I was so wrapped up in Lisa Whelchel's spiritual renaissance, Michael Skupin's weird delusions of grandeur, Denise's adamantium abs, and Malcolm's surprising intuition (for a heterosexual) that I nearly forgot the obvious truth about Survivor: Philippines: We were destined for a predictable ending.
In three short hours of programming -- because Survivor is our generation's Ben-Hur, guys -- Jeff Probst revealed the winner of Survivor's 25th season Sunday night. And the winner? Is only the feistiest little morsel of sinew and sex advice ever to ride a John Deere tractor out of Cedar Rapids, Ms. Denise Stapley. And congrats to her! She dominated the vote, beating out Lisa and Skupin who secured a single ballot apiece, and the best compliment I can pay her is the exact one that Penner muttered as he dunked his ballot in the box: "You played the game pretty flawlessly."
And yet -- and yet -- I feel a little crestfallen that the deeply intriguing, oddly moving Lisa Whelchel didn't pull off a miraculous win. Because let's face it, even though Malcolm and Denise began the game in awful tribe where Russell started fistfights with the gods and people named "Roxy" tried to be important, these two were never underdogs. That may be how their narrative looked in retrospect, but Malcolm and Denise are precisely the kinds of players who win Survivor time and again: sociable people with obvious athletic prowess.
I'm not saying those are annoying or unlovable or un-Survivor-y qualities, but the fact is if you're Lisa Whelchel, a less-than-Olympian 49-year-old who is never going to outrun or outswim the Malcolms, Denises, or even the Skupins, you have no choice but to enact a canny social game, which she completely did. If that's not a vote-worthy quality on its own, then people like Lisa shouldn't even be cast on Survivor. I love me some Denise, but she is no anomaly. Lisa is just that -- a meekly second-guessing, yet manipulative player who succumbed to her weaknesses, recognized her weaknesses, then used her weaknesses to push a gameplay agenda in an artful fashion. We'll never have that player again. And did I mention she was effing BLAIR? Blair, guys.
In trying to compare Lisa to past reality show contestants, the only person I can come up with (and don't hold this against me!) is Project Runway's Wendy Pepper. Wendy spent most of her time coping in an existential way with the competition at hand, trying to patch together work that could pass as "wearable" while enduring an unending self-image crisis. She was obviously under-skilled, but eventually she began to hone in on the judges' tastes, and even if she couldn't produce something amazing, she could produce what they wanted. She could "make it work," which hearkens back to Lisa's point about playing the new hand she's dealt every day. Like Wendy, Lisa's strength is her ability to key into the right people at the right moment without revealing her panache for such tactics. Also like Wendy, Lisa's competitors were too busy dismissing her to read her. Maybe that's why she won the Fan Favorite compensation prize, which certainly took me by surprise. I'll even agree that it's a satisfactory compensation. So, phew! No hard feelings, everyone.
I just spent an entire paragraph talking about "Wendy and Lisa," and I didn't mention Prince or the "Waterfall" video. Is the water warm enough, Probst? There. I feel better.
But to reiterate: Good for Denise, who sat through a pretty embarrassing final tribal council to win the million dollars. Here are my most noteworthy eight observations about the final episode of one wonderful Survivor season.
1. Who is more unfortunate? Skupin for misreading his own jury appeal, or Carter for his spelling of "Skoopin"?
There came a time during the finale when I didn't want to hear Skupin speak anymore. Lisa, for some reason, had to cajole him into voting off Malcolm, who lost the final immunity challenge because his one identifiable weakness is hand steadiness. Skupin had visions of a head-to-head final vote against Malcolm where jury members honestly couldn't decide which was the better player. Skupin, newsflash: 1) Your social game is nothing. 2) You're a returning player, and no one can root for that. 3) You're not Malcolm. That should've settled your decision.
And yet, Carter won the glamorous Stupidity Crown (Stoopidity Crown?) when he murmured to Lisa, Skupin, and Denise at the final tribal council, asked Skupin about why he was voted off, and then proceeded to grant his final vote to Skupin anyway. He also spelled Skupin "Skoopin," which better be some punny inside joke. Because right now it's an outside joke for everyone but Carter.
2. RC still bugs.
RC made a stink at the live reunion by announcing that Peter made a dumb move during the game. Oh, RC! Yet again, you do that thing I hate: pretending to make important observations, and loudly. Your facial expressions on the jury were just broad enough to be unbearable. You ain't Mr. Bean, honey.
3. Put down your quills and salute the arrival of Poet Laureate Alfred Lord Penner-son!
Penner has always been the philosophical dramatist of Survivor: Philippines, as he produced dozens of confessionals comparing his plight to God-know-what and meaning it. Even though his nihilism makes him slightly more douche than Donne, his underlying common sense made him likable and avuncular. Well, Uncle Penner got into the medicine cabinet again, because his overcooked jury speech about oxen, yokes, screaming crowds, and triumphant chariots sounded like something Cher Horowitz would contrive for a C- speech assignment. I applauded his final vote for Denise, but was all his pomp necessary? Worse, was it necessary to out Lisa as a former child star? That struck me as petty and unnecessary. Still worse, what was with calling Denise a b*tch? That was just disgusting. I'm going to write all about this in my upcoming Survivor poetry anthology Immunity Idylls of the King.
4. Lisa may have been a guaranteed loser, but she was kickass at the final jury.
I know I've touted Lisa's many gifts already, but I really loved her approach to the final jury. She tastefully detailed her messy approach to the game, her stop-and-start momentum, and her new-found autonomy. Perhaps Denise's simpler self-defense (that she "outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted" everyone fair and square) was perfect logic, but Lisa's oratorial gusto kinda ruled.
5. Die, Abi.
Still with the self-victimization. Still, the time-consuming whining about how "unlikable" she's been declared. Still, the worst.
6. Artis! Nice of you to step up and be unbearable too!
Artis wagged a finger at the three remaining contestants at tribal council, shaming them for their "holier-than-thou" attitudes and decrying their feigned loyalty. Artis, clearly you aren't even loyal to Survivor if either of those winning qualities is news to you.
7. Malcolm, how dare you disappoint me in the eleventh hour?
It's perfectly fine to feel betrayed, but I had to gawp at my man Malcolm when he commanded Denise "not to nod" at him. He was fed up with how often she "appeases" others, but what else is she supposed to do? Not appease others? Abi tried that for 37 days. She's entering Witness Protection now, Malcolm.
8. I'm not sure how I feel about Fans Vs. Favorites.
Jeff Probst teased the next season of Survivor, a grudge match against 10 diehard Survivor fans and 10 Survivor legends. Can't we take one season off from the returning players? I hate games without an even playing field. I spent my entire summer complaining about the last Big Brother cast list, and I'm not prepared to endure that agony again. Ptooey.
And yet: I loved this season. What was your single favorite moment of Survivor: Philippines? Was Denise a satisfying champ? Will you buy Penner's book of sonnets with a foreword by Jewel?
