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Last weekend the wall-eyed animated nightmare The Croods was an unexpected slam-dunk at the box office. Like many of you, we were sent into fits of existential panic over the lumpy, prehistoric countenances of the film's jug-faced-yet-allegedly-lovable lead characters, and probably won't be checking out the film anytime soon. After all, we already have plenty of other kid-targeted flicks to pepper our dreams with flashes of unintended terror. Here are a few of the most scarring examples.
(Note - we're focusing here on kids' movies that are way creepier than they probably intended to be, so classic kid-scarring genre flicks like The Dark Crystal, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Watcher in the Woods, etc. are off the table.)
The Peanut Butter Solution
I remember seeing this bizarre Canadian family film in the theatre when it came out in 1985, and I still have an irrational fear of homeless ghosts, paintbrushes made of human hair, and boys named "Connie". And let's face it: any movie that features unstoppable pubic hair growth is DESTINED to scar any young person for life. In fact, I credit this film for the recent generational uptick in manscaping.
Return to Oz
Where to start - this completely batsh*t follow-up to the classic Yellow Brick Road trip is a dark, surreal, and very scary tale. It's kind of telling that when Scissor Sisters wrote a song using the film as a metaphor for crystal meth's horrific impact on the gay community, they really didn't have to embellish anything. Plus, it stars the girl who later went on to terrorize Robin Tunney with her gums in The Craft.
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Watership Down
Watership Down is my favorite novel of all time. So imagine my horror when I found that the epic heroes' journey of Hazel, Fiver, and all the rest was turned into this enormously disturbing animated film. Granted, a book that is actually a parable about political systems and methods of controlling populations should never have been translated into a kids' movie to begin with, but... BUNNIES!!!
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E.T.
Sure, there were parts of E.T. that were supposed to be scary (the cornfield, the guys in the hazmat suits). But E.T. himself creeped me the hell out, both in and out of Gertie's granny drag.
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Alice in Wonderland (TV)
Alice in Wonderland is supposed to be a bit unhinged, true. But this rather amazing (in hindsight) made-for-TV adaptation went completely 'round the bend by throwing in a pig baby, Donna Mills, and the un-unseeable image of Carol Channing turning into a sheep. I'll have what she's having!
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Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
This candy-colored nightmare about a flying car and a lollipop-happy "child catcher" is basically what you would get if one of those horrifying "Stranger Danger" educational films procreated with a Party City.
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Pinnochio
Puppet boy?
Creepy.
Talking cricket?
Bizarre.
Kids who misbehave turning into donkeys for their sins?
SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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The Polar Express
The apex of dead-behind-the-eyes cinema until the inevitable release of Kardashian 3-D Imax Panty Shopping Adventure.
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Rock-a-Doodle
Okay, Rock-a-Doodle isn't exactly scary, but who the hell came up with the idea of a beefcake chicken Elvis impersonator? There is something truly upsetting about a pompadour on poultry.
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Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
I think the trauma caused by Gene Wilder's brilliantly gonzo performance in this kaleidoscope of terror has been well-documented, but even the premise of kids getting picked off one by one in his funhouse is nightmare-inducing. This movie was essentially The Hunger Games with more carbs.
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All Dogs Go to Heaven
Remember when the zombie dog that sounded like Burt Reynolds dreamed that he went to hell? SHEESH. That dog's days were, indeed, over.
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Dumbo
Clowns that scream about their babies (that are actually elephants), bullying about ear size, and adolescent drunkenness are just a few of the wrongs committed in this Disney classic.
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Baby Geniuses
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This clip says it all...
C.H.O.M.P.S.
Wesley Eure from Land of the Lost, AND Valerie Bertinelli? The only thing that could make that apple-cheeked combo unwatchable would be a superpowered robot dog. Oh, there it is! COMMENCE WRONGNESS.
Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure
I remember having very vivid nightmares because of this completely insane animated movie about a couple of dolls and a patchwork camel who get stuck in a living, singing ocean of caramel and candy. It's so f*cked. Please watch it now and share in my lifelong trauma.
What gave you childhood nightmares? Let us know in the comments!
