey was a nice substitute ... for dinner!
Buns - 10/10
Buns buns buns!! Seriously, that close-up of Kit and Grace's mudflaps (which was so ridiculous that I couldn't find a cutout of Sr. Whoopsies large enough to meke safe for work) was a thing to behold. I was over the moon(s). Toss in Jed's red-stained rump and Grace's bathtime bubblebutt and we've got a perfect score in the pooper department.
Diagnosis
Not bad! I think my professional diagnosis would be: Acute anxiety and paranoia with a mild eating disorder.
Or, in the words of patron saint Barbra Streisand, eight Nutses:
But that's just one whore's opinion. What did YOU think of the episode?
