So. That twist. Thanks, Julie Chen? Am I wrong to hate this?
Big Brother hyped the "America's Vote" twist for some time, but I didn't realize just how depressing it'd be in actuality. Now that America has voted to let the coaches compete as contestants, guess what the last three weeks of competition mean going forward? Nothing. The coaches are on level playing ground with their proteges and the teams/aliances have been dissolved. From a gaming perspective, this isn't fair to previously eliminated contestants: Jodi was eliminated because Dan, a coach at the time, was given the dictatorial power to off one of his players. Jodi never had the same opportunity, yet Dan's now Jodi's equal as a competitor. That's annoying. Maybe the every-man-for-himself format will be more entertaining than the stilted hierarchy of coaches and players, but it's still not fair -- even to JoJo, who was the most embarrassing Staten Islander since the last time I saw a Staten Islander on reality TV.
But we're stuck with the new format (and Frank and Joe too, since there was no elimination this week), so let's make the most of it and number our five biggest wishes for the season going forward.
1. The newbies team up against the veterans.
Anyone who survived last season's awful batch of newcomers -- including the dim Adam, the cipher Porsche, and the smart but gameless Kalia -- knows how frustrating it is to watch a handful of veterans decimate a larger group of newbies. It was almost embarrassing. This time, the smart amateurs have a chance to reverse that insanity, with clear frontrunner Shane leading the revolt. Jenn, Joe, and Ashley, it's time to prove your worth.
2. The HOH challenges get less physical.
Personally, I'm rooting for more mental challenges in the future. Maybe this is a gut reaction to Shane's incessant physical prowess, but I want the game to find inventive ways to give players like Ian and Britney more of a chance.
3. Janelle outlasts the other coaches.
It's what everyone wants, but it's the right thing to want. Janelle is a game-conquering Mattel giant whose intuitive skills far exceed those of her fellow veterans. Yes, she has the emotionality of collagen, but that's what makes her lovable and just right for Big Brother. Nothing sticks to her; she's a stoic pile of reliable instincts, and she's a killer physical challenger on top of it. I'm not positive I want her to win because she's already been given two chances, but I certainly want her to outplay Dan, Britney, and the glibly egomaniacal Boogie.
4. Shane falls victim to a shirt allergy.
Shane, are you done with shirts yet? It's about that time. I hope your t-shirts are soaked in sawdust and a violent allergy prevents you from wearing upper-body apparel for the rest of the season. Finding opportunities to be shirtless is a way better hobby than locking lips with Danielle, whose showmance potential is slim and boring. Thankfully, Shane noted that he has no time for such flings, which leads me to believe he's devoting more of his time to baring those picturesque nips. Go for it, dammit.
5. Ian takes it all.
I'm with Julie Chen: Ian is fascinating. He's erratically behaved, weirdly cute, emotional, smart, and quite conscientious. He's the only true "wild card" in the house, and Big Brother could stand to hire more unpredictable types. These contrived JoJo/Joe types are poison to me. Give me legitimate peculiarity from a nerdy Tulane undergrad with potential Asperger's, thanks.
What are you hoping for? Don't tell me you're sympathetic to Boogie now because he didn't vote for the twist.
