God, I love people who call out reprehensible social behavior. They're my catnip. At the end of Wednesday night's Survivor, my girl Denise officially ascended to sainthood when she read the increasingly ridiculous Abi-Maria like The Well-Tempered Clavier and called out her nonsense, note for note. It was heaven -- which I feel sort of bad about, because although Abi-Maria is one of the great earsores in Survivor history, she's also so helpless that her idiocy should be lamented more than lambasted. Still, Denise is the Mother Cabrini of Kickassitude, and to her I say, "All hail."
And here are five other issues that mattered from last night's episode, which should really be titled, "Sobby Abi is So Sawwy."
1. Abi's version of "conversation" is always a treat.
I can't say I'm a true converted fan of Lisa Whelchel's because she ends too many of her confessionals with, "You know, I think this game will really help me out IN LIFE too" but I can sympathize with her sympathetic nature. That's why it's so effing hilarious to see her tangle with Abi, the most unsympathetic television character since, uh, Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? Vietnam on China Beach? Cousin Oliver? The Lassie dognappers? Were there dognappers on Lassie?
As people like Penner have demonstrated, there are diplomatic ways to turn down an alliance. Abi chose another route when finishing up a chat with Lisa.
"I'm not going to try any harder [to align with you]," she spat. "If that's how you feel, there's nothing I can say. Clearly you're already aligned with them."
Sigh. Flagrant self-victimization. <3
2. A mentally rewarding reward challenge
I have to admit, I didn't know what to make of this weird game at first. Run around and turn things over quickly? Where's the strategy? But then I realized you not only had to be quick to win this challenge; you had to be constantly aware of where your opponent was and where he planned to run next. I was pleasantly surprised to see Skupin outplay Malcolm during one round, but I wasn't surprised when they rematched later and Malcolm easily beat him. That's the problem with Malcolm. He learns from his mistakes and becomes a better player because of them. He is the anti-Abi.
3. Carter's all ready to try out for the Horizontal Olympics
I have to admit, I didn't think I was going to care about this buoy-maneuvering challenge until I realized it would involve Carter grinding against a balance beam like a depraved Olga Korbut. Look, I know Carter has the personality of Jeff Probst's Eddie Bauer khakis, but that's precisely the reason I need to objectify him. He is an asymmetrical frown with abdominals, and I've chosen to celebrate that.
4. Abi and Pete try to save themselves using... tactlessness, really.
You had to love watching Pete, a guy whose dim egotism has long foreshadowed his demise, and Abi trying their hardest to convince everybody they deserved to exist. "I'm truly sorry," Lisa told Abi. "Uhh, I'm kinda in a good spot right now," Carter told Pete. And best of all, Penner laid it all out for Abi and shut down the conversation in one moment of immense truth-telling: "You went far in the game, you did well, and you're not going to win this time." Fire!
5. Denise reads Abi; Abi hates being a book.
And now, my favorite quotes from the truth-spewing geyser named Denise, who did her best to tell Abi-Maria why she is a social disease with Bubonic Plague potential. First, she assured Jeff that it wasn't a cultural barrier that estranged Abi from social acceptance.
"I've spent much of my life with many people [who don't speak] English as their first language," Denise said. "They're helpful, they're kind, they're just many qualities that are not a part of who Abi is."
Ouch! And yet, the double and triple ouches were yet to come. She added that she didn't want to use Abi as a goat in the final three because "it's like bringing someone to a poker game who's never played before just so you can steal their money." I mean, that is poetry. Samuel Denise Coleridge. Edna St. Vincent Denise. e.e. denise cummings. Whatever way you put it, she destroyed Abi (whose partner Pete was eliminated since she played her immunity idol), who still found time to scream, "I didn't realize I was that hated in the game!" Here's a question: What do you realize, Abi? Literally name one thing. Start there.
What'd you think of last night's ep? But here's a more important question: Is the winner of Survivor: Philippines almost definitely going to be either Malcolm or Denise? I'm thinking yes.
