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Since this was a Survivor episode about important things like God's plan and Lisa's hot brother, allow me to begin with an important confession: I rooted against Malcolm last night. Now stop crying! Listen up! I'm no turncoat and I still want to bathe in his gnarled locks, but it's hard not to sympathize with underlings Lisa and Skupin, who are still semi-oblivious to how sealed their fates are. We're all having such a good time with this delicious Survivor season that we're forgetting how Malcolm and Denise remain this game's unholy, yet even-keel sorcerers. Yes, Denise was almost eliminated last week, but thanks to the control that she and Malcolm exert over Lisa, she's still dominating this island with the sheer force of her 31-pound frame. If Lisa and Skupin have any sense, they'll recruit Abi to vote off Malcolm or Denise next week. But is that even possible? Last night's episode suggested both yes and no.
Here are the important things we learned last night. Pardon if my notes appear scrambled; I jotted them down while never letting my glance stray from the perfect visage of Lisa's brother.
1. Lisa is related to someone hot and strategic!
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When Jeff announced that loved ones would be joining the tribe, I whimpered. I knew this meant a seismic breakdown for Lisa, whose emotions can best be described as "emotional" and "full of other emotions" and "(crying)." When her 20-years-younger brother Justice raced out to hug her, I had several reactions to Lisa's reaction: 1) SHE IS GOING TO DIE. 2) Wow, her whole face is a teardrop now. 2) Wow, when she's emotional enough, Lisa turns into Leona Helmsley (see above picture). 3) Awwwww. 4) Hey! Is that a boneable man she's clutching?
Guys, it sure was. Justice Whelchel is the prettiest little Whelchel relative I've ever seen. He's like Cheyenne Jackson dipped in Matt Bomer, which is one of my favorite murals in my house. Amazingly, he read Lisa's game weaknesses almost instantly and urged her to blindside Malcolm again, sensing that he was the biggest threat in the game. "He'd respect that!" he claimed. And he's right! Not that it matters what Malcolm would think of his own demise, but Lisa's fear of betraying her loyalty is stymying not only her gameplay, but her actual common sense. Honey, this is Survivor! If you vote off one of your friends, you might be doing a great job. Run with that!
2. Oh, no: Denise's first unlikable moment of the season
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Look, I'm even more obsessed with Denise than I am Malcolm. She's smart, articulate, apparently has a 9'4" husband, and looks incredible. At Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin Bryanna yelled at the table, "Is anyone watching Survivor? Has anyone seen that woman with the AMAZING body?" -- apropos of nothing, which should teach you something about my family.
But Denise's sheer amazingness gave way to my disappointment at the top of the episode when, following Penner's dismissal, Denise told Lisa, "I'm really proud of you, Lisa. You stood up for yourself!" Ohhhhh, gag me. That's some Regina George-grade patronization right there. Forgive me for having sympathy pangs with Lisa, but the woman is honestly trying her hardest to ford the ethical quandaries of the game, and when an iron-willed challenger like Denise basically mocks that with faux-congratulations, I cringe. But then again, I'm also mad at Lisa for not recognizing that obvious tactical move. She's comforting you, Lisa. You crave comfort. Comfort makes you play less.
But anyway, now that that's out of my system, I can go back to forging a Denise statue out of butter for entry at the Iowa State Fair. Did I mention that Denise lives in Cedar Rapids and I went to college in Iowa City? SISTERZ.
3. Lisa and Skupin strike an alliance with Jesus, who is also out of ideas.
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Lisa and Skupin were all set to turn the tables on Malcolm following Lisa's magical powwow with her sexable sibling, but since Malcolm earned immunity, they needed to fix their gaze elsewhere. Denise may seem like the obvious answer, but Lisa and Skupin suggested another sinewy beast: Jesus Christ. With their loved ones in tow from the reward challenge, Lisa and Skupin congregated in a circle and prayed for Jesus to guide them (or not guide them, if that's what Jesus wants) and watch over them (or ignore them, if Jesus is not into voyeurism). I admit that Jesus-liciousness is slightly off-putting to me, even if there was nothing too insane about the praying we witnessed. When all is said and done, Lisa is NOT Roxy. But I really just wanted Lisa, Skupin, Hot Justice, and Skupin's Nice-Enough-Seeming Son to howl strategies at one other, get seriously evil, and THEN thank Jesus for letting them be such vicious jackasses. That's what Jesus is here for, if anything. He's here to say, "Oh, you think you're bad? Well then, go on, Blair Warner. You fire."
4. Sigh. Abi isn't interesting enough.
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Yet again, Abi-Maria spent most of the episode complaining that the others find her "too honest" while simultaneously hating them for their honesty. She also clamored again about her Hidden Immunity Idol, which is officially the George Glass of 2012. I really want her to be the wild card in this game, a completely detestable toddler princess with an axe to grind, but the boring fact is that Abi-Maria has zero chance of winning Survivor. Denise pointed that out in tribal council, and it's the kind of thing that makes Abi's time-consuming ridiculousness seem pointless, even in game dynamics. She's not a Wendy Pepper; she's a Rosencrantz/Guildenstern. A nearly nameless pile of nothing. If she's voted out next week, which is what all evidence suggests right now, she'll officially suck because her antics will have led to no permanent marks on the game. But if she unites with Lisa and Skupin next week (which wouldn't be too difficult a decision to make), at least she'll take part in one game turnaround. I'm really rooting for that. Because despite all the reasons she doesn't matter, I'd find it redeeming as a viewer if Abi accidentally mattered.
5. So long, arguably hot Carter.
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Carter's gameless game finally became conspicuous to his fellow players, who voted out his un-allied ass. I felt for him when he approached Skupin and Malcolm, who were agreeing to off him, but obviously Carter's defense about being a worthier player to keep around than Abi-Maria wasn't too sound. I can't blame the producers for not focusing much on Carter as a character -- after all, his confessionals were mostly garbled tropes about keeping a low profile -- but I wish I understood where he was coming from. Surely he knew that all of his fellow players had aligned. What else would they be doing? Making comma-shaped smirks all day like him? If he didn't know of the massive alliance happening around him, then I guess a sixth-place finish is fresh-served justice. Sorry, now I'm picturing Justice being served to Carter. <3
What'd you think of this episode? And who's ultimately toast -- Malcolm and Denise, or Skupin and Lisa?
