If you've ever watched Oscar acceptance speeches on YouTube, you know what a vortex it is. You start innocently with Tilda Swinton, work your way through both of Hilary Swank's, then barrel head-first into Eileen Heckart territory, and before you know it you're face-down, dead-drunk in Ingrid Bergman's ankle-length peasant gown from '74. You can't be saved.
But in preparation for tomorrow's Oscar nominations, I say we go back into the vast netherworld of Oscar speeches for the sake of self-definition. The challenge is this: Pick one Oscar speech and why it fits you. Which Oscar speech is your Spirit Animal, boys? I know precisely who I'm picking, but I'll offer some suggestions for the under-initiated Oscar fans out there.
Perhaps you're Vivien Leigh for Gone With the Wind, because although you're stilted and overly poised, you're intelligent, gracious, and the obvious winner. And also, a stunning-beaut-the-likes-of-which-we'll-never-seen-again-omg-omg-omg. Yes, Headmistress Vivien, "entertain us with an oration!"
Or maybe you're Shirley MacLaine winning for Terms of Endearment: perfectly comfortable with touting your long career, but also willing to make good, funny points about the industry.
Could it be that you're Vanessa Redgrave? You don't care what the hell the Oscars are about, you're here to talk about Zionist hoodlums because your political opinions MATTER NOW. Paddy Chayefsky, sit down.
As for me, I am the renowned thug Lee Grant in her speech for Shampoo. First of all, everything about me needs to be introduced by the dream team of Madeline Kahn and Joel Grey. Second, I would totally wear a grim Victorian wedding gown to win an Oscar. She looks like PJ Harvey on the cover of White Chalk in that creepy thing. Then, before I run off with the Oscar that I was owed decades earlier, I bemoan the idiots who blacklisted me, boast that you can't faze me, and utter every syllable with a world-wearier tone than anything Bette Davis ever achieved.
Plus, Lee and I have strong jaws. That's a big part of our connection.
Which speech are YOU?
