Dancing With the Stars has never been my bag, but the reality juggernaut boasts three big perks: 1) Tom Bergeron is and always has been an exceptional host, and it's nice to see the veteran of Hollywood Squares and the cult FX talk show Breakfast Time helm a hit series with Emmy-winning flair; 2) Carrie Ann Inaba is a great judge; 3) Excepting So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars has given us the hottest men in reality TV history. The constant shirtlessness is a big help.
Since the show just wrapped its all-star season with an all-female Final 3, let's reorient ourselves with a look back at the movers and shakers we care most about: the sweaty, sweaty dudes.
10. Evan Lysacek
Figure skater Lysacek jumped from his gold medal-winning streak in Vancouver to Dancing With the Stars in record speed, and thank God: He was a sexy mover! He also had no chance against the truly spellbinding Nicole Scherzinger, but he gave us plenty of the hip swagger that helps make the Winter Olympics an erotic experience for everyone. And just between us, the glassy aloofness in his eyes is pureAnthony Perkins.
9. Helio Castroneves
The winsome winner of season five may not have fared so well in the current all-star season, but his gigantic grin and apparent passion made for eminently watchable hoofing. Auto racers shouldn't be this sexy, everyone! But when you're from Brazil and an athlete, it's illegal not to be drop-dead hot. I understand his decision to remain scorching.
8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Controversial facial hair decisions notwithstanding, Apolo Ohno is one sexy, revved-up, buff-as-hell guy. There's a Chris Cornell-meets-Disney prince quality to him. Plus, any guy who can successfully pull off a Project Runway judging session and not sound completely out of his depth is A-OK to me.
7. Louis Van Amstel
The sole male professional on DWTS who professes to liking dudes, Louis Van Amstel is basically a miracle in highly polygonal bone structure. He doesn't love the gay "label" (which always prompts me to joke, "You don't like labels? Would you prefer stickers, homo?"), but he did boogie with Margaret Cho. That's some cred. Between us, he might be the most famous dude-who-likes-dudes named Louis V. on the planet. And I can't think of a single person who'd feel bitter about that!
6. Mark Ballas
Hell yes to a cute smile and damn serious body. Mark Ballas seems like a pretty lax guy, and he even once confessed that he'd partner with Ricky Martin if the show offered him up. I obviously apologize for throwing a picture of Bristol Palin into this mix, but you can understand why I made the sacrifice.
5. William Levy
He's called "the Mexican Brad Pitt" (which prompted Tom Bergeron to remark, "Even though he's from Cuba"), but OH MY GOD. This guy was sexy, picture-perfect addition to the 14th season of DWTS, and I hope he returns for the Naked All-Stars Posing Under A Waterfall season that I'm pitching.
4. Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Is he overly cocky? Yes. Is he a little overreactive? For sure. But Maksim's eagerness to rip off his clothes is worth a bouquet of forgiveness. His brother Val isn't so difficult to look at either.
3. Jason Taylor
Let's talk about unforgettable hotness for a moment: Jason Taylor has one of the most striking and gorgeous faces in the history of sports, and although I found his season of DWTS slightly un-compelling, he made up for it with the aforepictured display of abject shirtlessness. Supermodel material, obviously.
2. Gilles Marini
Gilles Marini was so incredible on Dancing With the Stars that he's almost exclsuively associated with that show in the public eye. Well, almost only that show. Marini scored extra points with fans of nudity when he appeared in the Sex and the City movie and showed off every square inch of his insane physique. Every square inch. The kind of square inches that Samantha Jones cares about. Pretty ridiculous that we aren't treated to much comparable male nudity in mainstream movies, wouldn't you say? I think about this a lot.
1. Derek Hough
Derek Hough is the definitive Dancing With the Stars hottie: Not only does he have a smashing bod and a phenomenal record on the show, but he embodies the energized, vaudevillian flair that makes the show addicting to viewers. His hair is also pure John Davidson-meets-John Tesh throwback goodness, and I can't thank him enough for reintroducing that gorgeousness into American living rooms.
Any DWTS hotties we missed that should have been included on this list? Let us know in the comments!
