Judging by the utter Twitter pandemonium that ensued during Lifetime's premiere of Liz & Dick last night, this isn't the last we'll be seeing of big-name tabloid stars vamping it up as screen legends in mediocre (I'm being kind) TV movies. Well, if that's the way it's going to be, I say we take ownership.
Dear Lifetime: For your next mind-numbing foray into classic Hollywood, might we suggest these five crackerjack casting suggestions?
1. Taylor Swift as Veronica Lake
She's already got the lovely locks and those perfectly puckered lips. Perhaps Taylor Swift is just right to play the legendary beaut of Sullivan's Travels who spiraled into unemployment and drunken breakdowns before she turned 30. If Swift is fit to play Joni Mitchell (which is something you may have to deal with), surely she's ready to play one of the fairest ingenues in Hollywood history.
2. Lana Del Rey as Jane Fonda
Jane Fonda is my favorite movie star of all time, and I'm protective of her. But Lana Del Rey has the nervy delivery and cinematic glumness that defined some of Fonda's best roles in They Shoot Horses, Don't They? and Klute. If Lifetime revisited the troubling and somewhat scarring production of Roger Vadim's Barbarella, perhaps Del Rey is right to play Fonda both as an unwilling sexpot and a burgeoning intellectual.
3. Miley Cyrus as (Young) Bette Davis
Controversy! By the looks of Cyrus' recent stint on Two and a Half Men, she likes brassy roles. And who was ever brassier than Bette Davis, even in her early movies like Jezebel and Dark Victory? Lifetime, go for it. Bette would think it was funny.
4. Jessica Simpson as Jayne Mansfield
It's not just anyone who can pull off the busty, beaming looks of Jayne Mansfield, the B-movie star whose life ended in a legendary car accident at the age of 34. The fit is just right for tabloid draw Jessica Simpson, who is much less a Daisy Dukes-wearing southern belle than she is a throwback to the big features and grins of old Hollywood.
5. Lindsay Lohan as Lauren Bacall
Why mess with imperfection? Lindsay entranced us with her not-at-all realized portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor, so why shouldn't she try on another legendary wife like Lauren Bacall? Taylor and Bacall have a similar affection for vampiness and drop-dead intense stares, so I don't think Lohan is any less right for this role than she was for Taylor. Besides, she might be a hoot in a reboot of Written on the Wind, wouldn't you say?
What other tabloid connections to old Hollywood would "work"?
